Lonely Desire
by Petya
Summary: Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but will they find the way to each other or will they remain lonely and just dreaming of the love they deem impossible... ch 20 up, YAOI, AsuKira, minor DeaYzak
1. Unsatiable Desire

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, some Dearka x Yzak in future chapters

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Gundam SEED or Destiny.  If I did, it would have had Athrun x Kira and Dearka x Yzak pairings.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. Some wet dreams in this chapter. It is going to get even more sexually explicit in the chapters to come. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 13 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summery**:Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter ONE**

**Unsatiable desire**

_Soft lips were trailing lingering kisses from his collarbone down to his left nipple. Kira tried to suppress a moan. He didn't succeed. Athrun lifted his head and two smiling aqua-green eyes looked at him mischievously. Kira lifted his hands and buried his fingers in the soft black-blue strands of Athrun's hair. Athrun bent his head and continued his sweet torture over Kira's senses. His lips went further down his lover's belly and one hand lightly traced the inner side of Kira's thigh stopping just before it reached his member. Kira's back arced and his lips parted as the sensation spread over him. Athrun smiled in his belly and then with one swift move before the older boy could even understand what's about to happen a hot and moist kiss was pressed to the tip of his erection. The brunet almost jumped out of the bed. His lashes fluttered and he let himself drown in the pleasure those lips made him feel. He was about to reach his peak when something demanded his attention…_

_  
…somewhere an alarm was ringing. He tried to clear his mind while he felt Athrun's mouth around his hard cock. Was someone in trouble? Cagalli? Lacus? Was ORB under attack…_

_  
The alarm became more urgent…_

_

* * *

_

Kira awoke and hit the alarm-clock with all his might. The dream was so good, that he didn't want to wake from it. The land of Morpheus was the only place were he could let his dreams about Athrun run free without any worries that someone would consider him a pervert.

Then he remembered… Today was the day he was most afraid of. Or rather it was the day that was the beginning of the week of his nightmares.

The 6 of them – he, plus Athrun, Lacus, Cagalli, Yzak and Dearka – were going on vacation somewhere. He still had no idea where they were going, Yzak and Cagalli were very secretive. They had organized the whole thing to celebrate the end of the peace talks more than a year after the end of the war.

He was to spend a lot of time with him. With Athrun!

He wondered how would he be able to hide the reaction his body had to his supposed "best friend".

How long had it been since he had fallen in love with Athrun? Or had he been in love with him all along but unaware of his own feelings?

Kira didn't know the answer of this question, but ever since the war ended and the six of them moved to live in ORB, he started to notice things about Athrun that a "friend" is not supposed to see. Things such as how smooth his skin was, how soft and silky it felt to touch and how fascinatingly the fit muscles moved under that creamy skin. How the strands of his hair caressed the nape of his neck…

For the first nine months after they settled in ORB everything seemed fine. All of them would meet often in the evening to discuss how the peace talks were proceeding, to have a quiet dinner together or to help each other get over the war and all the loses each had been through.

Then a little more then three months ago something happened… something that triggered Kira's feelings and he realized his affection towards Athrun was more than just friendship, it involved lust and even more – love.

It had been so funny that evening. They had gathered at Yzak's place for no reason, just to meet in the end of the day and Dearka succeeded in what was not that difficult – to piss Yzak off. The latter grabbed the tanned boy by the collar and pulled him hard in his direction, but Dearka slipped and they ended on the floor, Dearka atop of Yzak, their faces very close and their bodies rubbing against each other. Each one of the youths felt the reaction the other had to this encounter and they realized what everyone around knew for a long time – that not only was each of them in love with the other, but that the love was reciprocated. It all ended with a hot kiss that made the onlookers rather uncomfortable and they made their hurried exit. The next day the two of them made it clear that they were couple.

Kira was happy for his friends. But at the same time, jealousy crept in his heart, for he could not see them and not think of his feelings towards Athrun that were not responded.

That was the reason that he had started to come up with different excuses most of the times their little company would decide to have a meeting. He even went as far as to invent a nonexistent girlfriend that demanded his attention only to be able to stay away from Athrun. Everyone was curious about his love interest and was urging him to introduce her and he was running out of excuses for why it was not yet the time to present her to them.

The few times he couldn't avoid meeting Ahtrun had been a combination of sweet torture and guilty pleasure. He always got seated next to his "best friend" and he spent most of the time trying to hide the semi-arousal he had due to his beloved's presence.

It was becoming even worse when Athrun would touch him or turn and bend his side and his soft hair would touch Kira's cheeks. Then his semi-arousal would turn into full hard on and he felt like some pervert. The same would happen when the brunet would inhale that specific scent of citrus soap, aftershave and something that was purely Athrun…

Kira was afraid he might go insane with his unsatisfied desire towards the blue-haired boy. Sometimes he had to fight with his urge to jump on the younger boy and cover him with hot kisses and do even more rather not "friendly" things. He tried to avoid seeing Athrun at all, but it had raised suspicions and besides he couldn't stand not being around his beloved at least once in a while. So he ended in quite a self-created hell.

* * *

Kira woke up from his daydream, turned on the Coffeemaker that was the result of the joint-efforts of Athrun's technical ability and Wartfeld-san's desire to have the best coffee possible and went to the bathroom for a quick shower and so on. When he got out, his hair still slightly wet, the coffee was ready. He tasted it and as always thought it was the best one could have. 

Then he decided to get his luggage ready. He opened the top drawer and put on the bed the carefully packed old T-shirt that was on the top of all. He couldn't resist and took it out and buried his face in the soft material. It was Athrun's. He had forgotten it on his bed 4 years ago, when they were still on the moon, the last time the blue-haired boy had slept at Kira's place before he returned to the PLANT and before the tragic war that had put them one against the other. Ever since then, till the day he would grow out of it Kira would sleep in this shirt just to feel closer to his friend. This and Torii had become the threads that connected him to the absent Athrun. He was so glad that some weird reason had made him take the shirt with him on that fateful day when Heliopolis was destroyed, or he would have never forgiven himself for losing something of such importance.

He carefully packed the T-shirt and put it back in the drawer when all the necessary clothing was safely in his bag. Well, he was ready for the challenge that lied ahead of him.

His eyes flew to the photos on his nightstand. And to one in particular – him and Athrun, young, innocent kids, embracing each other, still unaware what destiny had in store for them.

The doorbell drew him out of his state. Was he late again? He had set the clock to ring earlier just to be sure he wont be late. He took a look at his watch. No. He had 45 minutes till the others came to take him to wherever they were going.

He went to the control panel and checked on the screen who was looking for him. His heart started to beat faster. Athrun…

Why was he here now?


	2. Confused Desire

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, less Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Gundam SEED. :( Pity!

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains male/male relationship(s) – YAOI and male pregnancy. Masturbation. It is going to get even more sexually explicit in the chapters to come. If you don't like such things you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.  
I forgot to write it in the warning of the first chapter, but there are spoilers up to the end of Gundam SEED.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 13 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary**: Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter TWO**

**Confused Desire**

It was time he started acting. What was enough, was enough. He had given Kira years to grow up and to notice that right beside him was the one person that would gladly die for him. And what did he get?

First there had been Fllay. That he understood, even if jealousy had been eating him alive at that time. But since he – Athrun – had been away and fighting Kira, he could somehow accept the brunet's flirt with that Natural girl. What he couldn't accept though, was the way she had treated his Kira. That was unforgivable.

And the other thing he hated her so much for, was the fact that it had been her and not him who introduced Kira to the pleasure of the physical love. This was something that should have been reserved for him. Besides Kira deserved that his first time was with someone that truly loved him and cared for his wellbeing and that… woman…, was nothing of the likes.

It was a good thing she was no longer a part of Kira's life. No one deserved death, not even her, but somewhere deep in his heart Athrun was happy that she would never, ever, again come between Kira and him.

But when he was thinking of making the risky step of revealing his feelings he got another slap across his face. Kira started pulling away from him.

Was he aware of Athrun's feelings? Was he disgusted? Was this the reason why he avoided meeting him? And he somehow felt it was HIM Kira was avoiding and not the others.

**_ flashback _**

_"Kira." Kira's face remained soft and dreamy, his eyes looking somewhere, but with a look that clearly stated his mind had drifted away in his own universe._

_"Kira!" Athrun's hand landed on the other boy's shoulder. Kira jumped startled and backed away from Athrun's touch. The green-eyed boy's guts froze at this unconscious rejection. Recently Kira avoided his touch, nothing like the time when they would sleep in the same bed or embrace for no reason. Harsher than he initially intended Athrun asked "Where were you?"_

_Kira looked at him his eyes still hazy. "Ah, it's nothing, really. Were you saying something, Athrun?"_

_"No, Cagalli asked you three times if you approve of the movie we chose to see tomorrow?"_

_Kira hesitantly looked around the room and saw that everyone's gaze was on him. He couldn't stay in the cinema, close to Athrun, watching some romantic drama, since that was what Cagalli and Lacus usually wanted to see and since no one really desired to watch stupid war actions or dramas after what they've been trough, there wasn't much of a choice anyway. "Uh, I can't. I'm sorry." His face was apologetic. "I have already made plans for tomorrow and I can't change them."_

_"What plans? What is more important than your friends and your twin-sister?" Came the slightly irritated and strongly curious voice of Cagalli. Kira bowed his head to hide the slight pink shade his cheeks had suddenly attained. He hated when his sister would turn like this. Her eyes started glowing with dangerous light. "There's a girl, right!" She stated this triumphantly. _

_Kira was speechless for a moment. He just stared at her as the idea settled in his mind. That was the answer he needed. He kept his voice firmly in control, because he couldn't risk alarming the others that something was wrong and carefully admitted "Yes! As a matter of fact, there is!" _

_Those words bore a hole in Athrun's heart and he could feel blood dripping from the raw wound. Kira couldn't be in love. Not again. Why wouldn't Kira notice him? Why would he keep going to people who didn't know him and ended hurt? _

"…_she like, what's her name?" Cagalli's words snapped him back to attention._

_"Ai" came Kira's answer after a soft mimic of his face. That was what made Athrun hurt even more. That face was once reserved for him only, and if the brunet had it now around the other 4 of their company, that he could accept, but some strange girl. And by the name of "Ai"… (A/N: "ai" in Japanese means "love")_

**_ end of flashback_**

Ever since that time Kira would spend a lot of time with Ai and in result they had met only 5 times in the last 11 weeks, each time for a short period. But today they were leaving for somewhere and that Ai girl was NOT coming. This was his possibility and he was not taking any chances. Kira would have to hear what he had to say! Somehow…

* * *

Athrun grabbed his bag and went out. He had enough time to go to Kira's place and have a little talk with him before the others came. He sat in the car and started the engine. He had at least 20 minutes drive till he got to his destination, so he could organize his thoughts one last time, but first he had to call Cagalli and tell her that he'll be as Kira's. 

After Athrun put down the phone he started to think what to do in the next few days in order to get Kira back closer. And eventually find the way to his bed and his heart.

Kira was everything to him. His first kiss was with Kira. Not that the latter knew. It was in the last night they spent together before he moved back to PLANT.

**_ flashback _**

_As it happened quite often with them they went to sleep in separate beds only to have one of them sneak in the other's bed some time during the night. _

_Athrun awoke first. Kira was in his bed and his soft warm body was tightly pressed towards Athrun's, his back against the younger boy's chest and his rear right at Athrun's lap. Athrun felt his morning arousal get even firmer cradled between their bodies. He couldn't resist and bent forward to plant a soft kiss on Kira's sweet lips and later on his shoulder. He licked the skin and the taste of Kira made him drunk. The other boy sighed lightly and snuggled closer in Athrun who had hard time suppressing his moans as his friend's backside rubbed his hard member. He felt that the brunet was about to awaken and swiftly got out of bed, in order to hide his body's reaction. He was almost in the bathroom when he heard Kira stir in bed. _

_"Athrun?" came the still husky from the sleep voice._

_"In the bathroom. Give me 5 minutes!" He closed the door and leaned on it. He went under the shower and felt the cool water soothe him. Then in his mind's eye he saw Kira the way he was only a few moments ago and the pain is his crotch grew stronger. He grabbed his member and still envisioning his beautiful friend started pumping. Pleasure came all over him as he reached his peak and soft moan with Kira's name exited his lips._

**_ end of flashback_**

Recently, replaying all that had happened between Kira and him ever since they met, Athrun had realized that most of his actions were one way or another influenced by his feelings towards his beloved, even before he had conscious realization that this feeling he had towards Kira was love.

The first thing that he had noticed was that the one reason he had never objected his arranged engagement to Lacus was not because he had loved her, since he had always known his feeling had been nothing more that friendship and care, it was because she was like a female version of Kira. She had the same caring tender attitude, the same tendency to put anybody else's needs before her own. The same desire to help and be there for the other not expecting anything in return. She never pressed the other person for more than he was willing to give. Just like Kira was!

Athrun had been really disturbed by the attraction he had felt towards Kira before they separated, but when his body never reacted to another man he had started to think that what had happened with Kira was due to his raging hormones at that time. He had later had a few relationships with girls before his engagement to Lacus, but nothing serious, and even after, he had slept with a girl once in a while, but he had always been careful to be discrete. He had never wanted to hurt Lacus' feelings, even though he was pretty sure she was not in love with him.

Then there was Cagalli. He didn't like what he had found out about himself when he had digged in for his real reasons to start a relationship with her. At first it had all been because she had been there the first moments after the thought of him killing Kira had sunk in his mind and later it had been like a way to feel closer to the friend he considered lost forever. She had known a part of Kira's life that had been unknown to him and Athrun could share that part of his friends life through Cagalli. But the reason to continue his flirt with Cagalli even after he had found out Kira was alive had been anger, jealousy and desire to hurt his friend as much as was hurting. By that time he had already understood his feelings towards his long time friend, only to face the fact that Kira had been dating (and sleeping with!) Fllay, the single most annoying girl ever, and later he had moved to Lacus.

Somehow he had felt much worse when he had thought of Kira with Lacus than with Fllay, because if he had been able to openly hate the Natural girl, the bitch that she had been, he realized that Lacus was like a perfect half to complement to Kira. This had made him feel pathetic. Instead of being happy for his friend, who had finally found a girl that would make him happy and would never do anything to hurt him, he had felt jealousy of both of them. He had been jealous of Kira for being happy without Athrun, and he had been even more jealous of Lacus, who had been with his precious amethyst-eyed beloved.

He clung to his relationship with Cagalli as he would to a rope to salvage himself from drowning into selfpity and selfhatred. But only month after the end of the war it was Cagalli who had approached him and had told him that she had not really been in love with him and what was more that she had been confident he was not mad about her either. He had admitted to it being true and they had remained friends after that. And since he was her bodyguard as Kira was Lacus', he remained around her and grew to know her better and realized that she deserved better than him anyway.

Kira and Lacus also broke up, though they had never actually been more than friends. Yet between them had remained a mutual understanding that was almost uncanny. Which was another reason to be jealous of her. He knew he was not being sensible, he just couldn't help it.

Athrun wondered how was he to approach Kira and make him consider a relationship with another boy as a possibility. It was not like Kira was homophobic, no! He was always supportive of Dearka and Yzak's relationship, happy for his friends. But he had never so much as hinted that HE might even remotely like another boy.

Athrun realized that he was only one block from Kira's home and he had no idea what reason to use in order to excuse his unexpected arrival. Especially since recently Kira wouldn't invite anyone, not even his twin-sister to his home. Could he be living with the Ai girl? He had fervently refused to present her to his friends under different excuses and they were all amused how possessive he sounded of her. Was he so deeply in love that he didn't want to share her presence with his friends? Athrun was afraid to even think about such possibility.

He parked at the visitor's place and suddenly felt all his bravery melting as snow in sunlight. He raised his head to the skies as if pleading for some heavenly support. Not a single sign appeared, not that he really expected anything to happen. He was alone in this. And this was what his fate, happiness and even, as pathetic as it sounded, life depended on, because he was not sure he would be able to live if Kira rejected him totally. He was not sure he even wanted to live like that – being close to Kira and see him with another person. The step he was about to make was on a road that could lead to his eternal bliss or his utter downfall in despair.

He drew a deep breath and rang the doorbell.

* * *

** i love Athrun** – Thank you and here's the next chapter. I'll be updating every other day (until the chapters I have written finish and then I'll update when I am ready. 

** Atemu no Kitsune** – Thanks for reviewing – well Kira is better at controlling his desires than Athrun as you'll see in the chapters to come.

Thanks to everyone who read this fic.

* * *


	3. Aniversary Gift

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, some Dearka x Yzak in future chapters

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Gundam SEED or Destiny.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. This chapter contains a **LEMON** andthat I edited out, since it is too descriptive for rules. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read or at least skip this chapter and chapter 8, which will also contain lemon. If you want to read the lemon, look for it on AFF.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 13 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

I know this comes out of nowhere, but I felt like writing it, so I did.

**Summery:** Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter THREE**

**Anniversary Gift**

Here was the lemon...

* * *

Some time later after quick shared shower they were ready to face Cagalli who was most probably far more disturbed by what she saw then they were. When her face came on the screen it started to redden almost immediately. The two males couldn't hold back their giggles at the sight. 

"Come on, Cagalli, sorry it turned out like this. What did you want to say earlier?" Dearka's voice ringed with laughter that was on the verge of getting incontrollable.

'Oh, God' thought Cagalli to herself. 'That's part of my friends' life I never needed to witness and now I can't look at them without that scene jumping to my memory. That's plain ridiculous. Come on, Cagalli, you are not going to be laughed at for something that is definitely not your fault. Get a grip!'

"Athrun's going at Kira's place, so I decided it would be better to meet right there at 10:00. We'll take off from there. That was all. Oh, and I hope I didn't disturb your activities." She tried to make them feel a bit of the awkwardness she felt a while ago. To her displeasure and surprise both of them grinned and Yzak said:

"Not for a second. It just added something extra to the experience."

With this Cagalli decided she was not their equal, at least not at the moment, so she dropped the subject. "Glad to hear it! Till 10:00 then."

* * *


	4. Confusions and Decisions

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, some Dearka x Yzak in future chapters

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Gundam SEED or Destiny.  If I did, it would have had Athrun x Kira and Dearka x Yzak pairings.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. Some wet dreams in this chapter. It is going to get even more sexually explicit in the chapters to come. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 13 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summery**:Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire **

**Chapter FOUR**

**Confusions and Decisions**

_Why was he here now?_

Kira's mind struggled to stay calm. He had things to do before he opened the door. Where had he put them? The drawers of his desk were empty. He had some distant memory they were there. Why couldn't he find them? He circled his cabinet searching for the photos but to no avail.

Then he remembered that last night he had prepared them and they were on the table in the living-room. Kira sighed in relief and headed for the said room. And there they were – more than ten photos, all framed. And all portrayed him with a beautiful girl or the same girl alone – smiling at the camera and waving a hand at the person behind the lens. He inspected the pictures one last time. Everything was perfect! Even he who knew they were all montage couldn't say it by just looking at them.

He remembered how easy it was to create a program that would generate an image of a girl of certain age and physical appearance.

flashback

_OK, the image was ready according to the data he had supplied. Kira loaded the image and gasped in shock. When had this happened? God, how did he let his unconscious take over his reason. He stared at the image. Here in front of his eyes was a perfect and unbelievably beautiful female version of Athrun. The same blue-black strands that he itched to bury his hands in, the piercing aqua-green eyes that invaded his dreams and made him restless. The lips he wanted to taste and ravage till he knew them better than his own. The brunet's hand trembled reluctantly when he reached to delete his unconscious slip. He started anew. And this time he tried to think on every single trait he was to bestow on his creation. He felt like some weird Pygmalion who had to create a beautiful and convincing person even if only virtual._

_When the result was ready he sighed and started manipulating the pictures. Once the whole 3D of the girl was created the rest was a child's play. Not that he was that troubled with this part. But he had a lot more to do…everything had to be perfect, his friends were not stupid and his constant denial to meet them with Ai was bound to make them more than slightly suspicious._

_He had considered hiring a girl to play the role, but she could slip or be unconvincing. Or she could end up being a friend of a friend and all would crash on his head. This way he would be in full control. Or at least he hoped so…_

end of flashback

The bell rang again. Kira hurried and set all pictures on strategic places taking extra care to be sure they were easy to spot and drew attention then he headed for the door. There was one more thing he had to do, but there was no time now. He would find some way to get rid of Athrun for a second to ensure that all is going to work out perfectly.

* * *

_Athrun drew a deep breath and rang the bell._

He had no idea what he was to say to Kira but he didn't care anymore. He just wanted to meet with him – alone – before they left for wherever they were going. He wanted to see the darling face.

Kira was not coming. Athrun pressed the bell again this time holding it longer. He put his hands in his pockets only to pull them out a second later. He bent and bragged the bag just to occupy his hands since he had no idea why they had started to feel so awkward and foreign all of a sudden.

The door flew open and Kira smiled at him, but the green-eyed recognized it as a forced smile and his heart sank. There was a time when his friend would jump at him and embrace him or at least smile with pure happiness when they met. It was clearly not the case now.

Then Athrun's mind went blanc for a sec when he realized that Kira was only in his boxers, his awesome body exposed to the hungry eyes of the younger boy. He swallowed hard and tried not to stare at the slim and muscled body that invaded his dreams every night. He saw a gracious hand ruffle the still wet from the morning shower hair and his heart started beating faster in his chest trying to jump out of it and right into Kira's hands.

"Athrun! I didn't expect you to come, especially this early" The words brought him back to reality. "Come in, sorry I kept you waiting."

"Ah…, um…, did I drag you out of the shower?"

Kira looked at himself clearly unaware of his attire and blushed slightly. "I should apologize. I didn't notice I was in such condition, I was preparing my luggage and this slipped my mind. Whatever, don't stay at the door come in"

They headed for the living-room and there Athrun got the next blow before he had fully recovered from the previous. Right in front of him there were plenty of pictures of _his_ Kira with an unfamiliar but extremely beautiful girl. He was devastated. They looked so good together and their faces shone with such uninhibited pleasure to be in each other's presence that Athrun felt like an intruder and wanted to raise his head towards the moon and wail in pain.

"Would you like a coffee, I just made it."

"With pleasure, thanks!" That would mean for Kira to go to the kitchen and leave him alone. He needed some time to steady himself and prepare himself for the next blow. He had the feeling that was not everything. And the day was only now starting…

* * *

Kira ran to his laptop and started typing knowing his time was short. Graceful fingers flew across the keyboard as he set the program. Then he grabbed some clothes to put on. It was good he was so shocked by Athrun's arrival that his body had not reacted as it usually did in his friend's presence or he would have ended embarrassed or humiliated.

* * *

Athrun stared at the pictures. The girl was so beautiful that it was no wonder Kira had fallen for her. But what hurt more was the look in her eyes. There was a glow that spoke volumes. Her look when she watched his beloved was so tender and full of love, tranquility and happiness that Athrun felt like some kind of perverted voyeur that intruded on a very personal moment between two persons in love. How was he to fight such perfection? 

He examined every feature of the girl – knee long straight hair in light lilac colour and eyes only a shade darker. Her body was slim and nicely curved in all the right places, her breasts round and firm, her legs long and her hands so delicate.

* * *

"Here." The aroma of the coffee woke him from his daydream. 

"Is this Ai, your girlfriend?" He couldn't hold back the question even if he didn't want to know more about the girl. "She is so pretty!"

"She is." Kira's face had a strange distant expression that Athrun couldn't read. Once he would be able to know everything about his friend just by looking at his face, which was always open and vivid.

"Tell me…"

The vidphone beeped.

"Sorry" Kira looked at him with a crooked smile, moved in the range of the camera and said "Connect!" The phone screen came to life and there was the face that Athrun knew would plague his nightmares from now on. He hurried to distance himself from the camera. The girl beamed at the sight of her boyfriend.

"Kira," her voice was as sweet and tender as warm honey "sorry to bother you now, I know you have to get ready, but I just wanted to wish you to spent a nice time and to remind you to behave while you are away, or I'll spank you when you come back" She looked wicked when she said this.

The brunet kicked himself mentally. There's for you hurried job. He had loaded the wrong conversation. It fitted the situation (all that were in that folder did) but this one was meant for Cagalli who had the bad habit of sticking her pretty nose where it was not her business to. He wanted to make her blush a little so that she knew not to cross some borders. It was not intended it to be heard by Athrun, never by him. Kira wanted to turn the line off but he couldn't risk rising his friend's suspicions. He played by the earlier prepared script. "You know I am a good boy!"

"No, you are not and that's one of the reasons I love you so much. I can't wait to get my hands on you again. Especially after what you did last night."

Even if he knew the whole conversation, Kira couldn't stop the heat that crept on his cheeks. "I am not alone, dear! Mind you tongue!"

"Is there someone I should be jealous of? I am surprised you have enough energy to move this morning, let alone do more! Besides, you know you'll never find someone who will _love_ you as I do." Pun intended

Athrun's cheeks burnt form the conversation he overheard. Anger and jealousy threatened to overcome his common sense. Those two seemed to enjoy themselves and exchanged personal jokes without even noticing his presence. Was he such an insignificant part of Kira's life now? This girl had what _he_ wanted so desperately – Kira's love! Or did she. Something seemed wrong even if he couldn't put his finger on it. Was this the type of partners his friend liked? This cheeky, teasing girl that was nothing like the image that his mind had created based on her appearance in the pics. Everything he heard from her infuriated him beyond reason and he vowed that he will do whatever necessary to win the love of the one and only for him. She didn't seem to be for his Kira. If the brunet wanted someone more forward in his pursuit, then Athrun would gladly throw away all hesitation and will finally start chasing his prey with all determination.

The conversation was moving towards its end.

"I love you" came Ai's voice.

"I love you too. Take care!" Even if Athrun doubted the truth behind these words, it still hurt to hear them exit the brunet's mouth. They should have been aimed at him. His heart hurt almost as much as when he though he had killed his best friend.

flashback

"_If you were his friend… why did you have to kill him? Kill because somebody was killed, get killed because you killed! Do you think peace will come like that?"_

_Cagalli's words broke the wall around his heart and all the pain, fear, anger, love, hesitation, doubt, insecurity – all the feelings that he kept under control overflowed him sweeping away his reasons, exposing his raw wounds and they bled again._

_Memories of Kira smiling, thoughtful, crying, mischievous, guilty, playful, determined, hurt, curious, innocent, flashed in his mind and with them came the sudden realization that Kira had always been the centre of his universe, even when they were separated. He felt really alive only when they were together. The simple fact that his friend was out there somewhere was enough for him. And now he was gone… And he – Athrun – was the one who wiped away that tender smile which would bring him such pleasure. His guts clenched and he felt like throwing up. Tears kept falling from his eyes never succeeding to wash away his guilt and selfhatred. All the colours of his world went pale and only the black, white and the innumerate shades of gray were left. The joy evaporated with Kira's smile and all that remained was sadness that enveloped him and threatened to drown him. He couldn't breathe. His lungs fought for air but his throat was blocked by that enormous pain that was like palpable presence in and around him._

_Why did he realize his feeling only now, when it is far too late?_

_I love you, Kira!_

_How was he to keep living with the knowledge that his hands were covered with the blood of his one great love. _

_I am so sorry, I relized it so late!_

_Did he want to stay alive in a world where Kira didn't exist?_

_Come back to me…_

_Without Kira…_

_**Kira!…**_

end of flashback

"Athrun, daijobu desu ka are you OK? You look pale. Did our talk disturb you? Sorry that you had to become witness to this. Ai is like that. It's part of her charm." The brunet smiled at him.

"No. Daijobu desu I'm fine. Nothing to worry about. I was thinking of something."

"Oh, you wanted to ask me something before Ai called. What was it?"

The green-eyed considered the situation and realized that the moment was not right for grand confessions, especially after the phone call he had overheard. Besides it was almost 10:00 and the others would come any time. He needed to consider his course of actions and finally start walking down the path of love. So he said.

"I want to know why recently you kept avoiding you friends and me in particular."

"I did not. I just have less free time lately and when I have some I usually spend it with Ai." Kira tried to come up with an acceptable excuse.

"You could have taken her with you, we invited both of you on a few occasions. Think about this, Kira. And don't insult my intelligence with stupid excuses, please. Think of a better lie, will you. Anyway, it's not that important now. I'll give you more time to come up with something. We'll talk later. You'd better get ready now or you'll be late. Cagalli will be here in less than 10 minutes."

Kira froze at his friend's words. Did Athrun see through his lies or was this just a blind shot in the dark? If his deceit came to light he would be ashamed to face his friends. Did he make any mistake and what exactly?

He went on with his preparations mechanically while his mind pondered on these disturbing thoughts.

The doorbell rang again and he almost jumped in surprise. Athrun went to open the door.

This time there were Yzak and Dearka both looking quite full of themselves. It was starting and Kira had this horrible premonition that urged him to run in his bed and bury himself under the covers. He knew however that there was no escape.

He would have to get through the next few days. Somehow… And hope that things will not go from bad to worse. However… something told him he was asking for too much. Maybe the last three months of lies had drained his luck.

He was about to find out that his life will never be the same after that trip. And not only his…

* * *

**Autor's Notes: ** As you've read the plot kicked off. I know that the last chapter was somewhat 

**Azarath, Raven of: **Well that's what happened, Athrun didn't get to say much.

**KiraIrving :** Was this for ch 1, or ch 4? If the latter, well I just felt like writing that, so i did. But from now on it is going to be mosly Athrun and Kira.

* * *


	5. Strange Behaviours

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Gundam SEED or Destiny. If I did, it would have had Athrun x Kira and Dearka x Yzak pairings.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. It is going to get even more sexually explicit in the chapters to come. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 13 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary**: Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter FIVE**

**Strange Behaviours**

_The doorbell rang again and he almost jumped in surprise. Athrun went to open the door._

_This time there were Yzak and Dearka both looking quite full of themselves._

"Hey, what did you do this for?" Came Yzak's voice and he directed his fist at Athrun's face. The latter avoided easily since the hit was not meant to be serious anyway and looked curiously at the couple in front of him.

"What's up, Dearka, how did you succeed in pissing him off this early in the morning?"

"Me? Now it is my fault? It was you who decided in the last moment to come here and Cagalli almost ruined our anniversary celebration. You should be really grateful she didn't succeed in that or I would have ripped your head off personally!" There was a touch of laughter, satisfaction and mild irritation in the blonde's voice as he made this mock threat, but Athrun didn't feel like digging on the matter any further. His mind was occupied with other matters of greater importance.

"Fine, whatever, come in."

But before they could enter the foyer they saw Cagalli's car appearing from behind the corner. Athrun waited for her and Lacus that was in the passenger seat next to her as the others went inside to greet Kira. As soon as the two girls exited the car the three of them followed.

Kira, Dearka and Yzak were in the living-room discussing the pictures. When she saw them Lacus clasped her hands in joy and went to explain how nice and beautiful the girl looked, how she couldn't wait to get acquainted to her and how lucky the brunet was to have met her. This continued endlessly. Cagalli started questioning about Ai's family, history, education. Dearka commented on her physical appearance (it was funny that he continued to buy those magazines with naked girls and it was a constant reason for everyone to tease Yzak, that he was not enough for his boyfriend, since the platinum went ballistic when he found one of those offending things, as he refered to them) and especially her breasts. What was his obsession with breasts? Was it because his lover didn't have such attributes? The blue-haired boy stopped paying attention at the conversation and just stood there hoping the others would shut up soon, but they showed no indications of it.

Athrun needed to exit that room. He couldn't stand listening to how Dearka, Cagalli and Lacus questioned Kira about his girlfriend and what each picture signified, where had it been taken, when, what had they been doing and so on. He felt his head spinning and it was as if all those Ai's on the pictures danced around him a crazy dance meant to ensure his madness. He silently went out in the corridor and just wandered around the house aimlessly.

He had to be alone for a moment to regain his own sanity and stability and he headed for the kitchen hoping that there he would be able to find some peace and clear his mind. However he had just stepped inside it when he noticed that Yzak was already there. He distantly remembered that the blue-eyed had mentioned something about preparing coffee for the others. Athrun withdrew and grabbed the closest doorknob not caring where it led. He opened the door and stood still. He didn't need to look inside to know it was Kira's bedroom – his aura, his scent were all over him and he almost lost his balance. He leaned heavily on the wall by the door still hesitating whether or not to intrude on his beloved's personal space.

He couldn't resist the temptation. This was his chance. Yzak was in the kitchen taking care of the coffee, the others were engaged in conversation in the living room and no one would notice if he disappeared for a sec. That was all he needed – a second in Kira's room. He drew a deep breath and entered the room.

He looked around trying to remember every single element that surrounded his friend. Something caught his attention…

He moved towards the nightstand. There were photos. But what he found strange was the fact that there wasn't a single picture of Ai. Instead all the pictures featured him and Kira. And in the center was the picture that decorated his own nightstand – the one of them together, embracing each other by the shoulder, taken when they had still been kids. His hand flew towards the picture and lovingly traced the darling contours. Where were those two now. He felt so old and worn out, nothing like the boy he had once been. He felt sorry for the lost innocence, for the lives he had taken, for so many other things… But most of all, he was sorry for what Kira had been put through. If he – Athrun – had chosen to enlist in the military, Kira had been swept away by accident… He was never really given a choice…

But those pictures raised his hopes. If Kira was so deeply in love with that Ai girl he would have had a pic of her in such a significant place, but instead there was not a single sign of her in the whole room.

Athrun bent down to the soft bed that had the scent of his beloved and reached for the pillow. He drew it in his arms, buried his face inhaling the intoxicating smell and imagined it was Kira in his embrace…

Some noise woke him up from his daydream. How long had he spent in the room? Did they notice his absence? He quickly arranged everything the way he had found it and careful not to be noticed left the room.

* * *

"It's time we left!" Cagalli stated and headed for the door. As always she considered her words to be final. "We'll go to the private airport by cars. We'll continue on plane." 

"Where exactly are we going?" Came Dearka's curious voice directed at Yzak, but he seemed to either not hear or chose to ignore the queston.

"Does it matter now? We'll know soon enough." Told him Kira obviously unimpressed by Cagalli's attempt at suspense.

When they arrived at the airport Kisaka was there waiting for them.

"Is he coming too?" Lacus seemed surprised.

"No way!" Cagalli's tone was that of absolute determination. "I have enough of him here, I don't intend on having him hover around me while I'm on vacation."

"But your security?" Kisaka sounded worried.

"You know, if four former MS Aces, three of whom with the proper military training, can't ensure my safety, nobody else would be able to. Get over it. You are **not** coming! I need to be just Cagalli for a few days, so the Representative of ORB stays here."

"As you want." He looked at the boys with stern face. They each nodded slightly, indicating that they wouldl protect the Princess. "The plane is ready."

They loaded their luggage and Cagalli took the pilot's place.

"Are you piloting?" Kira asked.

"I can assure you I'll manage, little brother. It's not my first time. Besides I know where we are going."

"Hey," Kira raised his hands in defensive move "I never said you were incapable. This was just a question."

* * *

Yzak entered the plane without a comment. Dearka sensed something was troubling his friend. It was not like him not to tease Cagalli on her piloting skills. The blond stepped in the plane and saw that his lover had already taken the the inner seat at a row at the back. He sat next to him but kept silece as the other took their seat. He noticed that Kira and Athrun sat away from each other. Only Lacus went closer to Cagalli but didn't disturb her during the take off. She would speak only when the Natural turned the autopilot on. 

Dearka's mind returned to Yzak. Something was clearly amiss but he wouldn't speak until he thoroughly thought everything over from all possible angles, he had made his mind and a decision was reached. It was funny that someone whose feeling are always so close to the surface would be so calmly thinking, but if there was one thing that the platinum (and all of them who had been lucky enough to survive) had learned from the war, it was that thinking before acting is what they should do.

Yzak's head leaned on the tanned boy's shoulder. Dearka embraced his lover and silently offered his support. The other boy answered with a slight movement of the head as he snuggled closer to his lover and put his hand at his thigh before going deeper in his thoughts.

flashback

_Yzak was watching the coffee machine when a movement in the edge of his peripheral vision caught his attention. Knowing that there was no threat, he slowly looked in the direction of the distraction to see Athrun walking out of the kitchen, clearly wanting to remain unnoticed. He wondered why would Athrun act so strange and started following his actions. He saw him opening a door and hesitantly entering the room it led to. It was not like Athrun to behave like that. Was there a problem? _

_The platinum couldn't suppress his curiosity and carefully followed his friend. He stood by the door and opened it enough to see what was the green-eyed doing inside. This was a bedroom – Kira's, since it was his house. His eyes dilated. _

_It was not what the other was doing. It was the face he had that shocked Yzak. Athrun was in profile so it was easy to watch his expression as he lifted his hand and touched a picture standing on a nightstand. The older boy didn't see the picture itself but the longing expression that marked Athrun's face was well known to him. He had been used to seeing that face in the mirror for so long._

_Athrun turned towards the bed and took the pillow that was lying there, then he pressed his face in it and inhaled the scent. _

_The truth hit Yzak like a direct hit from a beam rifle. Athrun was in love._

_In love with Kira…_

_No wonder he had been so under the weather lately. For the last three months to be precise, ever since Kira had announced he had a girlfriend and started spending so much time with her._

_The platinum silently closed the door and returned to the kitchen wondering had he been so engulfed in his newly discovered happiness that he hadn't noticed what was under his nose. He tried to remember Athrun's actions as far back as possible. The other was so reserved when it came to feelings, never revealing anything to anyone besides Kira. _

_There was the clue. As far as Yzak knew it had always been Kira… The only person Athrun believed unconditionally in even when they were opposing each other during the war, the only person he truly ever opened to, the only one he would share his thoughts, hopes, worries…_

_**Kira… Always Kira!**_

**end of flashback**

Yzak felt somewhat sorry for his friend. He knew what he went through. Hadn't the older boy been the same when he thought Dearka saw him only as a friend. He was so glad that everything between him and his long-time friend and now lover were so good.

The platinum had been with his eyes closed while he thought of what he had witnessed earlier in the day but now he opened them slightly, so that they would still seem closed but he would be able to see Athrun that occupied a seat a row ahead and on the other side of the isle. The blue-haired boy seemed consumed by the view but every once in a while, when he thought that no one looked in his direction, he would cast a look at the brunet that stood a few seats ahead of Yzak. He controlled his expression, but deep in the ocean-coloured eyes sneaked longing that tore the platinum's heart.

What was there was not simply love. That was something that went deeper still. It was as if the other boy missed a piece of his soul that Kira possessed.

Yzak closed his eyes unwilling to intrude and peek on his friend in such a moment. He wondered whether there was any chance for his two friends to ever be together. He had never noticed Kira having special feelings towards Athrun, but he had never noticed the same about the green-eyed too, yet the fact was there…

He lifted his head from Dearka's shoulder and very silently started to tell him what had he seen and what he thought was the best way to test if their friends could share some of the mutual happiness they shared.

* * *

Lacus looked around the plane. The environment was so strange. Tense, but not in the way as usually after a fight or an argument. If she had to describe it, it felt more like the electricity and tension that gathered in the atmosphere before a storm. Everyone acted out of character. 

Yzak, who was usually so energetic and stated his opinion not caring whether or not the others were willing to hear it, was now leaning on Dearka's shoulder in a way that was clearly not one to express his love. There was some heavy thoughts that required his attention that were not there when they met in the morning. Something must have happened while they were in the house, but she had no idea what that could be.

Athrun was gazing out of the plane window but whatever was his eyes were fixed at, was not in the view below them, as beautiful as it was. His behavior had been awkward ever since she and Cagalli had arrived. He had seemed distant, he didn't speak and he wandered around the house aimlessly his mind far away. He left the room they were in and when he returned he seemed even more spaced out.

And Kira – he was now in a seat, his eyes on the computer screen and his fingers flying over the keyboard, but every now and then they would pause as if he forgot what he was doing. He had the most awkward behavior of all. Lacus couldn't explain why she felt Kira was different. There was nothing really strange about his actions or words, but she sensed something was amiss and that something was like a fog that covered everything and slowly drained the life-force of the brunet.

The pink-haired songstress wondered how the vacation would turn out…

* * *

**Sovereign of Silence3:** Both Kira and Athrun are in for a lot of suffering before I finish this fic.

* * *


	6. One Day in Paradise

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Gundam SEED or Destiny.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. It is going to get even more sexually explicit in the chapters to come. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 15 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary**: Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter SIX**

**One Day in Paradise**

"OK, here we are." Cagalli's words broke the silence that had been standing for most of the journey. It was left to her and Lacus to try to lead a conversation, but after a few fruitless attempts they had left the boys do what they wanted. Lacus started playing with Pink-chan and Cagalli decided that since she had nothing better to do, she might practice a little and turned off the autopilot to pilot on her own. She loved flying but, she hadn't gotten a lot of opportunities since she became the official Representative of the Emirates of ORB. It was good to feel the plane respond to every movement and to know that there is no war and you don't have to take someone's life in order to save your own or that of a friend. "This is the place we are going to spend the next few days at. Hope you like it."

Below them laid an island that seemed untouched, even if there were a house and a runway on it. The whole place was as the Promised Land – supple, colourful, the water that washed the white sand beaches the purest green-blue and the schools of fish were visible even from this far.

Cagalli started flying in circles gradually lowering the altitude until she landed on the small runway that was about 200 m away from the only house on the beautiful island.

"That was pathetic" came Yzak's voice from behind her. "I've seen blind spastic pilots do a better landing than this."

"Wow, the Sleeping Beauty has awaken, did you get the sleep you missed this morning?" The Natural girl couldn't prevent the slight blushing that covered her cheeks, but she was not going to let the joke pass. "I was starting to think you have forgotten me, when you didn't comment on my piloting skills till now!"

"Well, I was afraid that I might disrupt your concentration and end on bottom of the ocean. I am too young to die, besides my life is far too interesting to end it here and now."

Athrun had jumped out of the plane and was strolling around to get to know the place and he intervened in the dialogue. "Kids, we all know how much you love teasing each other, and as funny as it might be for all of us, in case you haven't noticed, the sun is rather bright and I don't intent to get a heat stroke while you continue like this. Let's get moving."

"Tiandei!" Pink-chan stated his opinion putting an end to the merry conversation and the 6 friend grabbed their bags and headed for the house.

"Aren't there other things we should get from the plane? You know, like food and other things like that?" Dearka was as always practical and his military training stepped in.

"Kisaka and Yzak should have taken care of everything. The house should be supplied with whatever we might need here and more, if I know Kisaka well." Said Cagalli. "OK, welcome to your small home for the time being."

They entered the house. It was on two levels, with big windows that let the light in and the whole ground floor consisted of one living-room and a kitchen. A porch in the front offered a nice place to rest and do nothing.

"Now there are only three bedrooms" continued the blond girl "and I'd say it is not that hard to decide who sleeps with whom. Our lover-boys here get the big bedroom that has only one bed. I sincerely hope that whatever they decide to do behind the door of their room, will not disturb my sleep or I'll …"

"It's you who has the habit of disturbing people, not us!" Came Yzak's voice and the others noticed the pink shade that covered Cagalli's face.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Kira couldn't hide his curiosity and turned his eyes first to his sister but when she avoided his gaze he looked to Yzak for an answer.

"It's nothing" Said his twin at the same time when the platinum stated in a silky voice with a smirk on his face.

"She almost ruined our morning pleasures!"

It was Kira's turn to blush as he heard that. "God, why did I have to ask?"

Athrun made a face at the Natural. But his question was directed at his blue-eyed friend. "Now would you dare to elaborate on the circumstances that led to this peculiar conversation? Though I believe I can imagine parts of it, I am rather curious to know what exactly had Cagalli done and even more I'd like to know how she did it and everything else."

"Even if you get an answer of your question, it will not be right now." Dearka's tone indicated the topic was closed and without any further ado he collapsed in one of the sofas pulling Yzak in his lap.

"So Lacus and I take the pink bedroom, since I guess Kira and Athrun won't be happy to sleep in a room painted in such a colour." The ORB princess explained "Which leaves the northern room for you two she addressed the concerned sides. The good news is that each bedroom has a separate bathroom. I suggest we settle in and then we can go out to explore our temporary home. What do you think?"

Lacus left Pink-chan jumping around and went upstairs to leave her things in her room and to change her clothes. Cagalli followed her, Yzak and Dearka going after them.

* * *

Kira and Athrun stood in the room trying to get used to the idea that they will be sleeping in the same room after so many years. They had somehow managed to avoid this even when they had been on the Archangel during the war. 

Kira went to the window and stared outside but his eyes saw nothing of what was before his eyes. How was he to sleep next to Athrun, to see him getting ready for sleep or after a bath. How was he to hide the instant reaction his body was likely to get? And what would be harder, how would he preserve his sanity which was threatened by the mere closeness of his beloved?

* * *

Athrun was glad at the arrangements. This worked perfectly in his advantage. He would get Kira closer than he even dared to dream and maybe he will make a step ahead in his pursuit of a relationship that went deeper than friendship. There was no way that the brunet would be able to avoid them being alone. 

Enticing images of Kira undressing or warm after a hot shower invaded his mind and Athrun felt his body tense as the thoughts flashed in front of his eyes and he forced himself to concentrate on reality and not to rush things. It was his chance to move from only dreaming to actions that would eventually ensure the realization of his dreams.

He cast a look at his friend who was staring out of the window with strange expression and turned towards the staircase to go to the place that would assist him in his plans. A smile curved his features and he tasted the many wonderful possibilities that were lying ahead.

* * *

"It was a nice walk but I am so hot that the thing I need now is a good dive in the ocean! Who's coming?" Dearka sounded enthusiastic. They had spent the last two hours wandering around the island, chatting about what they were doing for the evening and making plans for the following days. As always they had a few ideas that didn't really coincide so the final decision was settled that today it would be as Cagalli and Lacus proposed, the day to come would be according to Yzak and Dearka's wishes and their third day would be organized by Athrun and Kira. This allowed for less quarrels and everyone was happy. 

"That would be so good! The breeze, the warm water, the soft sand! We should all go, right Kira, Athrun?" Lacus embraced the idea with her whole heart and ran to change in a bathing-suit dragging not really resisting Cagalli with her.

Kira and Athrun were left without much of a choice. They didn't want to ruin the day and secretly each of them dreamt of the sight the other will be – almost naked, wet, with drops of water running down the firm body. They were in for a torture. It wouldn't be easy to hide one's arousal when one wears nothing but a piece of tight-fitting cloth, so to say.

The water was perfect – translucent, warm and felt like paradise. The girls were in a playful mood and started to splash water on everyone which soon lead to a war of domination as the boys started going for mockingly drowning each other. Then they decided to settle the argument with a swimming tournament but instead of waiting for a signal they went for the destination not caring about anything but the victory. On the way they played dirty tricks on each other like pulling the legs of the person ahead or suddenly changing direction to cut the advancing of the one behind. It all ended in another splashing battle in the deep and they were still spitting water when they went to sit on the beach to catch their breaths.

The girls having more common sense than to do such childish things were spread on the warm sand tanning in the light afternoon sun. And Pink-chan tachi were jumping joyfully around them.

Athrun rested on a lounge and put his shades on. He could watch Kira without letting the other follow his gaze and guess what was going on in his mind. The brunet looked so beautiful the late-afternoon sun caressing his skin and drops of water running down his chest and belly to the rim of his boxers (ok, not exactly boxers, but how's the bathing-suit for men called and I don't mean trunks, I mean those sexy little things that they show on fashion-shows, imagine that those are the kind of garments all of the male characters wear). He wonted to trace the drop's path with his fingers and later with his tongue.

His body reacted to those erotic thought and Athrun had to change his position to save himself from embarrassment. When they had been in the water it was easier, the cool temperature soothed his desire and besides no one was able to see what was going on with his body when the water covered him up to his waist and higher. On the beach however thing were different. He closed his eyes and started remembering all the mechatronic laws to destruct his mind and to restrain his raging hormones. He couldn't jump on Kira here in front of everyone and without preparing him for such an assault. This would ensure his rejection and would make things even harder to handle than they were at the moment.

Kira stood up for a second but then he took a lounge as far from Athrun as he could without becoming too suspicious. This was one perfect day for him. He had been able to touch his beloved to run his hands on his perfect firm body while they were playing and battling in the water and no one seed to find it strange. Only he knew that his body triumphed and sand at each touch, each tender caress, each light brush of skin against skin. It didn't matter that Athrun was seeing only a friend in him. For a second Kira could enjoy feeling the other boy and be sure that the water would hide the traces of his desire. The only difficulty had been to keep his loins from touching any of the boys or they would have felt the burning desire that ran through his veins. This was pure pleasure even if he had to run behind a small rock at one moment to relieve the tension in his groin. He was filled with such desire that it took him only few fast strokes to reach his peak. After which he could come out of the water sure that he will not be in a state that he would be ashamed to show himself in front of the others.

* * *

"Who's preparing the dinner today? I am hungry?" Dearka was rubbing his tummy to show it was empty. Both Kira and Athrun were snapped out of their dreams. 

"Lacus and Cagalli!" Yzak was fast to say to ensure he won't be the one to stay in the kitchen in the lovely evening what the weather was promising. "It's 'their' day after all!"

"Does this mean we'll have to eat the terrible excuse for food you and Dearka cook?" Athrun sounded almost sincere in his horror at the possibility. "I hope there is some fast food or at least drugs that will save me from food-poisoning."

"Well, I don't mind if you and Kira cook two days in a row, but you are not that much of a cook either, so don't insult us." Was the curt reply from the blue-eyed.

"No way. I am not doing your job. I do hope you'll try to prepare something edible or at least recognizable." Kira decided to tease the boy further.

"You always have the choice not to eat." With that Yzak span on his heals grabbed Dearka's hand and headed for the house. "We'll take a shower. See you at dinner."

"OK the sun is setting, so I guess we'll have to leave too. Besides Cagalli and I have a dinner to prepare." Lacus rose from her lounge and followed the couple towards the house. Cagalli, Athrun and Kira went after.

* * *

Not one of them, not even the supposedly well trained former members of ZAFT noticed or felt the two pairs of eyes that were watching them…

* * *

People, please review, I want to know what is it you think.

* * *


	7. A Point of No Return

**Pairings**: Athrun x Kira, less Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything of Gundam SEED. :( I am just borrowing the characters and the universe.

**Warnings**: **R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. But this chapter is pretty safe. Still, if you don't approve of homosexuality, this is not for you.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 15 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary**: Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire **

**Chapter SEVEN**

**A Point of No Return**

Yzak tasted the meal he was cooking and nodded in approval. For once he had succeeded to make it exactly as he wanted. Dearka noticing his boyfriend's proud grin took a spoon and tasted the chili sauce they were doing for dinner, or what was supposed to be chili. Surprisingly it was good… until the strong hot pepper taste exploded on his tongue. It felt as if his whole mouth was burning. He hurriedly took a glass and filled it with water then gulped it at once desperately trying to put down the fire that the meal had induced.

"Man, why did you have to make it so hot. I thought you said you knew how to make good chili."

"I do. And so that you know, it has exactly the taste I was going for."

"What is that supposed to mean? Is this some perverted revenge of yours for all the teasing our cooking skills get, or do you intend to turn all of us into some fire-breathing dragons? If you aim the former, this will definitely not help on the matter."

"I don't care! The most important thing here is that this meal will get everyone thirsty and they'll drink a lot of punch."

"Oh, the punch…" Dearka sounded doubting and suspicious and tasted the drink to make sure it was not stronger that the normal. Everything seemed fine, but with Yzak one could never be confident. "Did you do anything to it?"

"No, I didn't!" His gaze didn't falter but there was a spark in the blue-eyes that told the blonde this was not the truth, or at least not the entire truth. "What have you done? I know you too well, Yzak. You have pulled something and I want to know what, or I am spilling this punch right this instant."

Dearka grabbed the big bowl and tipped it over the basin just short of pouring it in.

"Stop it!" The platinum would have jumped on him, Dearka noticed, but he was afraid that it might result in spilling the punch. The tanned boy held the bowl tighter and turned to face his lover directly.

"Tell me everything, Yzak!" His voice was heavy with warning. "What have you done? Is this some game?"

"It's for Athrun! I put this in the punch." He reached in his pocked and retrieved a small bottle holding it so that Dearka could read the label. He winced as he saw the rage crooking his lover's face. He had to explain fast or this was going to get ugly. "I just want him and Kira to loosen a little and this will help!"

"What the hell… Where did you get it from?" Dearka was almost shouting now and his boyfriend hissed him to lower his voice.

"I had it in the emergency pack in our car. I took it before we left it at the airport. And so that you know I have one more bottle."

"This is drug used during interrogations and it is restricted as you are well aware. Besides you are mixing it with alcohol, have you considered this?"

"Am I some retard?" Yzak sounded offended. He didn't pass such insults to his intellect. "Of source I did – this morning when I asked Kira to use his laptop for a second I checked the database, even though I still remember what we were thought at the academy about such medicines, and it is safe enough."

"'Safe enough' doesn't sound that reassuring to me. There's a 'but', isn't it?"

"Well there is – Cagalli. Since she is a Natural, she will probably be strongly affected by the drug so I'll have to make sure she doesn't drink that much. I even have some punch I put aside before adding this extra, so that she gets a lesser dose of the drug."

"So if I get it correctly all of us, but Cagalli are going to drink this. Tell me why should I support this insane idea of yours?" Dearka didn't sound as convinced as his lover wanted. Yzak was both proud his friend was so careful and protective and irritated that he had to defend his actions.

"I only ask you to believe in me, please. You know I'd never do anything that would hurt the others, and especially you." Dearka finally steadied the bowl and put it on the table, but stood between it and Yzak. "I want to try it. I don't know if you watched those two since yesterday, but I have the distinct impression that Athrun is not alone in his feelings. Kira acted strange around his friend. And this morning both of them looked as if they had a sleepless night."

Dearka's face softened and he nodded. "I'll go with you and I'll even drink this concoction you've brewed, so help me God. And I am doing it because I was keeping an eye on those two and I share your opinion. There's more to their relationship towards each other then they let the others see. It's hard to notice it if you don't know what to look for, but since we were in a somewhat similar situation we are able to see the signs. I want them to be happy, and if that happiness means drinking this, I'll do it. Now let's serve, because it's time for dinner… and I truly hope this won't end in tears."

* * *

Everyone was sitting around the table staring in his or her meal gathering courage to taste the results of Yzak and Dearka's cooking. What was in their plates was actually recognizable, which was already a huge improvement of said men's skill, yet all of them had had bad experiences of what taste the food had when prepared by those two. They were all silently looking at each other waiting to see the reaction of the first to eat the chili. 

Lacus, being the nice and considerate person that she had always been, bravely tried a small portion of her dinner. She felt tears form in her eyes and fought to prevent them from pouring down her cheeks. Even harder was for her to suppress the desire to open her mouth and start breathing like a fish taken out of the water. She reached for her napkin and pretended to be cleaning the angles of her mouth while she discreetly dried her tears. Then she took her glass and drank, the cool sweet punch easing and soothing her tongue.

"This is… actually quite… good." She managed to say and everyone around winced as they heard these words. Yzak however beamed at the praise and looked expectantly at the others.

Lacus was giving them the Glare – the commanding one that said 'You _will_ eat this and _will_ praise it, **_right_**?' Even if she was so tender, sweet and fragile on the outside, on the inside she was capable to cut through a diamond as hot knife through butter and they knew it. They all braced themselves, threw a prayer to every God they knew and tasted the meal. It took them less than a second to grab their glasses and drink the punch inside.

While everyone was so busy trying to cool down their mouths Dearka bent towards his lover and said. "I am doing this for you. As much as I like Kira and Athrun and think that they might make a good couple, this is not something that I would have done just because of them. You'll owe me big, you know, Yzak. And you can bet I'll be collecting this debt." Then he started eating the chili.

Soon everyone found out that if they ate a small portion of chili with more tacos and rinsed this with a plenty of punch it was almost good and they somehow managed to have a dinner without getting their tongues permanently impaired.

* * *

"So what are we doing this evening?" Came Cagalli's voice directed at Yzak and Dearka as it was their day. "Have you come up with something or are we having free agenda?" 

"I have an idea actually, but I'll need Kira's comp for a second. Do you mind, Kira?"

"No, of course."

It took Yzak a few minutes to type something while the others wondered what had he prepared for them. They didn't have to wait long to find out.

"OK, here is the basic rule. Everyone types in something he wants to tell to each of the other but hasn't for one reason or other and it could be anything – a joke, a reprimand, a confession of some sorts. The others will leave the room while someone is typing. The messages won't be signed and each should start with the name of the one it addresses. The program I wrote will store and shuffle the messages and then it will spill them randomly. I think it is a good way for each of us to learn something about him- or herself and the others and still keep his/her anonymity. Do you agree?"

"Why not? It might prove interesting and it's not like we have a better option. I'd go for it." Surprisingly Athrun was the first person to agree. Yzak and Dearka exchanged meaningful glances while the other stated their agreement. It was going to be funny since even if they could think clearly, thanks to the drug, their subconscious was much closer to the surface than it would have normally been and things they would never say were likely to slip out and get written.

* * *

"OK, let's see what have we got!" With these words Yzak started shuffling the entries and hit the space to show the first confession. He read it aloud: "'Yzak, I hated that chili, I still feel as if I have fumes going out of my ears and nose and I wish I could stuff all of it down your throat!'" He made a face of mock offense and stated in a grave and depressed tone "Now that's pretty nice thing to say to someone who worked so hard to feed you. What's next?" The message showed on the screen and he read it silently then turned slightly to watch Athrun's expression at what he was about to hear. 

"'Kira, I wish I could grab you and shove my tongue deep down your throat'" the blue-eyed had written this intentionally just to see how would Kira and Athrun react to this and he wasn't disappointed. The blue-haired's face crooked with something that resembled anger that someone might have set eyes on his beloved. So far, so good. Kira went pale as he heard it and then deep pink colour covered his face and went down his neck. The brunet couldn't even dare to hope it was written by Athrun but still images of the emerald-eyed boy grabbing him and kissing him senseless took his breath away. He braced himself and mentally scolded himself for letting his reaction show. The others burst laughing at both the message itself and Kira's intense reaction to it.

"'Dearka, you have one sexy ass, but I have to say that Yzak's looks even better'" said the next one and the blonde boy it addressed spew the punch he was just drinking as a wave of laughter threatened to knock him on the floor. He started coughing and the sugarcoated voice of Cagalli asked if he needed help. The slightly intensified colour on her cheeks betrayed her as the author of this one. "OK, that was interesting, next one!" Yzak was barely holding his jiggles and everyone around was still grinning.

They went on reading the messages most of which were jokes or teasings. Yzak was disappointed. Nothing was coming out of his plan at least so far. Yet there were three more messages – one for each of Kira, Athrun and Cagalli. Would they be of any help? He hit the space button stopping the shuffle. "'Cagalli, the pink becomes you, but I hope you are not deeply disturbed by what you witnessed yesterday morning. This should be your warning for what to expect when you call this early.'" The platinum boy growled inwardly as he read. The punch had affected the Natural girl quite a bit even though he had been pouring her the drug-free as often as he could and she was likely to jump on this and make a few comments. He was not ashamed of what she might reveal and he knew the same went for Dearka since this was clearly his doing, but he was almost obsessed with the content of the last two messages. His worries were soon proved correct as Cagalli burst out:

"Disturbed! That's not it! What was worse was that Kisaka was there in the room and he too saw the screen and my reaction and he kept – and I know will keep – teasing me about it!" Yzak and Dearka felt uneasy hearing that the colonel had seen them, but that was not that big of a deal. "Was it my fault that you had set the vidphone on auto-response and fucked like horny rabbits not caring that it might ring."

Suddenly everyone found the ceiling extremely interesting and covered their mouths trying to suppress the laughter that overwhelmed them.

"So that was what happened yesterday!" Athrun was laughing so hard that he held his stomach. "No wonder you were blaming me and tried to punch me for getting interrupted. I can imagine the sight, man I wish I was there in Kisaka's place. "

"If you were we wouldn't have gotten that call in the first place, you moron." Yzak was losing his temper and hit the computer to start the last shuffling. He was more than just mildly irritated and it had nothing to do with the talk right now. It was because he had put so many hopes in this game and so far the results were far from satisfying. "That's enough, I am reading the last two messages. 'Athrun,…" he moved his head just enough to able to watch the faces of Kira and Athrun, "…I wish I could tell you…'" the platinum-haired went wild. Was that it? It was Kira's message he was sure of it, and all it said was 'I wish I could tell you'? Man, these two would never be together if they go in such a pace.

Kira's expression was perfectly controlled and nothing could be read on it, Athrun's however was perplexed and slightly hopeful. The blue-haired boy didn't know what his beloved couldn't share with him – and he was sure this was Kira's message – but maybe, just maybe things would turn up in his favour. How would Kira react to his message and would he feel who wrote it? It was already shining on the computer screen.

"Kira, I want you to know that I feel like you can touch my soul and I wish you'd let me touch yours."

These words left everyone speechless. No one even dared comment them.

Athrun knew he had taken a great risk. He had bared his soul in front of everyone. The others were smart enough to realize who had writen that message and what it really meant, but would Kira see through it? Wouldl he acknowledge all the longing, the love and hope that those few words concealed as much as revealed? And how would he react if he did?

Kira's eyes flew to Athrun in astonishment. He froze. His mind went blank. Was this some kind of a bad joke from Athrun. Did he know his – Kira's – feelings? Was this his a way to mock him in front of the others? His head was spinning. Had he gotten too much punch or was that due to the shock. He couldn't think. He was afraid to…

He was even more afraid to hope. What if he ended hurt. Everyone he had loved had hurt him one way or another…

His parents had been hiding the truth about his birth…

Fllay had used his insecurities, his pain, his inability to protect those he had vowed to…

Was Athrun going to hurt him as well…? If he did, if he knew or suspected his feelings and toyed with them – and in front of the others too – would he be able to recover from that? He would forgive him. There wasn't anything that his beloved could do no matter how painful, that he wouldn't forgive, but then what. He had been able to live and struggle through the days for one reason – his hope that maybe someday Athrun will turn and there deep in his eyes will shine the same love that he saw glowing in his own. It was hard enough to pretend they were just friends as it was, but if everyone knew and pitied him he preferred to be away. He couldn't stand it…

"I am sorry. I feel I've gotten one drink too much, so I am going to bed." The smile felt unnatural on his face, and words rang hollow in his ears but he didn't care. He needed to exit this room or he would suffocate. Or worse – he would fall on his knees begging Athrun for his love. "Good night!"

He tried to keep himself from running until he was in his room out of the others' view and only then did he let the tears fall as he curled in his bed buried under the covers.

* * *

Sleep claimed him long before the person responsible for his angst came in… 

Down everyone stared at Athrun whose face was crooked. They were shocked how cold had Kira reacted to such an open declaration of love. His face was like a mask that concealed any feeling. Couldn't he be a bit more considerate? A bit more sensitive? Did he have to act so cruel? What had happened with the warm caring being he had once been? Had his relationship with that girl he was dating changed him so much, or was this some effect of the war that showed only now?

Athrun's heart was breaking in his chest. He thought that he knew what pain was when he had been separated from the one person that was his entire universe, but what he felt now was worse. It was as if his heart had been ripped off his chest and then handed back to him. What was going on with his beloved? This was not the Kira he had always known. Who was this stranger and what had he done with the tender person he had once been?

He didn't face the others. He was not ready. He needed to deal with this first. Athrun stepped out of the room and disappeared in the night looking for answers…

* * *

It took him a few hours to reach a decision what his next step should be. 

He knew he had gotten too far to step back now. There was only one way for him – fighting – fighting for Kira's heart and not only. For Kira's soul too. It should have been hurt without any of them noticing. Maybe that's why he ended with that girl that didn't suit him – as an escape. There was no other explanation for such a change. The true Kira was deep there somewhere hidden from the pain the world inflicted upon him and Athrun had to help him find the way back or they both will get lost forever.

That was it. He was not giving up! He would show Kira that peace and happiness were right beside him. He would be patient but not overly. So far patience had led him nowhere.

He would attack the true Kira with all the love of his being, no more hiding, no more halfhearted confessions – tomorrow he would face his destiny!

They would face their destiny. No matter where it lead…

Tomorrow would be a new day, a new beginning…

* * *

**Sovereign of Silence3:** Thanks for the info, didn't know about that.

* * *


	8. Yume no Naka ni

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, some Dearka x Yzak in future chapters

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Gundam SEED or Destiny.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. This chapter contains a **LEMON** and it is rather descriptive (but I have removed it since a friend poineted outit didn't meet criteria it con now be found on AFF). If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read or at least skip this chapter.

Anything of any importance that happens in this chapter will be reflected upon in further chapters.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 15 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summery:** Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter EIGHT**

**Yume no Naka ni… In a Dream…**

It was way past midnight when Athrun stepped in the room he shared with Kira. He didn't turn the lights on, since he didn't want to wake the other boy up. He just used the small lamp for reading next to his bed, quickly undressed and showered. When he exited the bathroom he noticed that Kira was dreaming and it seemed that nightmares were torturing him. The brunet was mumbling under his breath and Athrun had to listen carefully to hear what was he saying yet he only made a few words out.

"No… don't kill them…! …Fllay…, that girl…, Uzumi-san…! …dead…! Athrun, don't die!"

Athrun considered waking him up, but thought better of it. He just caressed Kira's hair and softly started to calm him down. "Daijobu dakara, Kira! Minna wa daijobu dakara! Shizuke yo!" (It's all right, Kira! Everyone's fine! Calm down!) Slowly Kira's body eased and his sleep became more relaxed, his breathing even and after one last stroke more for himself than for his beloved Athrun let the boy sleep.

He went to bed turned off the lamp and stared in the dark shadows until sleep claimed him, his last thought that he would tell Kira his feelings once they woke up and let events unfold as they wish.

* * *

He felt Kira's firm body next to his and could inhale his scent, feel his heat… The gentle curve of the brunet's neck felt so nice on his arm. Somewhere in the back of his mind Athrun didn't want to wake up. He wished he could continue this dream and see where it led. Yet another part of his mind urged him to come to his senses. He tried to fight that annoying reasonable part but he was losing the battle and his eyes slowly and unwillingly fluttered open. The sky was starting to brighten in the east and things were recognizable. He shut them again. 

That was impossible. I was not a dream. Kira _was_ in his bed! Or was he in Kira's? He concentrated and studied his surroundings careful not to move and wake the boy next to him. Yes, it was his bed. Obviously at some moment the other boy had unconsciously snuggled in as he used to do four years ago. It seemed that his body still remembered and sought the comforting warmth of his friend.

Kira was lying atop the left half of Athrun's body, his belly at the blue-haired's hips and his left leg between Athrun's. Kira's head rested on the younger boy's upper arm and his hand was on the chest of his "pillow".

Athrun lifted his free hand and tenderly caressed the strands that were lying on the pillow and on his arm. They were as soft and silky as he had always imagined them to be. His head bent slightly and his lips touched the soft hairs. Their scent filled his nose and hit his brain sending a wave of pure desire down his spine. This was a torture yet a sweet one and he wished he could stay like this forever.

Kira murmured something in his sleep and his body pressed tighter onto Athrun's. The younger boy tensed his muscles straining to keep himself from reacting to that tease. Kira's lids fluttered tickling the green-eyed's skin and a pair of hazed from the sleep amethyst eyes locked Athrun's gaze.

"Mata… kimi… yume no naka ni…" (Again… you… in my dream…) Kira said those confusing words and his hand that was resting on Athrun's chest started tracing small circles on the soft warm skin sending prickling sensations that made it bristle up.

_His dream…_

_Kira's dream… _

Were they one? Could they be…? Was this real or was he dreaming that he was awake… Did he even care…?

Athrun's head bent a fraction more and his lips claimed Kira's in a soft and undemanding kiss, happy to just taste the sweet ambrosia of his beloved. To his surprise it was Kira who demanded more. It was his tongue that first licked the blue-haired's lips looking to enter in his mouth. He was glad to comply and his tongue darted in the brunet's mouth touching, tasting, battling. What started as a sweet virginal kiss progressed in a sensual exploration of their mouths. Athrun still remained passive careful not to frighten Kira with the intensity of his desire. He didn't even dare embrace him, just kiss him back as his mind screamed in triumph that his Kira was beside him and he seemed to desire him.

However that part of Athrun, that cared for his beloved's feeling more than his own couldn't let one subject unexplored. Was Kira awake? Did he realize who he was kissing? And if it was neither, did he have the strength to pull out of what seemed to be his dream come true? The kiss broke when they both needed oxygen. Athrun used the opportunity before he had lost his will.

"Kira, ano, are you awake?"

"Kimi ga hoshii…" I want you… With these words the brunet's body shifted and naked skin caressed naked skin making both boys moan.

The primal part of Athrun's mind, the one that was really awake, took control over his reason and responded uninhibitedly to this tender confession. He didn't want to think why Kira had said that now, he didn't want to think how true that was and what would the morning bring if he let himself to his instincts. He was not capable of thinking at all…

He sat in the bed with his beloved beside him. His hands reached for Kira's head and his lips pressed against Kira's in a fierce passionate kiss. Two tongues started dueling, reaching in the other's mouth, caressing everything they reached – gums, palate, tongue going deeper to the throat.

The older boy's hands couldn't stand still. They explored Athrun's back, the fingertips lining the firm muscles and feeling the softness that covered them. The green-eyed Coordinator broke the kiss and started tracing small kisses on the other boy's face until he reached the right ear, then he suckled the flesh and lightly bit it. Kira's hands at his rear clenched showing his approval.

Athrun changed their position as he pushed the brunet on the bed. A pair of beautiful misted amethyst eyes looked up at him expectant and dreamy. He smiled at those eyes and continued to explore the feast that was presented to him so unexpectedly.

* * *

Here was the lemon itself...

* * *

The brunet turned on his side facing his lover and caressed Athrun's cheek and said "Arigatou!" Then his eyes started to close and he fell asleep his head on his beloved's chest. 

Athrun held him tighter and closer and gently and silently mumbled in the other boy's hair "Suki da yo, Kira! Ima, kimi wa ore no mono da!" (I love you, Kira. Now you are mine.)

Kira just snuggled in his chest and silently whispered "Ai… Zutto ni…Ai…"

Athrun closed his eyes as he heard those words. Why did Kira have to say _her_ name now, only moments after they had shared something so special and intimate. His heart hurt, but there was one light that guided him through the long dark tunnel that led to Kira's heart… Kira desired him. The passion they shared could not be imitated. And when he watched his eyes he thought that it was not only passion that sparkled in their depths…

Even if the brunet was not aware of it, somewhere deep inside him there was the seed of love that needed to be taken care of and to be allowed to grow and bloom and Athrun was going to do his best to ensure this happened and as soon as possible. He embraced his beloved and drifted away in his dreams…

He was too engulfed in his thoughts and Kira had buried his face in his chest so he didn't hear the muted and soft words that continued Kira's sentence.

"…shite iru."

* * *

**A/N: **This is a phrase with double meaning. _"Ai… Zutto ni…Ai…"_ could be translated as "Ai… Always… Ai…", combined with the part Athrun doesn't hear it becomes "_Ai… Zutto ni…Ai shite iru_", which means "Love… I've always loved you." Actually this was the main reason I named Kira's fictional girlfriend Ai. 

**Sovereign of Silence3:** thank you hor reviewing every chapter. And I don't mean to spoil you, but things between Kira and Athrun will get worse and even more angsty starting from the next chapter.

* * *


	9. An Unexpected Development

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, some Dearka x Yzak in future chapters

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Gundam SEED or Destiny.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 15 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary:** Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter NINE**

**An Unexpected Development**

"It's almost noon and Kira and Athrun are still sleeping. That's strange. Athrun usually gets up at dawn. I'll go and check on them." With these words Cagalli jumped off the sofa she was sitting in and headed for the door.

Yzak and Dearka exchanged meaningful glances that remained unnoticed by the Natural, since they were behind her back, but Lacus saw them. She didn't comment though, it was not like her to do so.

The platinum-haired boy went after Cagalli and put his hand on her shoulder turning her around. He winked at her. "Wait, I'll go. They are boys after all. Who knows, they might be naked or something. And if I am lucky, I might even see them." He scratched his head and continued. "Well, I did see Athrun once, while we were still in the Academy, but that was some years ago, he should look better now, more developed, you know. And of course I haven't seen Kira. This might be my chance."

"I wonder whether I should act jealous and go kill Athrun and Kira, or grab some big heavy pan from the kitchen and crash your head with it." Came Dearka's drawl from behind. "I will join you just in case any of those two needs to be saved from your harassment."

They exited the living-room they had been in together and headed for the staircase that led to the second floor where the bedrooms were.

* * *

"I don't think they heard. Their room is farther from the one used by those two than ours. And I am not sure they would have guessed what the noises meant anyway. I do hope your plan worked as you intended." 

"Well from what we heard early this morning, I'd say it did. I am proud however that we are less noisy than them, but I suppose since that was their first time they can be forgiven."

"They were not that loud, besides we had better things to do than listen to them making out." Dearka planted a lingering kiss on his boyfriend's lips. "Fine here we are. I'd say we better knock stronger."

Yzak knocked loudly and waited patiently for an answer.

* * *

Athrun woke up from the knock. He instantly remembered that the room was not locked and he shouted "One moment, please" as he jumped from the bed and looked for something to put on. It turned out to be a pair of Kira's trousers. He winced. How could his lover – this word tasted so good – wear such clothes was beyond him. He grabbed his own that were on a chair nearby. Then he went to the door and opened it slightly to prevent whoever was on the other side from seeing Kira in his bed. Not that he was ashamed, but this was something personal that was of no interest whatsoever to anyone else. He saw Dearka and Yzak patiently waiting. 

"What?"

"Well it's lunch time in an hour and Cagalli started to worry about you two. She even intended to storm in here, but we thought it would be better if we came, so I stopped her."

Athrun felt heat on his cheeks at the thought of Cagalli seeing him and Kira embraced in the bed. Since, knowing her, she was most likely to burst in the room not caring to knock first. He cleared his throat. "Uh, thank you. We'll come shortly." He closed the door, then leaned on it and thanked silently that Cagalli had not come.

He turned to the bed and the memories of what had happened between him and his lover – now this word just couldn't get out of his head – overwhelmed him and he smiled. His eyes flew to the sheets that covered that perfect body that had been his just a while ago and he saw the few blood stains. Kira's virginity. That blood bound them as much as the act itself. He knew the boy would hurt. He thought it might be better if the brunet remained in bed till the following day under some whatever stupid pretext they might come with otherwise his possible limping might lead to questions.

Athrun drank in the features of the beloved face. His Sleeping Beauty waiting for the kiss of the Prince. He sat on the bed and bent to plant a kiss on those succulent lips. He touched them and withdrew in horror…

Kira was burning… Something was wrong. Had something happened while hie had been away last night? Was it some weird reaction to their lovemaking? Or was he seriously ill? He was a Coordinator, he was not supposed to get most of the existing diseases.

Athrun tried to think reasonably as he quickly dressed. It was better if he moved Kira to his own bed. He lifted the boy and carried him there, carefully laying him between the sheets and covering him with them. He swiftly removed the sheets from his bed and after some thought he folded the stained sheet and tucked it in his bag as symbol, a memory from this night. Then he put away the bottle of lubricant to avoid problems.

He checked on Kira once again before he ran down to the others.

* * *

Athrun entered the living-room and all gazes flew to him. 

"Where's Kira?" Cagalli was the first to ask, but the green-eyed boy ignored her and turned to Yzak and Dearka.

"May I have a few words with you? In private." The boys noticed that Athrun was serious and without a comment nodded and left the room.

Athrun led them to the pouch and started. "I know that this is a weird and personal question, but it's important to me and you are the only people I can turn to. Last night you probably realized that I am in love with Kira." The boys nodded again and waited to hear the question itself. The blue-haired boy looked each of them in the eye and continued "We made love this morning, but now Kira's feverish, is that normal?"

The pair in front of him looked a bit stunned but instantly replied "NO! It's not!"

"He is a Coordinator." Dearka voiced what was the essence of the problem. "That is more than weird. We should tell the girls and go see Kira's condition."

Athrun went back in as the other two stood behind.

* * *

"Could it be due to the drug?" Yzak was worried. "I did check, it is not supposed to induce such a reaction. It was not even listed among the side effects. Not even the most rare and specific." 

"I don't know." Came his lover's reply. "But we are telling the doctor about it." With this they headed for the living-room where everyone seemed pretty disturbed with Kira's weird sickness.

* * *

"Should we call a medical team here, or do we transport him to Onogoro island?" Cagalli sounded deeply concerned as she walked nervously around the room. 

Lacus reasonable as always said. "Wouldn't it be better if we saw Kira's condition before rushing to decisions that might prove wrong later. And have you boys not taken some first aid courses at the academy?" She went for the door and everyone followed.

"We did," replied Dearka, "but that was mostly about tending injuries."

They entered Athrun and Kira's room and stood around the brunet's bed. Lacus bent and touched his skin to check the boy's temperature. Then she lifted one eyelid to see the pupils and gasped. The others jumped.

"What's wrong?" that phrase exited several mouths at once.

Lacus moved still holding Kira's lid up and everyone saw what had shocked her. The amethyst-eyed boy had gone SEED. They looked at each other in bewilderment. It was supposed to be possible to enter SEED-mode at any moment, but it was strange to see someone in SEED-mode during a fever, besides as far as they knew Kira had never used his SEED except for some serious situations during the war.

Lacus stood up and slowly said: "I think that this, whatever it is, might be beyond us to manage with. There are two persons who know enough about the SEED – Malchio-sama and Erica Simmons – we should contact them to hear what they have to say. And since Malchio-sama is away on PLANT, I'll go and call Erica-san."

"I'll come with you" volunteered Cagalli. "It would be wise that someone stayed here to oversee Kira."

"I'll stay" replied Athrun and sat down beside his beloved. His hand reached to touch the brunet. And his face showed how deeply he was worried. The girls looked at the other two boys silently asking them to take care of Athrun as much as of Kira.

The two nodded slightly. "We'll stay too" said Yzak for himself and Dearka.

The girls nodded approvingly and exited the room.

* * *

Dearka asked somewhat curious "Aren't most feverish people restless? I mean, Kira hasn't moved even a finger all the time we spent here. Isn't that strange?" 

Athrun didn't seem to hear. He kept stroking his beloved's hair and he seemed to be far away in his thoughts.

The blue-haired wondered if it was his fault. Had he done something wrong? Had he hurt the person that meant to him more than life itself? And if he had, would Kira want to have something to do with him once he woke up? _If_ he did… As much as he wanted to, the green-eyed Coordinator was aware that the brunet was one of the most successful Coordinators ever created (1), and as such only some serious illness would be able to get him.

The blue-haired's mind kept pondering on this unexpected turn of events. How long had the brunet been in such a state? Had he actually been aware what had they shared in the morning or – this possibility frightened Athrun even more – had he been delirious and unable to realize what had he been doing and with whom? He was afraid to go there, it was too painful.

Distantly he heard the door opening and turned to face Lacus and Cagalli to find out what had Erica Simmons said.

"Erica-san told us that according to what we described Kira can be safely transferred to Onogoro and she would wait with an ambulance at the airport to tend to him." Lacus sounded more positive as she said that.

Athrun nodded accepting Erica's evaluation of the situation and asked Yzak. "Would you pilot the plane on the way back and as fast as the plane's construction allows?" He turned to Cagalli and added "I am sorry, it's not that I doubt your pilot skills but Yzak's better."

Tha platinum-haired boy was surprised. "I will, but I thought you wouldn't trust anyone else besides yourself in such a situation."

"I am not leaving his side." Was the curt reply.

"OK, we'll pack as fast as we can and we'll leave." Lacus urged the others to move. "Athrun, you pack too, both your things and Kira's. There's nothing you can do for him now anyway, except to act swiftly and reasonably."

* * *

The flight seemed to take forever. 

Since there were no beds or whatever places that Kira could lye on save the floor and the green-eyed Coordinator had refused to even consider such an option, the brunet was half-sitting half-lying in Athrun's lap, his head resting on the blue-haired boy's chest. Everyone was staring at Kira who had still not moved even an eyelid.

It took Athrun some time to realize that something had changed in Kira's condition.

"He is getting cold!" The panic in his voice alarmed the others. They were not used to hear their friend speak like that even during the worst moments of the war.

"Let me see," Lacus was not sure Athrun was capable of sensible action anymore. He seemed to be freaking out and losing his common sense when it was needed the most. She placed her hand on the brunet's forhead, than she touched his hands and chest. She became worried too. The blue-haired was not hallucinating, Kira's temperature seemed to have lowered below the normal and he was not showing any signs of recovery. What kind of weird disease was this? "You are right. Yzak, how long do we have till we arrive?"

"About half an hour, maybe a little more."

"Can you contact Erica-san and tell her what's going on?"

"I'll call the flight control and request a line to contact her."

* * *

When they landed the ambulance was waiting for them. Erica Simmons had come personally to see what was going on. 

"There isn't enough space for everyone in the ambulance, so I ordered for another car to come and drive you to the hospital."

"I am staying with Kira!" Athrun's tone left no place for argument or discussion. "Besides, there's something I need to tell you." He added more calmly and only for her ears.

"I need to talk to you too, Erica-san." Said Yzak as well. "Will there be enough space for me?"

"Yes. But no more!" She added as she saw Cagalli open her mouth to request that she joined them too. In another situation the girl would have tried to use her position to get what she wanted but this time she just nodded and went to travel with Dearka and Lacus in the other car.

"Now, what did the two of you want to tell me? I suppose you consider it to have some connection with Kira-kun's condition. Athrun-kun would you start?" Erica Simmons was examining the brunet's status as she asked her questions.

"I have no idea if this is connected in any way, but…" he looked at Yzak who was listening. The boy knew of the sexual intercourse he and Kira had had, yet it was weird to discuss it in front of him "… this morning…" Athrun drew a deep breath and spilled it "… Kira and I had sex. It was his first time with another boy as far as I know."

The woman looked at him her face unimpressed. "Was he hurt? Did he bleed?"

The blue-haired blushed slightly but that was not the time to think about his own uneasiness and answered honestly. "There were some bloodstains on the sheets, but not many or big."

"That's within the normal, especially considering the boy was a virgin." She turned to face the other boy in the ambulance. "Yzak-kun, what did you think I should know?"

The blue-eyed looked at his friend, aware that his words would most probably enrage him and cause a drift between then, especially now in the state the green-eyed boy was. But this was far too important to be kept secret so he just admitted "Last night I mixed a drug in the punch a made – Pentoxin (2) – one 10 ml bottle of 5-percent-sollution of the drug in 4 litres juice and one litre 40-degrees alcohol. Kira went to bed around 11.00 pm, as far as I saw he drank 5 or 6 cups, the summed quantity being about 800 ml."

Athrun was eyeing him in a way that clearly said that there would be a continuation of this conversation in a more proper place and time. Yzak just nodded showing that he took the responsibility for his actions.

"Thank you Yzak-kun. I'll take that into notion and I'll run all the test needed to find out whether that had any role in Kira-kun's current condition and to what extent. However, I notice that everyone else is fine, even Cagalli-san, who as a Natural should be more susceptible to the drug, so this probably is rather insignificant. I feel there's something deeper here. But I won't say more until I see the test results."

* * *

"Sir, they left the island with the object in a strange condition. From what we heard he had fallen with a fever. Did you get the report we sent you this morning?" The blonde young man in military uniform speaking stood to attention. 

The person on the other side of the connection said curtly "Yes, I did!"

"I apologize, sir, for our inability to kidnap the object, but he had been accompanied by someone most of the time and your orders were quite strict in that regard. We were not to approach the object if he is not alone."

"That order is off! There's no need to kidnap him anymore! I want you to do something else instead."

"Roger that, sir. What would you order?"

"You are to make sure the object is safe in any possible way. There's no need to feed him _that_ anymore. Mother Nature would do her job from now on, I hope."

"Sir!" The other black-haired youth saluted and then asked "Please tell us exactly what are we supposed to do, Sir."

"You are to make sure he is safe and sound. But first you'll get me all the examinations and test results from the hospital he is staying at. Once he is discharged you'll follow him and make sure not a hair falls from his head. Is it clear?"

"Sir, yes, sir!" Both young men saluted. As soon as the connection was suspended the black-haired said.

"First we have to kidnap him and now this! Is that man in his right mind? What had happened since yesterday to change his objective so suddenly? I doubt it has anything to do with the weird disease. There's more to this but he would not tell us."

"We are not supposed to question orders, only to follow them!" Came the blonde's reply. His tone indicated he wouldn't be commenting more on the topic.

* * *

Erica Simmons stared at her patient who was lying pale and unmoving in the bed in front of her. She didn't know what to think. The results she received had been so weird that she had repeated the tests just to make sure everything was correct. There was no mistake. Except for his hormone levels that were most peculiar, but were unlikely to cause such a reaction, the boy was absolutely healthy, yet his basic metabolic rate was far lower than the normal. There was only one explanation for his condition, even if it was something she had never heard or read to have happened to a human. 

Kira-kun was in hibernation (3) and she had no idea how were she or the medical team supposed to act.

* * *

**A/N:** (1) I assume that Kira hadn't shared with anybody about the "Ultimate Coordinator" project and him being the only successful result of it. 

(2) This is a randomly created name for the drug and if such a medicine is registered somewhere it is a pure coincidence.

(3) Hibernation is slowing of all processes in the organism, but it still operates normally. The winter sleep of bears and other animals is type of hibernation. In medicine this term is used for artificially (using low temperatures) induced slower metabolic rate during operations meant to spare as much trauma on the body as possible.

I added another character – Erica Simmons, I really like that woman, despite the small part she has in the show. However I changed some things about her. I am aware that she is an engineer, but for the sake of the plot I added another education to complement her engineering. As you've noticed I made her a M.D. as well. Hope you don't mind.

Here's the next chapter. Thanks for the reviews, i love athrun, death by storm and Sovereing of Silence3. I love to read reviews, but I don't mind critique so if there's something you don't like, feel free to point it. And **Sovereign of Silence3** I promise that there will be an explanation of the pregnancy including the uterus and Fallopian tubes issue. It will be in ch. 13. (parts of it and there will be more later still in the fic).

* * *


	10. Anger, Madness and Nightmares

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, some Dearka x Yzak in future chapters

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Gundam SEED or Destiny.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read. There's some death in this chapter (kind of).

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 15 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary:** Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try to get closer, the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter TEN**

**Anger, Madness and Nightmares**

Once Athrun had trusted his beloved in the capable hands of Erica Simmons and was told that he would have to wait outside, he grabbed Yzak's hand and not muttering even a single word, dragged him out of the hospital to the underground car-park.

Once there, without any warning he clenched his hands in fists and tried to punch the platinum-haired boy. Yzak avoided it but he knew that in such a state, when he needed to channel out his anger, the emerald-eyed man in front of him was capable to go for a kill and with their training they would end up pinned to beds in a room somewhere next to Kira's. He tried to reason with his friend before it became too late. He was grateful that the other had not gone berserk or there would have been no other option but to fight and that would have been a fight to death, or close.

"Athrun, please! I know how you feel. I understand your pain and fear, but it's not the moment to lose your common sense!" Yzak tried to talk to his friend but the boy in front of him seemed unable to think reasonably. His attacks were becoming more and more aggressive and the blue-eyed Coordinator feared that soon he wouldn't be able to simply dodge or block and would have to fight back, and if that border was crossed there would be no stopping until one or the two of them were incapable of moving.

"How could you do this to Kira? I thought you had long gone past the hatred you felt for him during the war. He thought you were his friend. And you did this to him!"

Each sentence was accompanied by a punch or a kick. The things were definitely getting out of control. Yzak felt low for having to use such phrases but he had to stop this madness. "Do you think Kira would have approved of your current actions? Kira, who hated war and violence more than anything? He, who dreamed of peace and mutual understanding?"

Those words seemed to reach Athrun's mind and he slowly lowered his hands and stood still. It was almost frightening to see how his determined and enraged just a second ago face went pale and his whole body became limp as if Athrun's legs couldn't bear the weight of it. It was as if life itself was draining out of him. He seemed broken down.

The blue-haired boy looked at his friend and almost lifelessly asked "Why? Why did this happen to him? He is so kind and tender and considerate."

Yzak wanted to embrace his friend to offer support but he didn't know how the other would react and besides he felt that one touch could break the boy to thousand pieces. So he just stood there.

"Why did you do it? I don't understand…"

"I thought I could help…" The older Coordinator felt guilt he never suspected he was capable of feeling. "See, I knew of your love towards him and I had my reasons to think he might love you back."

"You knew… God, was I that obvious… I suppose I was… This should have been a nice laugh between you and Dearka…" Athrun sounded so self-depreciative that his friend winced. This was not the boy he knew.

"No, it's not like this. I saw you…, two days ago, in Kira's bedroom… holding his pillow, touching the pictures. It was only then that I realized your feelings. I know what it is to love and to think that the object of your affection doesn't respond to your feelings, so when I noticed that Kira seemed to feel for you, I thought that some loosening up would do the job and you'll find each other. I never meant it to turn out like this. I thought I had checked all possible side-effects." Yzak's fist flew towards a wall and hit it hard. His knuckles got bruised but he didn't care. It was his fault his friend was here in that hospital fighting for his life. "It's my fault. God, if I could reverse time I'd have never done that."

Athrun wanted to continue to blame everything on Yzak, it was so much easier like that, but he couldn't. He saw that the other boy suffered as much as he did and besides anger required too much energy which he didn't have right now. He just shook his head and headed back for the elevators to return to the floor where Kira was. The others should have already arrived and they probably wondered where he and Yzak had been. And most importantly – maybe there would be some news on his beloved's condition.

Yzak followed silently.

* * *

"Where were you?" Cagalli's voice was the first thing that met him as he turned in the corridor that led to Kira's room. "Don't you care about my brother?" 

Athrun didn't feel like minding the feelings or those of the others right that moment, so he snapped back "Shut up! Don't shout in here!"

The Natural blinked wondering if Athrun was aware that he was also shouting and everyone else looked at him in shock.

"I know we all are worried but, that's the more why we should support one another and not argue." Lacus tried to ease the tension. "It's Kira we have to concentrate on, not our anger or pain. Besides, don't forget that we are in a hospital and we should keep silence."

Both Athrun and Cagalli lowered their heads in recognition of their guilt.

The minutes started to drag as they awaited some news.

* * *

_Kira-kun was in hibernation and she had no idea how were she or the medical team supposed to act._

Erica Simmons wondered how was she to explain Kira's condition to the 5 worried youths that waited for her in the corridor when she herself didn't quite understand it.

It would have been much easier if there was a reason she could point to and say that it was the cause for the hibernation. Any reason would have been good. One could fight against the known, but there was no way to jump in the dark and risk worsening the state of the boy, especially since it seemed that his body accepted it as normal. And what disturbed her even more was that really contradictive combination between hibernation and SEED-mode.

While the former caused slowing of all processes in the organism, the latter was known to raise the awareness of all senses, and senses in that particular case were not even operational. It was as if everything within Kira-kun had mobilized itself and had concentrated on some internal process that she was unable to locate and in order to ensure maximal success in dealing with whatever it was dealing with, the subconscious had turned off the brain cortex and even lowered to the absolute minimum everything that could stand in its way.

With one last glance to the monitoring machines that registered her patient's condition, she headed for the door to face the youngsters and to try to ease their worries.

* * *

The door of Kira's room opened and Erica Simmons went to the group of friends. They all turned to her, their faces full of hope. She however looked at two of them. 

"Yzak-kun, Athrun-kun, may I talk to you two first?"

The boys nodded and the others looked at them with surprise. Cagalli opened her mouth to protest, but Lacus' hand flew to her shoulder and stopped her.

* * *

When they were out of hearing Erica Simmons faced the boys and started "Neither of you has anything to do with your friend's condition." 

The boys looked at each other then at her waiting for her to continue. She noticed that they stood away from the other as if an invisible wall was keeping them apart. Obviously Yzak's confession had created a rift between them. She hoped that her words would help them find the way back to each other.

"Athrun-kun, Kira's physical state doesn't show any wounds or internal ruptures, only minor bruises that are normal in such cases, so the sexual intercourse you shared had not in any way induced his discomfort." The boy she talked to eased a bit but she saw his fists clenching at the words 'minor bruises', so she added a mental note to discuss with him the risks and physiology of the male/male coitus.

"Yzak-kun, just as I suspected, the drug you used didn't have any negative effect on your younger friend as well. First of all, the T1/2 (1) of the Pentoxin is less than 3 hours, so if the drug was the cause of the fever you described, its symptoms would have had manifested themselves when he and Athrun-kun woke up the first time early in the morning. Second, none of the tests we performed showed any indications of anti-bodies against the drug, which means that there was no reaction by the immune system that might have lead to the fever." Erica Simmons paused for a second then continued with the bad news. "This however is the good part of the news. The bad is that try as we might, so far we cannot determine what the cause is of the state Kira-kun is currently in."

Yzak's guilt diminished but the fact that no one knew what was wrong with Kira worried him further. He looked at Athrun hoping that the boy would forgive him now, but the other Coordinator seemed deep in thought. He wanted to talk to him, to clear things up, but obviously that would have to wait.

"Maybe we should return to the others and I'll explain more about Kira-kun's condition. I am afraid that Cagalli-san might jump on us anytime soon."

* * *

They went back to the three other youths and Erica Simmons went on to explain what they knew of her patient's state and how would they treat him. 

"Kira Yamato is in a state of hibernation." She explained what that meant exactly. "The tests we performed so far don't show any reason for his condition. The only thing that differs from the norm is the level of some hormones. However we believe that it is more probable that this had occurred as a result of what caused the hibernation and is not the reason for it itself. We estimated that Kira-kun's metabolic rate is about a quarter of the normal, so through the IV we will be giving him the corresponding amount of nutrients, minerals and water. I want to warn you in advance that he is connected to a lot of monitoring machines. Don't get frightened, that is to ensure max control of what is going on and to gather information."

"Hmm, Erica-san, do you think he would hear us if talked to him. Would it help or mess with his recovery?" Lacus wondered "Maybe we will wake him up if we talk to him and tell him how important he is to us and how much we miss him. I could even sing quietly his favourite songs."

"I wish I could tell you for certain but as I told you we are faced with something that has not been described till now, so we can only presume. I think however, that if you talk to him silently, that won't hurt him. But if you notice him reacting to something you say or do, try to remember what it was, since it is possible that the cause of his discomfort is shock or stress. The fact is that if there are no physiological reasons for his condition, then the reasons might be psychological. Come on, I'll let you all stay with him for a little, but then I'll allow no more than two at a time."

Athrun entered the room where Kira was and gasped in horror. He had seen Gundam cockpits and battleship bridges with less buttons and lamps. The boy in front of him was so fragile and pale between the white sheets and there were so many tubes and cables that connected him to the big and frightening machines that presided over the space that he looked like some alien. He came closer to the bed and carefully took his beloved's hand between his two. He turned to Erica Simmons for help. "I thought you said you were only feeding him and giving him water, why are there so many…" he lost words, so he just waved a hand towards everything around him "… of those… stuck in Kira? Is there more than you tell us? Is he going to be all right?"

The doctor sighed. "Athrun-kun, we are infusing nutrients and solutions but if you think reasonably you would remember that in his current state your friend can't use the rest-room, so we had to have this done via tubes and machines. And the monitoring system needs actual contact to the body to be able to register the processes within and it will alarm us if his condition alters even slightly so that we could react. You should know that in other cases all of them would have been beeping and flashing, since normally such vital signs would have indicated threat to life. We altered the software to adapt it to Kira-kun's specific condition."

The blue-haired boy nodded in comprehension. He understood, but still found it offending to see his loved one attached to the installations. He looked so small and lost between the electronic monsters.

Cagalli went on the other side of the bed and bent over her brother carefully removing his fringe from his forehead and planted a soft kiss there. "Wake up, Kira, don't give us the fright. Please… wake up…" Her soft voice was so untypical for the tomboy that she was. A single tear streamed down her cheek and she embraced Lacus looking for support. The two girls held each other and cried helplessly.

Dearka and Yzak stood at Kira's legs and stared at his pale and calm face. They wanted to do something. They were used to acting, but this time they had to wait. They had seen so many friends die during the war, but they had never thought that they might lose someone in the times of peace.

Everyone remained silent watching their friend but Erica Simmons urged them to exit the room. Athrun didn't move from his place beside Kira's bed. "I am not leaving him here alone." His voice left no room for argument.

"Ok" said the doctor, but I'll ask the others to leave and return later or just stay outside. If you go home, you have my word that I will call you if your friend's condition changes. They nodded and headed for the door leaving the green-eyed boy alone with his beloved.

Athrun scanned the room and noticed a small stool. He took it and sat beside the bed reaching for Kira's hand again. He needed to touch his skin. It was so cold and foreign, it felt so different from… was it only a few hours since they shared that beautiful moment together? The blue-haired Coordinator bent his head and his forehead rested on the bed next to his lover's shoulder.

Minutes started to roll by. They turned into hours. Athrun talked to Kira pouring his heart into words, hoping that each phrase might be the one that would stir his friend's mind and wake him up. He talked about his love, then about the guilt that plagued him during the war after each encounter between him and his childhood friend. He explained the confusion and denial he had gone through before he faced his feelings and admitted to himself that he was in love with a boy… with his oldest and closest friend… with Kira - and how terrible it had been that that had happened only _after _the fateful self-destruct of the Aegis which he had thought had caused Kira's death. How afraid he had been to believe in Lacus' word that his beloved was alive and what immense joy he had felt whan he saw the Freedom's movements at the battle at ORB since he recognized the style of his adversary and closest friend. Then he jumped to describing what had happened with him in the years they had been separated, including all kinds of stupid situations he had put himself in at the Academy.

He would only stop his tirade when one doctor or another entered to check Kira's condition. Cagalli, Lacus, Yzak and Dearka stopped by but they felt out of place and quickly left.

Athrun often checked his watch and unconsciously counted the minutes and hours since he had discovered his beloved was sick.

* * *

Erica Simmons felt helpless. None of her knowledge was of use. She had hoped that the hormones held the key to Kira-kun's condition, but now, only 8 hours after the first tests that had revealed the abnormal concentrations everything had returned to normal, or as normal as it could be since the boy was in hibernation. It proved to be a dead-end and she had no other clues to investigate. Obviously the hormones played some role during the phase of adaptation at the beginning of the hibernation, but through what mechanisms she could only guess. The boy was still in SEED-mode. She had never heard of someone remaining that long in SEED. Maybe the cortex was shut off to prevent sensorial overload… If she only knew… This was like a ball of threads but when she thought she had found a loose-end and pulled it to undo the mess she ended up with a short thread completely disconnected to the others… 

She entered her patient's room and saw that Athrun Zala had fallen asleep his hands holding one of his beloved's and his head on the bed.

She went out and gave an order for another bed to be moved in the room, since she was aware that the blue-haired boy wouldn't leave the hospital even at gunpoint. Then she shook him to wake him up and asked him to lie in the bed. He thanked her but didn't move and wouldn't let go of the other boy's hand. She gave up and just told him that the bed is for him.

* * *

Days passed and each one made the 5 young men and women lose hope that they will see their friend open his eyes and smile at them. Athrun spent every single minute by his beloved's side. He wouldn't sleep or eat normally and it was starting to show. There were dark shades around his eyes. He was getting passive and unconcerned with anything that didn't revolve around Kira. He wouldn't talk to anyone and when the others came to visit Kira he behaved as if there was no one around him. The other 4 youths were starting to get worried that he might break down. 

"He will wear himself to complete exhaustion." It was the morning of the fifth day of Kira's sleep and the four of them – Cagalli, Lacus, Yzak and Dearka – were sitting in the cafeteria at the ground level of the hospital commenting on Athrun's condition. The phrase came from Cagalli. "He's been in that room for almost 5 full days. He doesn't even go home or leave to take a stroll. If we don't force some food down his throat he won't even remember to eat. He is deprived of sleep, his voice is starting to go husk as a result of the constant talking and his aggression towards everyone is so not like him. I am getting really worried."

"It's because he feels guilt, I think" Yzak's words drew attention to him. He had been quiet for the last days and had stayed away from Athrun, but the girls didn't know the reason for that. It was surprising that he took the initiative and they listened to what he had to say. "He wanted to reveal his feelings to Kira and just as he was about to do it this happened. He can't stop himself from wondering if that message he wrote that evening had anything to do with his beloved's condition."

The platinum-haired boy paused and sipped from his tea then stood up and said "I'll go up, I need to talk to him. I'll try to force him to come to his senses." With this he turned and headed for the exit of the cafeteria.

Dearka followed him, took his hand and squeezed it slightly, offering his support and said in a low voice. "Knock him down if you have to. He needs a good shaking to get out of the depression that he had drowned in. I am afraid that if he is still in this condition and the worst happens to Kira he might do something stupid." Then he returned to the girls and Yzak took off to see Athrun.

* * *

**dream sequence**

_He stared at the maze. He knew that Kira was in there waiting for him to save him. He didn't hesitate to enter and started to move between the hedges. The strange plants were extremely high. When he looked up he didn't see their tops instead he saw the walls on both his sides meet high above. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that in the center of the maze Kira awaited him and he wouldn't disappoint him. He chose a turn and went ahead. _

_He was like Theseus but he had no thread to help him find the way back. And he knew – he didn't know how – that it wouldn't have helped him even if he had it. He felt the walls move and rearrange once he turned every corner. So he just continued walking. He didn't think in which direction he had to go, he knew that reaching the center was the easier part. The hardships would begin once he headed back._

_He walked and walked. He had no real idea how time worked in this place, so he didn't know how long he had been walking but he felt his legs hurting, then they started to go numb, yet he didn't stop. He knew that if he stopped, he would not be able to reach his goal, so he put one foot in front of the other and forced his aching body to endure each step. And then the next turn led him to a wide open space that didn't seem to be able to fit in the maze, not that anything here made any sense._

_And there, under a beautiful blooming tree was a crystal coffin reflecting the light that seemed to come from everywhere and in the same time from nowhere in particular. The reflected and diffracted rays exploded in a stunning rainbow that took his breath away. All his tiredness left him. Athrun felt that if he lifted his hands he would float like a bird. An overwhelming feeling of extreme happiness and joy filled his whole being and he knew it was because of the person that was inside of the crystal bed. _

_He approached it and looked inside. There he was. His Kira. His Sleeping Beauty. He took off the lid and bent to kiss the soft rose lips that haunted his dreams. He placed a tender kiss on them and then lifted his head in expectation._

_Nothing happened. He bent again and took the fragile figure in his hands then cradled it to his chest. Kira was as light as a feather. The beloved face was relaxed and glowed healthy and pretty. He held his precious load tighter and turned to enter the confusing maze once again._

_But as soon as he stepped away from the tree a wind appeared and started to blow in his face with such ferocity that he couldn't advance even a millimeter. The light changed. The soft sunlight got replaced by storm clouds that were so low that he could touch them if he stretched his hands up. _

_The blossoms of the tree flew in the air and where they touched his skin they left wounds as if their petals were sharp thin blades. The cuts weren't deep and didn't hurt a lot but he felt his blood dripping, He tried to protect Kira from harm but he couldn't. No matter what he did and how he turned the blossoms were everywhere and they went through the soft perfect skin and each cut they inflicted caused him pain. _

_He didn't fear for himself, but he was terrified that something might hurt Kira. If the brunet's wounds made him hurt, did that mean that Athrun's inflicted pain on the brunet?_

_He drew the boy closer and tried to slice through the wind. His advance seemed insignificant but he could see that the entrance of the maze was getting closer. _

_Then he reached it! A long and heavy exhale released the breath he was not aware that he had been holding._

_It was easier to walk now and he started to go trough the confusing corridors. And then the next one led him to another open space. This time it was a graveyard. He tried to turn and go back but there was a dead-end. He had no choice but to cross between the tombstones. _

_Athrun fixed his gaze on the single entrance of the maze on the other side of the long row of marble stones and started to walk down the isle between them not looking to his sides. But as soon as he passed the first grave a voice called his name._

"_Athrun, dear, won't you greet your mother?"_

_Athrun's froze and he turned around to see his mother sitting on a grave and the inscription read "Lenore Zala." _

"_Leave that and come to me. It's been so long." The blue-haired boy was in shock. The rational side of his brain knew his mother was dead, but his longing heart craved for the warm embrace of the tender hands. He took a step towards her but just before he reached her she pulled away and demanded "You leave that." _

_Athrun's arms instinctively held Kira's body closer and tighter. He took a hesitant step back. Then another. The beautiful face of his mother crooked in an expression of threat and evilness. Her hands that were now adorned with long and frightening claws reached for Kira and the blue-haired boy started to run._

_But he couldn't advance much. Now there were people sitting on every grave. Most faces were unfamiliar, but he felt that those faces belonged to the ones he had killed during the war. He was taken aback by the enormous amount of them. Had he killed that many? Then behind each of those unfamiliar men and women appeared other ghosts and he somehow knew those were the relatives left without a father, brother, son, mother, husband, beloved… His head started to spin._

_He tried to run but those he knew formed a circle around him and no matter which side he turned he faced a person he had killed or for whose death he somehow felt responsible._

_There was Nicol and Athrun could read the accusation in the brown eyes 'I died because of you'._

_Tolle was also present holding his head in his hands as red blood erupted from his open neck…_

_Then he faced Rusty…, Miguel…, Mwu La Fllaga…, Uzumi Nara Athha…, Siegel Clyne…, Raw Le Creuset…_

_His former Captain watched him with his blue eyes and Athrun felt them as if they bore a hole through his skull. _

_They all started talking at the same time…_

"…_Would you make the impossible possible, kid…?"_

"…_Where's the peace? Where's my daughter? Why have you left her for this…?"_

"…_Is this the world you dream of, Athrun Zala…?"_

"…_You should kill him or you'll end up dead…"(2)_

_Athrun closed his eyes in a vain attempt to shut off the voices but they wouldn't stop. He couldn't close his ears because that meant letting go of Kira and he knew that that was exactly what the ghosts wanted… He started walking, unaware in which direction. It didn't matter as long as it led him away from the voices and their owners…_

_But then the next voice made him open his eyes wide… It was his father's…_

"_You have been a disappointment. You chose that instead of the future of your kind…" Patric Zala's voice seemed to preside over everything. He raised his hand and the gun in it pointed to Kira. _

_If he was the target Athrun would have been less afraid. But it was Kira his father was aiming at…_

_He tried to turn around and break through the circle of ghosts but now every one of them held a pointed gun. And then all of them shot at the same time._

_Athrun closed his eyes awaiting the pain and his imminent death, but felt nothing. He opened them again and saw that only Kira was bleeding. Blood was coming out of his body from countless wounds… He knelt and carefully put him on the ground to treat his injuries, but the moment the body came in contact with the ground it dissolved…_

"_Kira! **KIRAAA**!"_

_Then his beloved appeared again, this time among the ghosts…_

_Athrun lost his mind. He had nothing more to live for. Now that his Kira was gone, his heart was dead too…_

_He reached and grabbed his father shaking him vigorously, shouting "It is your fault! It is all your fault! Give him back. You killed him!"_

**end of the dream sequence**

**

* * *

**

Yzak heard strange noises as he approached Kira's room and ran for it. As he opened the door what he saw stupefied him. Athrun was holding Kira by the shoulders and was shaking him with all his might. The needles of the IV's had slipped out of the brunet's veins and drops of blood and infusions flew around with each shake. The blue-eyed Coordinator went to his friend and tried to pull Athrun away from Kira, but the boy's grip was iron. Left with no choice he moved beside his enraged friend and hit him in the abdomen taking his breath away and thus succeeding to free the sick boy.

Athrun bent forward to relax his bruised muscles but his gaze locked on Yzak with hatred and feroucity. "You too! You want to kill him too! I won't forgive you!"

Only now did the platinum-haired youth notice his friend's eyes – those of a madman. They were glazed and fixed on something that was not in this world. He had lost it. Obviously his mind had left him. Yzak lifted his hand and before the other boy could react he slapped him hard across the face, then again.

Athrun's mind cleared and realization struck him as he saw the blood running down Kira's arms and staining the sheets. What had he done? What if he had killed the person he loved the most? He turned to Yzak and the wall that had kept them at bay ever since Kira's sudden illness crushed down. Tears of fright and worry gathered in the green eyes but before they spilled the machines monitoring his beloved's condition went off beeping and flashing, scaring both boys.

Seconds later a medical team led by Erica Simmons rushed in the room and started to check what had caused the alarm. A nurse hurdled the two stressed youths out of the room in the corridor where they were to wait for information on their friend's condition. Yzak noticing that Athrun was incapable to think, all his mind occupied with what was going on inside the room, took out his mobile phone and informed the other three what had just happened.

Dearka, Lacus and Cagalli came running only minutes later their faces etched with hope that they will finally see Kira open his eyes and yet some fear they what they dreaded was also a possibility.

The minutes felt like years, the sounds and shouts that were heard from the room made them jump nervously. They looked at each other seeking support and comfort.

Was this the end of their nightmare or was it the beginning of a new one?

* * *

A/N: (1) T1/2 – half-life – the time required for the amount of a drug to decrease by one half. Also used in nuclear physics for radioactive materials. 

(2) – I think it is obvious who says which phrase, but just in case, the lines belong to Mwu, Uzumi, Clyne and Raw in that order.

As always, thanks for the reviews, I appreciate any feedback.

* * *


	11. A Look Inside Yourself

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, some Dearka x Yzak in future chapters

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Gundam SEED or Destiny.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 15 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary:** Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try to get closer, the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter ELEVEN**

**A Look Inside Yourself**

"_Kira! **KIRAAA**!"_

Those words shook the warm welcoming world Kira was in.

It was a nice place. White and warm, but not white the way a hospital is – intimidating, hostile and cold. No, it was a place where one would be willing to stay forever. It was a place where love was everywhere, the calm unconditional love of a mother towards her child, and there was snow constantly falling from the sky, but the snow was not cold, no, it was soft and nice and it felt so right. And most of the time he had company. His friends would come to him to talk. They told him how much they loved him and how important he was for them. But then they all went on how he should be coming back to them, when it was them who would leave. That was strange, but he didn't mind a lot, since they would come back, they always came back.

And Athrun was with him almost all the time. And he would talk about how much he loved him, how he wanted to share his life with Kira. That was the best of all. Kira knew that here they could be together if they wanted to…

"_Kira! **KIRAAA**!"_

But those words shattered that peaceful world. The snowflakes that used to caress only moments ago would now sting. Only now did Kira notice he was naked. And his feet started to freeze. His hands embraced him to keep the warmth from going away, but to no avail.

"_It is your fault!"_

Kira recognized the voice. He would always recognize it. Athrun… But why was his friend telling him something was his fault. Had he wronged?

"_It is all your fault!"_

He wanted to ask what he had done wrong but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. All of a sudden he couldn't talk. He was freezing and he couldn't move at all. What was going on…?

"_Give him back."_

Kira wondered what had happened. Had someone died…? The desperation in the words could only be due to some dire situation… He had to help Athrun, he needed to move, but his soul was trapped in his unmoving body. He willed himself to move straining all his might, putting all his being into the effort to just make one single movement, yet nothing came of it…

" _You killed him!"_

The words hurt Kira but not as much as the tone itself. Only once had Athrun used it before. It stirred his memory…

**flashback**

"_**Omae wa Nicol…Nicol wo koroshita!**" (You… You killed Nicol!)_

…

"_**Ore ga… omae wo utsu!**" (I… will kill you!) The Aegis came flying towards him the beam-sword cutting his shield hand then ripping through the cockpit._

"_**ATHRUUUN!**"_

"_**KIRAAA!**"_

_The MS changed into MA-mode and trapped him then tried to fire its Scylla energy cannon but the power was not enough and the PS went down._

_Seconds later Kira saw Athrun leave the suit and it dawned to him… it would self-destruct…and it did… everything went off focus… the light was unbearable… then it was gone and his mind left him…_

**end of flashback**

Was Athrun still blaming him for Nicol's death. Maybe he was… He had not forgiven himself for killing the boy. But he had thought at least Athrun had forgiven him. He had never thought his friend would forget. Neither did he ask him to. Kira didn't forget Tolle either, yet he had stopped accusing the blue-haired Coordinator long ago. Obviously it was not the same with Athrun…

* * *

Athrun stood staring in the curtained window to the room where Kira might be fighting for his life that very moment. And all because of him… He had put him in danger. 

"_The fact is that if there are no physiological reasons for his condition, then the reasons might be psychological."_

Psychological…

"_But if you notice him reacting to something you say or do, try to remember what it was, since it is possible that the cause of his discomfort is shock or stress."_

Shock or stress…

The words echoed in Athrun's mind. Shock… Stress… It had been five days of waiting, of pleading, of hoping that Kira would open his eyes. That the lids covering the perfect transparent amethysts would lift and reveal the sparks he had seen the last time he had stared in those eyes. They had glowed with love, passion and pleasure. Now they were not even moving. He remembered that Erica-san had mentioned that Kira's sleep – they had agreed to call it sleep – was of non-REM (1) type. He was not dreaming, or if he dreamt it was so deep that his eye-reflexes were not involved.

The sweet memory of that night five days ago replayed in his mind.

**series of flashback**s

"_Mata… kimi wa… boku no yume no naka ni…" (Again… you… in my dream…)_

"_Anata ga hoshii…" (I want you…)_

"_Hontou wa kimi desu ka?"__ (Is it really you?)_

"_Chigau yo! (It's not that!) I… I am not sure what should I do, to give as much pleasure as you give me…" _

"_I want to see you."_

"_No, I can't take… It's so hot… Such heat… your lips… I want…"_

"_Are you ready, Kira?"_

"_H-hai. I am."_

"_One day I'll make you feel as good as you made me. I want to feel you too…"_

"_Suki da yo, Kira! Ima, kimi wa ore no da!" (I love you, Kira. Now you are mine.)_

"_Ai… Zutto ni…Ai…"_

**end of flashbacks**

Only now did Athrun notice the one thing he had missed so far. Not even once had Kira said his name during that night… Not even when he reached his peak… The only name that he ushered was Ai's…

Had Kira really been aware what had they shared? Did he realize it was him – Athrun – that was making love to him…?

"_No, I can't take… It's so hot… Such heat…"_

Were those words of passion or were they words born from the fever? And if it was the latter would Kira remember what had happened that fateful night? And if he didn't should he tell him or should he start anew pretending that it was all a dream?

"_It's so hot… Such heat…"_

Those words ripped him apart. Their meaning could signify the difference between a mutual enjoyment of the act of love they shared that night and a rape. Because if Kira was unaware of what he had been doing, if he had been feverish, there was no other word to describe what he had done to him…

Athrun's hands shuffled his hair and then clenched into fist pulling the strands. He had to know, yet he feared the truth… What if…?

* * *

Cagalli, Lacus, Yzak and Dearka watched Athrun as he walked around the corridor his fist clenching and unclenching, his face strained. They saw him pull his hair in desperation. 

"What happened with Kira? Why… I mean how… did this happen?" Lacus was curious what had caused the change in Kira's condition. This was the question they all wanted to know the answer to, yet Yzak kept silent. It was not him who had to answer to that one, so he ignored it as he did with all the other variations of it during the last – he checked his watch – had it only been 15 minutes since the machines went wild beeping and flashing scaring him out of his mind. He had no idea what was Athrun going through. He had to be blaming himself, afraid that he had hurt his beloved. The platinum-haired Coordinator looked at the person that was the center of his universe and wondered how he would feel if he lost Dearka. He would die inside. He knew it. He would continue to live, but he would be nothing but an empty shell… And that was what Athrun feared would happen to him.

Yzak was not one to show the depth of his feelings openly but now he wanted to touch Dearka, to feel his warmth, his presence… He went to him and without a word embraced him strongly and whispered in his ear. "I love you, Dearka, I love you! You know that, don't you?"

His lover and friend returned the embrace. He didn't need to ask why his had usually reserved lover had suddenly acted so out of character. He was afraid too. That what was now happening to Athrun might somehow come to strike them. So he held him tight and whispered back "I know. And I love you too. Never doubt that. Never!"

They stood like that for a second before they separated and acted as if that intimate moment had never occurred.

Lacus and Cagalli didn't comment. The pain was something that was tearing all of them apart.

* * *

Cagalli was tired of being strong. She needed to relax a bit. No one cared how she felt. Unlike the others she had to run all her usual errands as ORB's Representative, even if she had taken the week off. But since she was in the city she had to resume her duties. She had to make sure no one noticed her personal problems, her concerns, her fear. She loved Kira. It didn't matter that she had only known him for 2 years, she had grown to love him even before she had found out he was her twin-brother. And now he was there, in that room, probably fighting for his life… And neither her being the most influential person in the country, nor his Coordinatorship were of any help. What if he died…? 

And no one seemed to remember that they had an appointment they could not avoid and it was only a week from now…

* * *

Lacus watched everyone and wondered how Kira's "sleep" had affected them all. 

Yzak, who only joked about his feelings towards Dearka in the presence of other people, was now holding on to him as if afraid that he might disappear and so did the blonde.

Athrun who had been strong after the tragic losses of his mother, Nicol and even the betrayal and consequent murder of his father, had now almost fallen apart at the mere prospect of losing his beloved. She wondered why she had never seen how deep Athrun felt for Kira. Was she blind or was he really good at hiding his feelings. Did the brunet love him back? He had been so cold and indifferent after he had heard the blue-haired boy's message that fateful eve, yet she knew something must have happened later in the night, Athrun's actions indicated it. But what?

Cagalli – she was trying her best to juggle with her personal problems, ORB's management and looking as the calm and smiling princess that the press adored. They had all kept Kira's condition secret from the press, or things would have turned even worse. But it was actually Cagalli who met them every day and had to keep face. And Lacus didn't doubt for a second that Cagalli remembered about that damn ball the six of them were supposed to attend in 7 days.

She herself had forgotten but the boutique she usually bought her clothes from had sent her the dress she had chosen for the event with the corrections needed.

It was strange, but it was as if she was the only person who was sure Kira would be all right. She didn't know how or why she knew it, yet she did. But when she had tried to tell the others they had only assumed she was giving them and herself hope.

But she was sure of it. This was the thing that had made her and Kira think they loved each other, until they realized it was something deeper. They could feel the other, even if the word 'feel' was not entirely correct. This was not a connection and it was not constant, but sometimes it just came as awareness of the other. Like for example now. She knew Kira had been fine till only a few minutes ago, but something had happened – something only Athrun and Yzak knew – and that had changed the brunet's condition. But she couldn't say how. The moment his state altered she lost 'awareness', so she had to wait for Erica Simmons or till it came back.

* * *

Erica Simmons watched the monitors as she worked. The EEG had finally shown cortex activity but it was as frantic as if the boy in front of her was working on a hard problem. The basic metabolic rate had slowly started to return to its normal stats, but she now faced another problem. The sudden shock that had caused the "awakening" of the brain cortex now obviously alarmed the body of its temperature and Kira-kun was freezing and shivering. They had already started to infuse warm liquids and had used special blankets that prevented the body from losing warmth, but they had to tie the boy to the bed to ensure that he would not get the needles out of his veins. It had been a nightmare till they caught a vein with all the shivering and the constriction of the peripheral blood-vessels. 

She was still unaware of what was going on with the brunet. He was in SEED-mode even after all that time. It was amazing yet its meaning eluded her. And not only its… Everything about the boy had been a mystery from the very beginning… And it made her feel helpless and ignorant.

She looked at the boy again – tied, freezing, still sleeping. And there was nothing more she could do to help him. She left a nurse to keep an eye on him and went out to inform the five youths in the corridor about the development of their friend's condition and to ask what led to it.

* * *

"Sir, did you get the report from today?" the blonde asked when he entered in the apartment they used as headquarters. 

"Yes, I did." was the curt reply. Then he added in a low voice, "I guess they still have not found out…" He smiled to himself.

"Sir, there's change in his condition, he is going to wake up soon, or so did that Simmons woman tell those five." The blonde reported.

"OK," the man thought a little and added "then I want you to get me a blood-sample from him."

"But sir, why now, we could have done it more easily when he was in deeper hibernation" The black-haired boy tried to question the order, but his partner stopped him.

"Learn respect, Shinn!" hissed the blonde.

"Let him talk, Rey." said their superior. "Shinn, I know you are right, but what I need was not there three or four days ago. It might still not be there, for different reasons, but I can't afford to wait any more."

"Get me that blood-sample! And don't get noticed!"

* * *

**A/N:** (1) REM rapid eye movement – usually occurs when the person sleeping is dreaming. The sleep has a REM and non-REM phases. 

I included Shinn and Rey as you have found out. I suppose you got that even before when I described their hair colours some chapters ago. But I am definitely not including any Destiny plot in this fic. I might use some characters, just to get my revenge on them. It's not that I hate Shinn or Rey that much, but I am a bit unsatisfied with the way they were developed.

**Sovereign of Silence3, **this is not '_worse'_ for Kira and Athrun, it is merely '_bad'_, '_worse'_ is yet to come, trust me.

* * *


	12. Moments

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, some Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything of Gundam SEED or Destiny.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews will be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 15 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary:** Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try to get closer, the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter TWELVE**

**Moments**

Erica Simmons explained most things to them and finished with "He is out of hibernation, but now he is hypothermic and is shivering, so we had to tie him up. It's for his own safety in order to prevent him from getting the needles out of his veins." Athrun felt guilt as he remembered the blood streaming down Kira's hands because of his actions. "I think this is a good sign, since it indicates that his conscious has awaken and we may expect him to come to in a few hours, but he might be a little disorientated and blurry. That is normal, don't worry."

No one of the people in the small group of six paid any attention to the delivery boy with flowers in his hands covering a good portion of his face as he slowly passed by them and listened to their conversation.

* * *

Kira woke up but when he tried to open his eyes they were not willing to comply. He slowly started to lift his lids and the light almost blinded him. He closed his eyes again and tried to shift his pose as he felt a little stiff and uncomfortable, but to his surprise he found out he was tied to the bed he was in. His body seemed foreign and weird and it was as if he had quite a few of his receptors missing. It felt so wrong. 

His had hard time to concentrate and it was as if his thoughts floated in his mind as if in a big lake but each time he tried to catch one a vortex formed and his head would spin making him dizzy and sick. He tried to open his eyes once again but this time very slowly both to let them accommodate to the light and to be able to look at the place he was in without being noticed if there was someone watching him. The first thing that he realized was that he was in a hospital, but he had no idea what was the reason for that. He moved his head left and right and noticed Athrun sleeping on his left with head rested on the bed, but not touching him. Unconsciously he wanted to touch him and reached with his hand forgetting he was tied. The pull of the belts reminded him of it so for a brief time he just watched the boy he loved.

Athrun looked awful. His hair was disheveled, he had grown a few days beard and his face bore pale and unhealthy colour that even the rest couldn't hide. His eyes were surrounded by deep grayish-purple circles that showed he had not slept well lately. Kira opened his mouth to call his friend's name but the sound that escaped his lips made him flinch. It hurt to speak and what he heard was not his voice, but some incoherent growl.

Athrun jumped as soon as he heard the sound and his eyes worried and filled with hope flew to Kira's face. The shinning emerald met the transparent amethyst and a smile of relieve enlightened the face of the blue-haired Coordinator.

"Kira!" his voice was soft and a whole universe of meaning and caring filled that single word. "Kira…" Athrun seemed unable to say anything more, so he just repeated the name of the person that signified so much to him. His hands touched the beloved face and continued to smile happily.

"A..ath…run…" the brunet had to force his mouth and tongue to form the word and yet it sounded muffled. His mouth was dry and tasted of sand and wet wool. He opened it to try to say something more, but gave up the effort, it was too painful. He coughed to clear his throat but it only started to feel sore.

"Don't speak. It must hurt after all these days. Do you want some water?"

'_Days?'_ Kira's mind tried to process the information but his thought were still too hazy, so he left it for later. He nodded to the question and gratefully sucked through the straw the soothing liquid Athrun offered him. But he could only drink a few gulps.

"I'll call Erica-sensei and the others, Kira, they will be so happy you are back." His hand flew to a button behind the brunet's head, but the brunet's eyed still hurt so he didn't follow the action.

Soon he heard a door opening and turned his head so that he looked in that direction and saw Erica Simmons asking "Is something wrong, Athrun-kun?" she walked closer and gasped as she saw Kira awake.

"He woke up! It was past time. Kira-kun do you feel well? Just nod or shake your head, don't try to speak yet."

Kira didn't need to be told not to speak, he had found out for himself that he'd be better if he remained silent until his throat relaxed a little so he nodded slightly stating he was fine, even though he actually felt uneasy and the nod itself made his head split in two with pain. He pulled his hands and shook the belts that kept him tied to indicate that he wanted to be set free.

The doctor removed the restraints as she explained why they were needed in the first place. Kira listened but his mind was drifting, he was weary and soon he fell asleep again.

* * *

When he awoke once again he found himself surrounded by his closest friends all staring intently at him. He smiled welcomingly and attempted to speak but his success was not better than the last time he had tried so he gave up and just smiled at everyone, hoping that they will understand what he meant. 

Cagalli shouted at him "How could you do this to me? Do you know how worried I have been these last six days? Don't you ever do this to me again!" She bent to embrace him as tears of relief streamed down her face and she almost suffocated him. "It's so good to have you back, little brother" she whispered in his ear and planted a kiss on his forehead before she moved aside to let the others come closer and greet Kira with his come back to the world of the awaken.

"Good to have you around again." Dearka greeted him and patted him lightly on the shoulder.

"You know, if I knew you are so easy to strike down with a chili, I would have used it during the war. Then I would have been spent the humiliation of being defeated by a crybaby and weakling like you." Yzak teased him as always, but his face showed that he too had been concerned for his friend's condition.

"Kira-sama" Lacus said "I am so glad to see you well again."

Kira looked around himself, smiled at everyone and silently thanked the skies that he had been granted such good friends.

* * *

On the morning of the seventh day that Kira spent in the hospital he was finally allowed to stand but to his surprise his feet didn't support him as he was used them to. It was new to him, he was a Coordinator after all, and Coordinators were stronger, faster and healthier, yet he was weak and he didn't really like it. The one good thing about that was that Athrun offered his shoulder for support and Kira was able to touch and embrace him. He was not sure whether or not he should be happy that due to the exhaustion of his body he didn't get physically excited in his beloved's presence. 

But each time he felt the strong body pressed to his side the dreams came back to him.

He had never had such vivid dreams as those during the time he spent in hibernation. He wondered if they were due to the fever his friends had said he suffered or due to the hibernation, he still distantly remembered that he could hear some pieces of what he had been talked during his "sleep", but _that_ dream, was something different altogether.

_Athrun's hands on his naked body… his lips and tongue trailing maddening patterns of raw desire across his sensitized skin… His body pressed again Kira's… _

_Kira himself touching his lover, licking him and taking him in his mouth…_

And what had never before been part of his dreams…

_Athrun deep inside him making him burn from within with both pain and pleasure, sometimes those two mixed so intensely that it was hard to determine which was which…_

_His thrusts…_

_And the explosion of ultimate satisfaction…_

The brunet felt heat across his face and realized he had blushed.

"Kira are you all right? You look as if you are feverish again. Do you want to lie down?" Athrun's voice snapped him back from his daydream and the brunet blushed even harder. It was good that he had a perfect excuse for his pink cheeks.

"Huh, I am all right." His voice was still rough and his throat still hurt a little but he could talk and that was some progress already. "It is just I am a little tired I suppose." He hated lying but he had lied to Athrun so many times in the last months that one more lie didn't make any difference now.

The green-eyed boy carefully lifted him and carried him to the bed and Kira felt the muscles of his chest and abdomen move against his body. It was nice and reminded him of his dream once again. He wondered how would Athrun react if he knew what was going through his head right now. Would he be repulsed or would he be willing to help him turn those dreams into reality?

"Stay here, I'll go and ask Erica-san to check up on you. I'll be back in a minute." With that his beloved went to look for help and Kira was left alone with his thoughts.

"_Kira, I want you to know that I feel like you can touch my soul and I wish you'd let me touch yours."_

Those words flashed through Kira's head for millionth time and he was still not sure of their meaning. He was sorry now that he had reacted so inadequately that evening, but it was late now to change the things. Was that just a little jest, was it said as a friend to a friend or was it something more.

Ever since he woke up he had Athrun around but not for a second had the younger Coordinator showed any sign of a feeling that went deeper than friendship. He had found out that the other boy had not left his sickbed during the 6 days of his sleep, but that is something a best friend would do as well. It didn't certainly mean love as in the type of love Kira felt for Athrun.

* * *

The door opened and Erica Simmons entered the room. Kira let go of his fantasies and concentrated on proving he was _Healed_, so that he would be let out of the hospital. 

And indeed after the examination the doctor stated that there was nothing more to worry about and that he would be discharged from the hospital on the following morning.

"Erica-san, can't I leave in the afternoon, please. I promise I'll stay in bed at home, but, don't get offended, I really want to leave this place as soon as possible." Kira made a pleading grin and placed his hands as if for a prayer.

Erica Simmons smiled at him and nodded in agreement but said. "OK, I'll discharge you sooner, but I want you to promise me that you'll remain in bed for at least two more days and" she turned to Athrun "it would be better if someone stood by him until he is fully capable to take care for himself."

"Ok" the blue-haired boy nodded "I promise to watch over him."

"Fine then I'll inform Cagalli-san that we'll discharge her brother in 5 hours, but you Kira-kun are to lie till then. If I see you walking I'll keep you here one more day. Understood?"

Kira nodded his agreement and obediently lied in the bed, where to his surprise he quickly fell asleep once again.

* * *

The man stared at the results in front of him and cursed under his breath. Nothing, still nothing. He was a patient one, but after so many years of waiting to see whether or not his experiment had been successful and being only a step away from the possible success, his patience suddenly disappeared. 

Oh, it was here, the thing he was interested in, but unfortunately, but the quantities were not sufficient enough to be used as conclusive evidence. He would have to wait more. He stared at the computer screen with intensity as if his will could change the objective results.

He cursed again. He would be unable to obtain his blood in the near future, unless he was willing to take unnecessary risk, and he was not that stupid. It might take them months to find out what was wrong with the boy.

And he had no choice but to wait patiently and hope…

* * *

Kira was glad to return to his home and it was good to have everyone around. But as soon as he entered he heard Cagalli's comment, that was probably not meant to be heard by him, but yet it was. 

"She never came to see how he was fairing." Her spiteful tone made Yzak jiggle and Lacus wrinkled her nose in disapproval of such an impolite statement.

"It's not fair of you Cagalli, you don't know the girl," interrupted her Lacus.

"Yet Cagalli is right" Athrun intervened "she didn't come to see her boyfriend during his stay at the hospital."

For some reason Kira couldn't keep himself from stepping in the conversation even if he was not included in the dialogue. "Now, and did any of you think of contacting her? She thought I was on a trip, how was she to know that something had gone wrong if it was not publicly announced and none you told her." Kira had no idea why was he saying all that, he even wanted to stop himself from talking but the words kept spilling. "So, did anyone tell her?"

Lacus and Athrun actually looked guilty but the other three remained unaffected by his words. His sister stared at him and a bit too politely asked "Now, Kira, how are we to contact someone we know nothing about, besides what you have decided to share with us of course, a person we never met, we know not where she lives or what her phone number is?" She stared at Kira and he felt himself blushing under her glare. "Tell me, little brother, how were we to find that example of perfection you talked about and never presented to us?"

"Huh…, hummm…, well did you think of looking into my contacts in the computer or into the memorized numbers on my phone?" Kira hoped they didn't since there was nothing such in any of those places.

"Well…," it was Cagalli's time to look uneasy "uh, no, I suppose we didn't, but you can call her now."

Kira desperately thought of a way out, why had he started this in the first place?

"No. I am going to be fine in a few days, so there is no point in having her worry over something that is about to be over soon. I'll call her once my voice recovers." He hoped that was a good excuse, but there was some spark in Yzak's eyes that Kira didn't quite like or understand. If could be something completely unrelated to the current situation, but it still intimidated him. "I am going to bed, or you might report me to Erica-sensei and get me into that hospital again." The thought of spending more time doing nothing but lying on his back made him flinch inwardly, but that would be most likely to get him off the hook, or he might slip and reveal his secrets. "Would you be willing to keep me company? We might play some game… like strip poker."

"No strip poker!" Yzak shouted.

"Now why Yzak, you look good with nothing but your boxers on" Cagalli teased and Lacus jiggled. The boys also laughed. Yzak went fiercely pink with embarrassment remembering how the last time everyone had teemed against him and he ended naked in no time. Cagalli decided to rub in some more "What's more, now I know you are not that bad without them either." It was the first time the Natural didn't blush remembering what she had witnessed in the morning before the trip. She praised herself for finally behaving normally.

That was the straw that had the blue-eyed boy exclaim "That's it, I agree and I am having you stay clad only in you lacy underwear, that is if a tomboy like you wears such outfit."

"Well then, we'll play strip poker. But, Yzak, don't get overly enthusiastic or optimistic, so far the only person who's proved to be better than me in poker is Athrun. I say it is a good thing it's not him who wants to see me in my panties, lacy or not."

"Well, Cagalli, when it is for a noble cause I am always willing to help." The best poker-player said.

Dearka laughed loud at the smitten face of the ORB princess as they all headed to Kira's bedroom, where the brunet lied down on the bed and the others sat on and around it and started to play.

As always it turned more into a game of tricking and cheating, rather than actually playing and everyone shouted at everyone, bluffs succeeded and failed and soon Cagalli was indeed left in only her T-shirt – she was grateful she had dressed casually and this shirt was rather long so it covered enough, but the next loss would leave her exposed, just as Yzak wanted her – and Yzak was in his trousers, also one step from losing. The others were pretty safe since they had teamed in order to get Yzak and Cagalli lose.

Unfortunately they didn't get to play the last game since Mana called.

"Cagalli-sama, I have to inform you that you have a meeting early in the morning, and besides you have to get you luggage ready. You'll have to leave for PLANT in the morning two and a half days from now."

Once Mana disconnected Kira commented. "I had forgotten about the ball, but I doubt that Erica-sensei would let me go."

"I'll stay with you, I promised to her." Athrun added instantly, but the brunet shook his head in refusal.

"You know that all of you have to go. And especially you, Athrun. Considering what your father did, and how you – a high-ranked ZAFT military officer – changed sides during the war, your absence at the ball that celebrates the end of the peace talks would be most inappropriate." The green-eyed Coordinator opened his mouth to protest but shut it as Kira continued. "And you are Cagalli's bodyguard too, I trust you to keep her out of trouble. Cags has to go because she is the Head Representative of ORB, Lacus is the pink-haired princess of PLANT, who promoted peace even during the most dire moments of the war. Her face is a symbol over there. Yzak and Dearka had parents in the Council and are famous heroes from the battle at Yakin Due. If you think about it, I am the only person who is not needed there, I was invited simply because Chairman Canaver knows I am the pilot of Strike and Freedom and that I am the newly-found brother of the Princess of ORB. But there are only few people who know that and they are not going to spread it around, so my absence won't be of such importance."

As much as all of the others wanted to say something in contradiction, they were all aware that Kira was right. They had to go and that was it.

"Kira is right" Dearka said.

"And it's not the ball that is important, that is only the obvious part, the one that is used to attract the attention. The conference that is to be held a week later is what is more important and all of you have to take part in it. The peace is still far too fragile and we paid a great price for it." Everyone remained silent as they remembered the people they had lost in the war and the countless people they had killed. "We have to make sure it lasts. Whatever we can do to keep it, we should. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. You'll be there for no more than two weeks and when you come back I'll be already well and we might even go back to the island and have the vacation my sickness ruined."

They all agreed. That was important and Kira did have a point. The peace was still fragile and they couldn't take chances.

* * *

On PLANT Athrun felt restless. After spending ten days with Kira, for the last week he was missing the presence of his beloved, but what he missed most was the feeling of Kira next to him. He had tasted what it was like to love him and now his body would crave that pleasure all the time. He was addicted… 

After Kira had awoken from his "sleep" he had become his old self from before Ai but he showed no signs that he remembered what they had shared that fateful night and Athrun just couldn't find an appropriate moment to talk about that. Plus he admitted in front of himself that he was afraid. What if the brunet had not been aware of his actions and got repulsed by their lovemaking. Or if he didn't believe it to be the true, or acted cold as had happened with the message. Or what if he came to the conclusion that it was Athrun's fault for Kira's hibernation… Athrun's mind went on and on with possible scenarios but neither of those got him closer to his beloved.

The ball had passed fine and the conference that had just begun was going on as planned but his mind was not really concentrated on anything other than Kira. What was he doing? Was he with that unsuitable and always absent girlfriend of his? Had he recovered completely? They had been able to talk on the phone only twice in the presence of the others and for a short moment, and that was not nearly enough for the blue-haired Coordinator.

* * *

In ORB Kira stared in the mirror in front of him. It was the third consecutive morning that he ended throwing up. And this time he had not even had breakfast, yet his empty stomach tried to reject what was not even inside of it. And that was not all. For the last two weeks he had started to feel more and more awkward. He was sleepy all the time and he had started to feel sick quite often after he ate something or even at the smell of some foods. He had just decided he had recovered from his peculiar illness and now he was down with some stupid flu or was having an upset stomach. Obviously his immune system had weakened during the hibernation and that was the result. 

He didn't like what he had to do, but it had to be done. He would be going to Erica Simmons for an examination or he would end dragged up to one as soon as Cagalli and Lacus came back from PLANT which was most probably going to happen in two or three days.

He sighed and decided that if there was no other alternative then he could get this over with as soon as possible. He called Erica-sensei to make an appointment. It turned out she could receive him in only an hour, so he started to get dressed and went out.

* * *

It happened on the last day of the conference. The news broke a day after Kira went to the doctor. There had been a sudden attack of the Blue Cosmos up on the PLANT and there were casualties – not among the attendants of the conference, but among the service personnel. All the victims had turned out to be Coordinators which only proved that the peace they all craved was still not as stable as they wished. 

Kira found out because of Cagalli who called to tell him what had happened before he heard it on the news and to inform him that the five of them had no choice under the circumstances but to stay on PLANT and to show that ORB was absolutely against such terrorist actions.

Once it hit the media it became a huge scandal that threatened to ruin all their efforts. There were those among the Coordinators who demanded revenge and there were people among the Naturals that wouldn't hide their satisfaction that some of those offending to the nature Coordinators were wiped off.

The world was balancing on the edge of destruction once again. Would it be possible to stop it from going down and crushing the fragile peace so many had died for?

* * *

Erica Simmons thought that she had seen if not everything than at least enough and considered it pretty much impossible to get shocked by a diagnosis. Yet there it was in front of her. Kira-kun had succeeded shocking her twice in less than a month. First was that weird hibernation that might prove connected to what she saw now. And _this_! 

There was no doubt whatsoever. She stared at the complete chemical analysis of the blood she had requested, the MRI Magnetic Resonant Imaging and the ultrasound results. They all showed the same. But how was that possible…

* * *

**A/N: **As you see Dullindal is not Chairman of PLANT. I chose Eileen Canaver to be the next Chairman (or should it be Chairwoman ) after Patric Zala as she fits better in my fic. And I want to state once again that even if I am using some characters from GSD, they will most likely be out of character to fit this story and there will be no GSD plot at all. 

Thanks for the reviews. :-)

**Sovereign of Silence3**, as you have just read, Kira did wake up, but he remembers nothing, so he has no reason to confess his feelings to Athrun. And if anyone wonders about Kira's butt, well after 6 days he is no longer sore, so no clues here.

* * *


	13. Startling News

**Pairings: **Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gundam SEED / Destiny. If I only did… Cagalli and Lacus would have been lonely, while Kira and Athrun would have eyes only for each other.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments: **This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews would be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 16 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary: **Kira loves Athrun and Athrun lovesKira, but eachof them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try to get closer, the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Startling News**

Kira took the dishes and set them on table. Everything was almost ready, but he had too much time at hand and he just needed to do something to keep his mind occupied and away from the thoughts that had plagued him for almost the entire day. Or rather the last ten days. Though, today they had grown grimmer and more disturbing.

Ten days had passed since he had gone to Erica Simmons to tell her about his strange fatigue. She had taken a sample of his blood for analysis and had told him that it would take more time, since she had to run some more complex tests. He had accepted that and waited. The sickness he had each morning continued and he was sleepy and tired most of the time so he had been doing practically nothing, but he had thought he had just caught some virus or something like that. But then this morning she had called to ask him to visit the hospital for some additional examinations. She was alone when running them and told him nothing after they had ended.

Kira grew worried. He might not be a doctor, but even he knew that the MRI and the ultrasound results came immediately onscreen. Yet all he got was _'Kira-kun, do you mind if we have a dinner together, at your place for example?'_ He had agreed. That had been more of a demand than a request. Besides he needed to know what was wrong with him. And he was confident something was wrong. If things had been fine, Erica Simmons would have told him so immediately. The fact that she wanted to talk to him in private meant something was not as it should have been, and most probably that something was far too serious or sensitive to discuss at a public place.

The doorbell rang and he went to open the door expecting to see the doctor, but instead it was the delivery from the restaurant. He had decided to order food for a few reasons. First, he was not in the mood to cook, second, his cooking skills left room for improvement and were likely to upset his stomach which seemed to have become quite picky lately and third, it was just easier.

He thanked the delivery boy, gave him a tip and brought the meals to the serving table behind the dining one.

He threw a last look around. Everything seemed fine. He rearranged the flowers just to occupy his hands and ended up ruining the fine composition that the florists from the nearby shop had created. He sighed and sat in expectation.

* * *

Erica Simmons stood at the door and thought for millionth time how she should present the news. She had gone through a few hundred different scenarios, but it was just impossible to predict how Kira-kun would react to her announcement. And for some reason she was suspecting that his reaction might not even be among those she had imagined. 

She looked at the file folder and the disks she had with her. She gritted them tighter and pressed the button of the doorbell.

* * *

Kira greeted his guest and led her to the living room. He walked to the small bar with alcohol and offered "Would you like a cocktail before the meal?" 

Erica Simmons shook her head. "No, thank you, but I'd accept tea if you would offer. I would suggest you refrain from drinking as well."

"I was not going to. I doubt my stomach would approve of it." Kira went to the kitchen and prepared tea, then served it to his guest. He motioned to the woman to take a seat and sat across her. He opened his mouth to start asking questions but she interrupted him.

"Kira-kun, I realize this is a weird question, but do you have information about your birth. I mean, was there something different or unusual about it?"

The brunet stared at her with emotionless face. Raw le Creuset's words came back to him

**flashback**

"_Kira-kun this is your birthplace… You should know this place… The adults you cal 'Mother' and 'Father' are not your real parents… I always thought that they died. Those twins, especially you. Along with your creator, Dr. Hibiki; after all, he was the biggest threat to the Blue Cosmos at that time. Yet you survived, grew and continued to live amidst the flames of war"_

"_Wh…what are you saying I am? What are you trying to say?"_

"_You are the dream of humanity. The Ultimate Coordinator. Dr Hibiki's artificial womb was built because of that dream. You are the only child that was successfully created by it. You are his son and exist thanks to the countless sacrifices of your siblings."_

**end of flashback**

Those words hurt him now as much as they did the first time he heard them. He shook his head both to clear his mind from the memories and to answer the question he was asked. He had lied so many times lately, that this lie just wouldn't make any difference. "No, I don't know anything to have been strange or different about my birth. Why?"

"Because that would explain the discoveries I made about you." She looked at him with a serious face and placed a file and two disks on the small coffee table beside her. "Kira-kun, may I use your computer, please. I brought some materials I wanted to show you. That would make it easier for you to understand what I am about to tell you."

Kira went to bring his laptop while wondering what had disturbed the doctor so much. Had she somehow found about the Ultimate Coordinator thing? No, that couldn't be! Maybe there was something else? Was he dying of some rare disease?

He placed the computer by her and she put one of the data disks in the slot. "Can you connect the computer to the big vidphone screen on the wall, please?" Kira did what he was asked and stared at the graphics that appeared.

"Kira-kun, you remember that I told you that we could not explain what had happened with you."

He nodded absentmindedly staring at the screen. "Un." There were chemical formulas, that he vaguely remembered by his courses in biochemistry. He had taken those after Athrun had left for PLANT, just to take his mind off the loss of his best friend. Yet there beside the ones he though he recognized were others that were slightly different. There were some marks on the comparative differences of the compounds.

"When Athrun-kun found that something is wrong with you, you had fever. And Lacus-san noticed that you had gone SEED. They contacted me and I told them to bring you here. But by the time you were transported to Onogoro, you were already in hibernation. We ran many tests in attempts to determine what was going on, but most of them showed no indications that would explain your condition. The one lead we thought we had was the weird hormone levels we registered in the first blood-sample we got from you. However, in the next 8 hours we followed the changes in the levels of all hormones and saw them returning to normal. That left us completely clueless. You were still in SEED-mode and remained so for the next five days. We could do nothing but infuse solutions and nutrients and wait. You woke up and it was as if nothing had happened. I continued to follow your state even after you were discharged from the hospital but you seemed to be fine. Then you came to me with those weird symptoms, that didn't make any sense in your case…"

"In my case…? What do you mean that in somebody else's case they would've made sense?" Kira didn't understand where this was heading.

"Well, you can say so. I will explain." She nodded towards the screen. "Here is why I asked about your birth. This time, I decided to do something that is not normally done, but since in your case there was nothing normal anymore, I went for it. I ran your blood through a machine that determines the exact chemical structure of each compound in a liquid or a hard object. It takes a lot of time of course. The results I received left me speechless. There were all those 'elements' that were very much like hormones, yet not exactly the same. You can see on the screen. On the left are the normal hormones – the ones everyone has, you, me, Coordinators and Naturals alike – on the right side are the 'elements' that were additionally discovered in your blood. As you see, the differences are ever so slight. A methyl group here, a sulfonic one there. But that changes everything. I made experiments to find out if they would act like hormones, but they didn't show any activity in vitro or in vivo. They were all harmless, but they didn't induce any reaction in the body of the test animals."

She paused and took a sip from her tea before she continued. "I assumed that they should have something to do with some specific changes in you organism, and as far as I could suppose, those changes were highly unlikely to have mutated spontaneously out of nowhere, which lead me to the suspicion – I am sorry if it offends or hurts you – that you were experimented on. Probably even before you were implanted in your mother's body as a zygote."

Kira sighed. So it had come out! He didn't interrupt the explanation, but he felt that he would probably be forced to admit some facts about his creation as things went on.

"The things I was most curious though were two" Erica Simmons continued to explain. "First, you seem to have double endocrine system, because you have both the 'normal' and the 'altered' hormones. Which means, that whoever created you, had done enormous work to synchronize both systems and yet prevent them from contradicting or competing with each other. It is a miracle that it actually worked. Not only because of the enormity of the task, but also because as you know the mother's body effects the development of the fetus and might lead to changes. And in this particular case each change could have meant miscarriage."

"_You are the dream of humanity. The Ultimate Coordinator. Dr Hibiki's **artificial** womb was built because of that dream. You are the only child that was successfully created by it. You are his son and exist thanks to the countless **sacrifices** of your siblings."_

Kira had never believed that this would come back to haunt him in such a way. What had his father been? What kind of a monster would do such experiments to his own children? Was this the reason why so many of his siblings had not been born? He humped under the weight of his guilt and pain and buried his face in his palms. What was he?

"_You are the dream of humanity. The Ultimate Coordinator._ The voice of Creuset answered his silent question. He didn't want to listen to that voice.

"Kira-kun, daijobu desu ka?" (Kira-kun, are you all right?) Erica Simmons reached and touched his hands. "I am sorry. I can only suppose how hard this must be for you. But I just don't know how to make it easier."

"Iie, goshimpainai. Daijobu da." (No, don't worry. I'm fine.) He chased away the ghost that threatened his composure. "Please, continue. I need to know. I have to!"

The woman looked at the boy in front of her. What was going on in his soul? She could only guess. She just continued her explanation. "The second thing that really surprised me was the highly excessive presence of a hormone, its name is hCG (1) – human Choriongonadotropin – that is rather rarely found and in very specific situations." hCG? Kira remembered that one well. They had all commented a lot when they had been studying it. That hormone was the one that was used to identify pregnancy and men had it if there was some cancerous formation in their testicles. Did he, a Coordinator, have cancer? He tried to concentrate and listen to Erica-sensei's explanations. "That was the reason why I asked you to come in the morning and examined you further. The MRI and the ultrasound just confirmed the weird suspicion I had after the results from the blood and the symptoms you described." Erica Simmons paused searching for words. How exactly do you present such news to a boy? "I thought for hours, how I should tell you this and yet I couldn't find a way to make it easier…"

"What is it?" Kira couldn't wait more to know the truth. It didn't matter how hard it was. It didn't matter if he was told he was dying. He just needed to know. "Tell me. I have to know! I need to!"

She sighed and looked at her interlaced hands. Then she lifted her gaze and stared straight at the boy in front of her as she said the words that he wanted to hear.

"Kira-kun, you are pregnant." She didn't say more. What more could she say…

The brunet stared at her in utter shock. He understood the meaning of each word, yet the sentence just didn't make any sense to him. Women got pregnant. Women! He was a guy!

"Erica-sensei, I am a boy, you know." He felt stupid for stating the obvious. He would have laughed at the weird statement, had it not been for the serious face the doctor had. She just didn't look as if she was joking. "Boys don't get pregnant!" His voice lost its confidence with every word.

The woman just watched him and quietly repeated "Kira-kun, you are pregnant." Then she just sat there and waited for the fact to settle in his mind.

Kira couldn't move. Even thinking presented a problem. The word 'pregnant' stirred his mind. He looked at the doctor. Her calm face told him she was not lying. She did believe her words. And if she, a doctor, someone who was perfectly aware that men didn't give birth to children, believed it, there had to be a reason. But how come… He remembered about the presence of the hCG…, was it possible…?

"Explain, please." He heard the begging and desperation in his own voice. "I don't understand. I am a boy! Boys don't get pregnant!" He knew he sounded pathetic but he didn't care. He just wanted to be told that what he had heart was a joke, a jest… anything but the truth. It would have been easier if he was told that he was dying. At least that was something that happened to both men and women alike.

Erica Simmons changed the disk and a new image shone on the screen. It was an anatomic picture of the insides of the abdominal and pelvic cavities. They were shown in frontal and side cuts.

"The pictures you see show how the organs are situated in the abdomen and pelvic. This…" she gestured towards the screen "…is what they look like in men." She changed the image "this is what they look like in women. In your case however…" the image changed once again "…this is what the ultrasound and the MRI show." The difference was marked in red and he couldn't miss it. Where other men had only bladder and intestines, he had what looked a lot like… uterus. He reached for the keyboard and returned the previous image. Then he moved to his own organs once again. He couldn't deny that it did look like uterus.

Erica Simmons took some papers and handed them to him silently. Kira took them and saw that his hands were trembling. He looked at the pictures. He didn't really understand most of them, but they looked like the ultrasound pictures pregnant women received on the TV shows. He stared at them and his mind continued to fight with the idea of him being pregnant. Yet he had been presented enough evidences. He couldn't hide from the truth. He was a freak. An experiment of the sick mind of his own biological father.

His hands reached for his abdomen. It didn't feel any different than it did yesterday or a month ago, or a year ago. Yet now he knew it was different in a way. There was a little life there. A baby.

And then the realization hit him. If he was pregnant, then… that dream… had not been a dream. He had made love with Athrun. All those wonderful things that he had considered a beautiful dream had been real… A smile formed on his lips as his hands caressed his abdomen. There was a life that was part of both of them… their baby. A connection that no one could ruin…

Kira was torn. On one side was the fact that he was a freak, an experiment, but on the other… that same experiment had given him something he had never considered possible. He would have a baby, a child that was his and his beloved's. A little bond that would create a connection between them that no one could ruin.

Erica Simmons watched the series of expressions that crossed Kira's face. She knew the moment when he accepted the news and was happy to see the smile that enlightened his features. The worst part was over.

He felt the stupid smile on his face and tried to calm down. It was not the time to think of such things. He was not alone and besides there were a lot of things that he needed to ask and find the answers to.

"Erica-sensei, but how is it possible that I never knew about it? How is it possible for my body to act as a normal male body would if I have female organs? And how am I going to give birth?" the questions started popping in his head one after another, not following any logic or pattern.

"I have suspicions about the answer to your first question. You see it is all because of the double endocrine system. The 'normal' part of it takes care for everything that is connected to the male part of you, and I would assume that the 'altered' part controls the female one. That also explains the weird hormonal level when you conceived. The 'male' part of your endocrine system also reacted, but when later the 'female' one took over the process, it stepped out and that is why the 'normal' hormones, which were the only ones our system could register, returned to normal. And I guess that the hibernation was needed in order for your organism to adapt to the eminent changes that it was going through. By slowing all processes it had more rime to get used to being pregnant. However I would dare predict that practically every cell in your body has been altered so that it would be able to recognize the 'altered' hormones. You see, some hormones don't affect the cell directly, they use receptors on the cell membrane." She changed the disks once again and projected the image that illustrated her words.

Kira remembered the things he had studied not that long ago, though now it felt as if ages had passed since then. "Yes, I remember that from school."

"So I guess you have extra receptors on you cell membranes and even other subcellular changes. I can't be sure unless I take some tissue samples from you, but I am not sure I want to go that deep, unless it is really necessary." She looked at the brunet. Once he had accepted the stunning news he had returned to his usual shy and reserved self. He was listening and absorbing everything, yet he didn't let his thoughts show. "Kira-kun, that reminds me, have you ever had some kind of rectal bleeding that you would now describe as menstrual bleeding?"

Kira didn't need to think about it. That was hardly something one could miss about oneself. "No, I understand the idea of your question, and even though I don't actually know what the menstrual bleeding exactly is like, I am confident I've never had it." He considered it. If he had an uterus and he was able to conceive, how come he had never had cycles? "How is that possible?"

"I don't know, Kira-kun. There are a lot of things I don't really know about you as it turns out. I will try to find out though. About your other question, I'd say will have to give birth via caesarian section. But there is a lot of time before it comes to that. What is important at the moment is for you to decide whether or not you want to bear the pregnancy or to interrupt it."

Kira jumped at the suggestion of aborting his baby. He didn't even consider the possibility. That was a miracle and he would never kill his own flesh and blood. "Of course I am keeping the baby! How could you even presume I'll abort it?"

"I didn't presume anything Kira-kun. I was just stating the two possibilities in front of you. After all, considering that male pregnancies are not a common occurrence you'll have to either hide the fact that you are going to become a parent in such an unusual way or be ready for a lot of strange questions and unwanted publicity. And that would definitely stir the Blue Cosmos as well. So you need to be very careful. You'll have to find a way to tell you friends, your sister, the father, or should I say 'the other father', of the baby." Erica Simmons knew that the boy had had too much for one day and she got up to leave. He needed to think about a lot of things now. "I think that it would be better if you think about everything carefully before you make any decisions or take actions. I'll leave you the information I brought, you can learn something more about your condition. We'll talk again after you have considered everything." With that the woman left.

* * *

Kira was lying on his back in his bed, staring in the dark. He couldn't fall asleep. The thought of his pregnancy kept nagging him. He remembered the last things Erica Simmons had told him. That he would need to tell his friends and especially Athrun. But how would they react? They were neither doctors as Erica-sensei nor did they know about the Ultimate Coordinator project. And he had never meant to tell them. 

And the Blue Cosmos… He knew what they were capable of. The lights of the nuclear explosions after he and Athrun had destroyed all those missiles in order to prevent the destruction of the PLANTs still blinded him. They had struck again only a few days back, which was the reason why his sister and beloved had extended their visit. What if they killed his unborn child? His hands rested on his abdomen and the thought made him clench them in fists. He would never let anything happen to his baby. He had no desire to take human life but he wouldn't hesitate to do so if his baby was in danger.

And would Athrun accept him with all those weird manipulations that were likely to repel even a Coordinator?

And what about his Natural sister?

And wouldn't Dearka and Yzak feel jealous that he and Athrun would have a child while they were denied that wonder?

He needed to think. He needed time. The other five were coming back on the following day, but he couldn't face them. Not now with so many things going on in his mind. He wouldn't be able to hide that he was troubled. And he was not ready to explain what the reason for that was. He just needed a few days to think. To clear his mind and decide what he should do. But if he remained where he was they would come to him even if he didn't go to them. He needed a place where he could be alone and think. And he remembered that there was such place… But he would need to consult Erica-sensei first. He wouldn't risk doing something that might hurt his baby. That was right he would go to her early in the morning and if she said that he could go, he would leave and visit Malchio-san's cottage on the island…

* * *

**A/N:** (1) **hCG** – all pregnancy tests are based on registering the presence of that hormone. 

Ok, here was the promised earlier explanation about Kira's ability to have children. I might have gotten a little carried away with the specific differences about his biochemistry and anatomy. If there's something that I didn't explain well just ask and I'll try to make it better. There is some additional info on my profile page (I'll try to write it till tomorrow if I don't make it tonight). I know the information is not enough, but that is all Erica Simmons knows so far. There's another person who knows everything, but that one will reveal his information later.

As always, thank you for your reviews, and **Reader**, as you see Kira is indeed pregnant (so far, I am yet to decide whether he will bear a healthy baby, or have a miscarriage). **Sovereign of Silince3**, I am sorry that I might disappoint you, but the Blue Cosmos attack is more of a plot devise to delay the gang's return to ORB. And about the updates, I am updating every other day because I have 16 chapters written. Once I come to the point when I am over with the chapters I have ready, you'll have to wait. I take about 10-15 days per chapter.

* * *


	14. Crossroads

**Pairings: **Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gundam SEED / Destiny. If I only did… Cagalli and Lacus would have been lonely, while Kira and Athrun would have had eyes only for each other.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments: **This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews would be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 16 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary: **Kira loves Athrun and Athrun lovesKira, but eachof them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try to get closer, the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter FOURTEEN**

**Crossroads**

"Here, sir. These are the results of the latest blood-test of Kira Yamato. They do seem rather strange, if you wouldn't mind my comment." The blonde boy – Rey – placed a file on the desk behind which sat his superior – a tall raven-haired man with piercing orange eyes. The man took the folder and opened it to examine its content. "The woman – Erica Simmons – did some other examinations on the object," continued the other boy, the one with black hair and red eyes – Shinn – "but unfortunately, we were unable to obtain them, since she was the only person present when those examinations took place, aside from the patient, of course, and as it turned out later, she had deleted all data from the hospital database, meaning that she has the only copies of the results. So far we had no success in our attempts to copy the information. We will do our best to…"

His commander lifted his hand to stop the explanation and the boy stopped in mid-sentence and stood to attention. The older man started to read carefully what was in the folder and a small smile curved his features. Someone who didn't know him might consider that smile one of joy or contentment, but if one knew him well or looked carefully at his eyes, which remained as cold and indifferent as ever, that one would recognize it as a smile of triumph.

So, they had found out, and much earlier than he had thought they would. That woman was indeed smart, a true Coordinator. He wished he had been there when she had realized what was going on with the boy. He stared at the results in front of him and wondered whether the two boys had understood what those formulae meant. He doubted it. They were soldiers, not biochemists. He would have to tell them though, but not just yet.

"Rey, Shinn, I want to repeat my order that you should guard the object – Kira Yamato – and make sure that nothing happens to him. And if this means that you'll have to take a bullet fired at him, so be it. He is extremely important, and I want you to be fully aware of that."

"Sir, yes, sir!" answered the boys in unison and saluted.

"You are dismissed, resume your duties." With that he stopped noticing their presence and the two youngsters exited the room.

"Do you understand what is so special about that Kira Yamato, Rey?" Asked Shinn once they were out of the room.

"No, Shinn, and that is none of our business. We have to follow the orders of our superior officers, we are not supposed to question them." The tone of the boy left no room for further discussion.

* * *

Kira and Erica Simmons were in his car. Early that morning he had called her and had requested that they meet to talk as soon as possible in a place where there wouldn't be danger of being overheard, so they had decided that he would give her a ride to the hospital and they would talk on the way. That was what they had been doing. 

Erica Simmons had expected anything but what the beginning of the conversation had actually turned out to be. He had been born in an artificial womb. And been designed to be the Ultimate Coordinator by his own biological father. He had admitted that no one other than her knew of his secret. She could understand why. She could also understand now, why he was so special, why his abilities exceeded those of any other Coordinators and why he could get pregnant. Yet as a scientist, a mother and a human, she couldn't understand how one could do such a thing to another human being, especially if that is one's own flesh and blood. She could only imagine how difficult it had been for the boy to accept his origin and move on with his life. She had not inquired on the topic realizing how traumatizing it should be for the young Coordinator to tell her of his origin. She moved on to the other subject that interested the boy.

"Kira-kun, there shouldn't be any problem for you to travel, but I don't want for you to be alone. Your case is just far too unique and I have no idea how might things turn out. May I ask where are you thinking of going to and will there be someone who would be able to call if, God forbid, something happens?"

"I want to visit Malchio-san, and stay there for some time. I need to think about everything you told me yesterday. There are a lot of questions inside me. Questions that I need to find the answers to. And I have to think of a way to tell Athrun, as he is the father. I suppose you have to know. Malchio-san will be there and I'll tell him that I have been ill and I'll tell him to call you, should something happen to me. Is that alright?" Kira cast a glance at her and quickly turned his attention back to the road.

Erica Simmons felt surge of admiration for the boy beside her. He had gone through so much during the war and he had faced and overcome so many obstacles and still remained good-hearted, open and trusting, when many others in his place would have either broken down or would have turned bitter and resentful towards the rest of the humanity, or even would have grown a feeling of superiority over all Naturals and Coordinator who are not as intelligent or capable as them.

"OK, and how do you plan to go there? There are no regular flights or transport-ships that travel to that destination."

"Well I though of asking for a plane, but I am afraid that later it would be easily located and knowing Athrun and my sister they would come up with this idea the moment they find out I am away. So I meant to ask you if you could help me with that one…" He had an apologizing expression as if he felt sorry for giving her so much trouble. She reached and patted him on the shoulder as she spoke.

"Ok, that won't be a problem. My husband works at Morgenroete and I'll ask him to borrow a plane and get you to the island. I would also ask you that you don't fly or operate a MS even in training or teaching practice because it might threaten your pregnancy."

Kira nodded obviously storing every bit of information. He took the last turn and parked the car in front of the hospital. "Thank you, for everything" he looked her in the eyes to make sure that he meant not only the help she had promised through her husband, but everything she had been doing for him and for keeping his secret. He took a letter that had been lying on the back seat and handed it to her. "Can I ask you one last thing? Would you give this to my sister? I suppose you'll go to meet everyone at the shuttle-port…" she nodded in confirmation "…and I want to tell her and Athrun that I am leaving for some time."

"I'll give it to her." She took the letter and put it in her handbag. "I'll call you as soon as I settle the things with my husband. Take care" she turned and headed for the big glass doors that led into the hospital.

* * *

Cagalli watched as the blue sphere called Earth grew bigger and bigger in front of her. She was glad that she was returning to her home after all the time she had been away. It had not been planned for all of them to stay on PLANT for so long, but they couldn't possibly leave right after the terrorist attack of the Blue Cosmos. It could have been interpreted as a silent approval of their actions and that would have ruined the peace that they had attained at such a high prize. She drank in the green and luscious beauty of the islands of ORB as they came into vision and enjoyed the sight. 

She cast a side glance to Yzak and Dearka, who seemed to be unaware of anything around them. They had been deprived of time for each other since they had to take part in a lot of public and private events that wouldn't leave them any moment of much needed privacy. They were obviously eager to go home and make up for what they had missed. She smiled at the sight they presented – two boys in their late teens sitting in two neighbouring seats talking and arguing – one wouldn't guess how deep in love they were if one only judged by their public behaviour or the constant provocative remarks they exchanged. She moved her gaze to the pink-haired girl that occupied a seat in front of the boys. Lacus was as composed and joyful on the outside as ever, but she had had to put a lot of effort to calm down the voices of those who had cried revenge after the attacks. She had appeared on countless TV programs and had sung till her throat went husky and painful just to make sure that the flames of war would not spark again. A then there was Athrun… He was getting more and more distant with every passing day and his eyes would lose their gleam often. Every now and then he would drift into another world and only then did his eyes show some spark, but she couldn't read its meaning well enough to be sure what it meant. She strongly suspected though, that his state had something to do with her brother. Yet she didn't know what exactly…

Next to her Athrun could only think of one single thing – Kira. He was finally going to see him. He missed him terribly. The time they had been separated had been a torture for him and he just couldn't wait to lay eyes on the small and beautiful body of his beloved. He wanted to get a welcome-home embrace from him. Kira usually greeted them at the shuttleport or the airport whenever they returned from a far away journey. That was why the blue-haired boy was extremely disappointed that his friend was not among the people who had come to welcome them. There were only a few close friends like Kisaka, Erica Simmons and some others, plus the emirs that had ruled ORB during the absence of the Head Representative, but not the lithe boy with mesmerizing amethyst eyes and unruly brown hair. The green-eyed Coordinator was hurt and wondered what the reason for Kira's absence was.

Cagalli saw the pain that flashed in the emerald eyes of her friend and understood the reason. Her brother was not present. She couldn't understand why. This was happening for the first time. But probably there was some excuse that would explain everything. She went though the ritual greetings as required by the etiquette while her mind was occupied with Kira's case. When she reached Erica Simmons, the woman greeted her officially and silently added.

"There's a letter from your brother that he left with me to give you, but now is not the right time."

Cagalli nodded slightly and muttered in the same silent voice "Join me and Athrun in the car, we'll be able to talk there." The she had to move to the next person. She continued to shake hands and mutter the necessary words but now almost all of her thoughts lingered towards the letter. She hoped that any mistake would be excused by her friends or be explained with her exhaustion.

* * *

Once they departed Cagalli turned to Erica Simmons and asked. "So, what is going on? Why didn't my brother come? And what letter has he given you?" 

Athrun, who so far had had no idea why the woman had joined them in the car, now concentrated his whole attention on her. Letter? What letter?

"This is it." said Erica Simmons and handed Cagalli a plain envelope with hers and Athrun's names on it. "But I can't tell you what the reason for his decision not to come here is. All I know is that this morning he came to me and asked me to make sure you receive his message. Oh, and he asked that you read it only when you and Athrun-kun are in a place where you can be alone." She hastened to add as she saw that the blond girl reaching to tear the paper to see what was inside.

Cagalli stopped her actions and stared at the white envelope that was now partially torn. She was annoyed at her brother's behaviour. It was not like him to act so mysteriously. She just couldn't wait to arrive at the residence and finally find out what was going on. What was going on with him? He had called rather rarely, but that she explained with his withdrawal lately, and even when they would talk there was some air of distance, as if he was not feeling comfortable to talk to her or Athrun for that matter, since they usually called together. What the hell was going on with him? Maybe he had been spending all his time with his girlfriend and that was the reason why he acted so strangely. She cast a look at the envelope that burned her hands. What was its content? For some weird reason she felt that it was important, yet on the other hand if it was important why was Kira using a letter instead of talking to them in person. He was not one to avoid facing the truth as terrible as it might be…

Athrun just stared at the small piece of paper that would answer his questions about Kira. His mind raced in a thousand different directions as he contemplated the reasons for Kira's strange behaviour. After Kira had awaken he had been as joyful and talkative as he had been before Ai, but that had changed after their first phone talk after they had gone to PLANT. Something ought to have happened during their absence and maybe the letter that was in Cagalli's hand held the explanation what exactly. He had waited to meet Kira, he had envisioned their reunion, he had even imagined how his beloved would meet him with a warm embrace and mutter in his ear sweet words of love and reminder of that special moment they had shared… He knew he had been unreasonable and had left his imagination take the better of him, but he was a human being and he too had dreams… And all his dreams revolved around one single person – Kira. Almost every night over there on PLANT he had been seeing and feeling his lover in his arms, only to wake up and realize he had been embracing the pillow. He had spent countless night-hours replaying in his mind the one time when his dreams had turned into reality. His aching body had craved the warmth and the tightness of Kira's… his hand reached to caress the soft and silky skin… his lips longed to press to those of his beloved… he wanted to taste him, to breathe in his scent, to see the ecstatic gleam in his eyes as he reached his peak… Athrun's body started to throb as those thoughts and images plagued his mind. He tried to get a hold of himself. That was hardly the right time and place to let his fantasies on the loose.

* * *

The car stopped in front of the Residence and Cagalli jumped out of it almost hitting with the door the unlucky young servant that had been ready to open it for his Princess. The poor boy could only blink in confusion as his head of state rushed ahead, not caring what she would knock on her way. The not very respectful thought that she might desperately need the rest room crossed his mind, but before he could continue along this line of reasoning he was pushed away by the Princess' bodyguard who seemed just as determined to reach his aim as she had been a second earlier. 

Athrun caught up with Cagalli and both of them almost ran down the corridors until they made it to her apartment. As soon as the Coordinator closed the door behind them she took out the letter and finally opened it to read its content. She scanned the text, but knowing full well that the green-eyed boy was as interested to know what Kira had written as she was, she started to read aloud.

"_Cagalli, Athrun, _

_I am really sorry that I didn't come to meet you at the shuttle port, but right now I am facing some pretty strange and disturbing things about myself. For that reason I decided that I need to be alone for some time. I don't know how long I will be away, but I will inform you as soon as I return. Please don't search for me. I need some time to come to peace with myself._

_Till soon_

_Kira"_

Cagalli lifted her gaze off the small message that said nothing and looked at the equally perplexed boy in front of her. "Do you have any idea what is the reason for this?" she waved the sheet of paper to indicate what she was referring to as if he couldn't understand it. "What is going on with my brother? What is happening in that head of his? If I get my hands on him I am capable of strangling him, boy or no boy, Coordinator or not, stronger than me or whatever. I will kill him…" She cut off her tirade as she ran out of breath. Her amber eyes gleamed with irritation and she paced back and forth to get rid of the tension that overwhelmed her.

Athrun stared blankly as he thought what had led to Kira's sudden decision to leave. If he had been here only that same morning, why hadn't he postponed his departure by a few hours and met them. He could have told them all that in person and they would have been able to understand him better. Unless… Unless he hadn't wanted to meet them… Or maybe there was a particular person he had been unwilling to meet…

'_It's your fault'_ he heard a nasty little voice tell him. _'He probably hates you for what you did to him. It was you that caused him to fall in hibernation, wasn't it?'_ Athrun couldn't deny that there was probably some truth in what the voice was saying. Even Erica-sensei had stated that since they had not found any physiological reasons for Kira's disease, then the reasons should be psychological… _'Yeah, and maybe he is disgusted at what you did to him too. And he can bear the sight of you, so he chose to run away…'_

The blue-haired boy tried to refute to that statement but he wasn't completely sure in his words. After all Kira hadn't shown any signs of disgust or repulsion before they had set off for PLANT.

'_That is probably because he was trying to fight his feelings or because he was too weak, or maybe his memories were still blurred, but as soon as he could think clearly he probably realized that he couldn't stand being around you any more, that you had taken advantage of his temporary incapacity.'_ Athrun was crushed. Was it possible that Kira thought so? That he was disgusted by what they had shared or that he considered himself violated? He didn't want to believe it. That was not possible. Kira was not like that. _'But he was not like that **before** you took his body without his consent…'_

"**So it is my fault, is that what you mean? That because we made love he decided to leave?"** He didn't realize he shouted the words aloud and not in his mind.

Cagalli was shocked by what she heard. She had seen that something was bothering her friend, but she had thought it was just confusion at Kira's departure. The phrase that Athrun shouted however left her speechless and she was almost literally standing gaping with her mouth wide open and unable to make a sound. The letter silently flew from her hand towards the floor as her hands reached for her mouth. She shook her head to clear her mind as she stepped towards the boy.

Athrun was still shocked by the accusations his own mind had thrown at him and continued to be unaware that the twin-sister of his lover was staring at him in shock. A sudden grab of his shirt snapped him out of his reverie as Cagalli shouted at him.

"What do you mean by 'we made love'?" Her hands gripped his clothes as she watched him intently in the eyes.

Only now did he realize that he had spoken aloud. He didn't know what to say. How did one say to his ex-girlfriend, even if they had shared nothing but few kisses, that one had gone much further with her brother? He looked at the amber eyes that were locked to his emerald ones as he searched for words that would make it easier for her to understand.

"Cagalli,…" her name was all he could say. He just couldn't find the words.

She grabbed him tighter and started to shake him. He didn't resist or take any actions against her. Maybe if she acted on her anger, she would calm down a little and be more willing to listen to him. If he managed to find any words that would get his point across, that was.

"Tell me, Athrun, tell me!" Her voice sounded desperate and it had gone at least an octave higher, so she now sounded as a screaming girl, which she actually was. Somewhere in the back of his mind Athrun found that amusing, but he was not able to enjoy it completely.

"Cagalli, I…" once again he couldn't continue.

"You what?" She started to hit him. Her fists beat at his chest helplessly. She didn't really want to hurt him or she would have been more aggressive, but she just needed to do something. Her voice turned even more aggressive and high-pitched "You what, Athrun?"

"I made love to your brother…" She gasped at his words, which confirmed what she had heard just moments earlier, but now that he had started he just couldn't stop. He needed to speak it up. He had to tell Cagalli of his feelings. She was the only one that didn't know. Well, he had not told Lacus too, but somehow, he felt that the songstress had caught what he felt for Kira even without being told. "I love him, Cagalli, I love him. So that night, the night before he fell sick, I… we… we made love."

The Natural girl stopped hitting him and withdrew from him as if he was contaminating. "K-Kira and you… You and m-my br-rother…" She stammered and then paused as she fought with the images that popped in her mind. Images of her brother and Athrun making love… She tried to suppress her imagination and to concentrate on the most important and essential thing at the moment – the fact itself. The fact that her little brother and her friend – her former boyfriend – had made love. That they were in love. Or at least Athrun was in love. Her head started to throb. She had difficulties to accept it. It was one thing to know that your friends were homosexual as were Yzak and Dearka. To know that your brother was one too, was a completely different matter. It didn't fit in her mind.

Athrun watched as Cagalli's expression turned from one of pure shock and confusion into one of horror and denial. It hurt him that she had reacted like that. He had expected that she might have troubles accepting his and Kira's relationship, but he had never imagined she would be so terrified. He tried to explain to make her understand "Cagalli, I realize it might be difficult for you to find out that Kira and I have that kind to relationship, but please don't reject it. I love him! It was you in fact who helped me realize it, back when I thought I had killed Kira. I tried to suppress it for some time and I tried to hide it till he recovered from the traumas that the war had inflicted upon him, but I couldn't wait more. It hurt to know he had a girlfriend, it hurt to be apart from him, it hurt when he started to become alienated. And that night… it was not planned… it just happened. And only then I allowed myself to hope that Kira also loves me." Athrun paused hoping for a reaction that would indicate that the Natural girl listened and understood; that she might accept what she had found out so suddenly, but there was none. She was there but her posture spoke of denial and rejection. Her eyes were closed and she seemed to fight something inside her soul. He sighed… Maybe she needed some time. "Please, Cagalli, please think about it…"

The girl opened her troubled amber eyes that shone with confusion and looked straight into his emerald ones that pleaded for acceptance. Her mind was unable to process what she had just heard. She had never thought of herself as homophobe and she had never found homosexuality disgusting or sick. It was normal. Yet it had never been а part of her life. Except for Yzak and Dearka of course, but theirs had been so obvious that she had expected it. But now it was about her brother and her one-time boyfriend. Ah, she needed time! She had to think. And it had been a day filled with too many surprises. First her brother's sudden departure to only God knew where and his letter that said and explained nothing, and then came Athrun's outburst that had made things even more complicated. She needed time to be alone and think.

"Athrun, I… I can't talk to you now. I need some time to think about everything. I am sorry, but please give me that time. If we continue now, I might say something that I will regret later."

The blue-haired Coordinator nodded. At least she had not exploded and hadn't called him a pervert. He calmly wished her good day and headed for his apartment that was situated next to hers.

* * *

Back at her lodgings Cagalli collapsed in a sofa, peeled off her slippers, lifted her feet on the arm-rest and tried not to think of what she had just found out. It didn't work. That was hardly something one could put aside that easily. She jumped up and decided to take a shower, which was something that usually helped her relax. She took off her clothes and threw them on the floor then she stepped in her spacious bathroom. She considered lying in the tube, but it would most likely lead to thinking about the issue she didn't want to think about, so she chose the shower. 

The hot streams of water massaged her body and she enjoyed the feeling. But Athrun's words continued to ring in her head.

"_I made love to your brother…" _

"_I love him, Cagalli, I love him. So that night, the night before he fell sick, I… we… we made love."_

"_And that night… it was not planned… it just happened. And only then I allowed myself to hope that Kira also loves me."_

She lifted her face so that the water fell directly on it then she applied some shampoo on her hair and started to rub it in fiercely as if the foam could wash away the thoughts and the memories. There was no effect and she extended her hands towards the steam-covered wall to support her body. It was pointless. She just couldn't pretend she was unphased by what she was told. She quickly finished her shower and lied on her huge bed staring at the canopy above it.

Why did she react so emotionally? She had never deemed homosexuality any differently than heterosexuality. She had been fine with Dearka and Yzak's relationship. Why did it bother her that Athrun was in love with her brother and that Kira most probably felt something for him too? Was she still in love with Athrun and hiding it even from herself? Was this jealousy caused by the fact that it was Kira that had won Athrun's love?

Cagalli dug in her heart for the answers of those questions and was not really happy to admit to herself what they were. She did not love the blue-haired Coordinator as a man and she didn't particularly mind he loved her brother. And besides she had been given enough clues to that, so that was hardly a big surprise itself. Was it because she knew they had had intimate relationship? She thought about it, even if it was a bit disturbing to think about her brother's sexual life. Yet she needed to consider all aspects of the situation. She needed to be absolutely sure what was her position and how would she act. To find out what was the thing that made her resist the idea of Kira and Athrun as something more than friends, when she had been aware that the blue-haired boy cared for her brother on a more personal level. She remembered the message Athrun had written to Kira, how he hadn't wanted to leave his sickbed and even had refused to eat or sleep until his friend was out of danger.

The _thing_ that made all the difference, the _thing_ that actually made her react so strongly to Athrun's confession was something else…

_Envy_…

She rolled on the bed and covered herself with the sheets as if to hide her sinful thoughts.

She was _envious_…

After some thought she realized that what she actually envied was the way he had talked about his love for Kira. The way his eyes had glowed while he was declaring his love for her brother. All of it meant that he was sure that he had found the other half of his soul. And she was still alone. And what was more, once Athrun and Kira became a couple (if they did) she would become even lonelier, because if they were beside her now, then they would most probably be entirely dedicated to each other and she would end up feeling redundant.

She hated herself for being jealous yet she couldn't stop the feeling from overwhelming her. She buried her face in one of the pillows on her bed and cried. Cried for being so jealous and pathetic and unable to accept the happiness of her friend and her brother…

* * *

Athrun walked silently the few meters from the door to Cagalli's apartment to that of his own and once the door was closed behind him and there was a wall that hid him from any curious eyes he allowed himself to lean at the solid oak for support. He turned and desperately banged his forehead into the wood before his hands flew to his face. Then he clenched them in fists and hit the door hoping that the pain will clear his mind. It didn't, so he figured out it would be better if he stopped acting in such a childish manner and regained some composure. 

What was going on with him? How had it come to all of this? Kira gone… Him talking to himself… Telling Cagalli about his love for Kira and about them having sex before he had been ready and before she had been ready either, without preparing her for what was coming at her… Was that going to end up in ruins and tears?

He went to the large balcony of his apartment which overlooked the private beach that was reserved for the residential occupants. He had missed that view up on PLANT. It was strange how in the short time he had spent in ORB this beautiful country had started to represent his home much more that the place he had grown up at and which he had tried to protect by enlisting in the army. Athrun knew that this place was his home because this was where Kira was. That was why it had been so important to him that his beloved had not come to meet him at the shuttleport.

He stood on the balcony and watched as the sun was setting. The colours that changed started from orange and went trough red and finally just before the sun dived in the ocean he saw the one he had been waiting for – the shining beautiful amethyst of Kira's eyes. When the colour disappeared Athrun went back inside and the accusations that his own mind had thrown at him when he had heard the content of the letter came to pester him once again. Was it really that way? Was Kira running away from him? Or was he assuming things and letting his imagination and inner insecurities overcome his judgment. He tried to think reasonably.

Was it his fault that Kira had fallen into hibernation? He had asked himself many times how much of what happened with Kira was his fault. Whether everything had started with the message he had written to Kira, or it had been the night of passion that they shared that started that nightmare of insecurities, selfaccusations and fear for Kira's life. He couldn't be sure he was guilty as charged by his unconscious, but he had no evidence to completely overrule it either. It was a gray area. Yet the shades in that area hid the answers to questions that had great importance for his life and peace of mind.

He went to his bedroom and took one of the photos that decorated his nightstand – it was a large photo of Kira, one that he had taken secretly soon after they had come to live in ORB. The company of six had gone to the seaside and Athrun had managed to take a shot of Kira with the drops of salty water sparkling on his slender tanned chest refracting the light and his eyes shining and smiling at some trick that Dearka had played on Yzak. Athrun caressed the tender features and carefully placed the picture in its place.

His eyes remained fixed on the two-dimensional image of his beloved as he was tortured by the one big question that would not let him sleep normally, the one that always made him sweat in horror – the possibility that Kira had been feverish and unaware of the act he and Athrun had been engaged in.

His mind was constantly reminding him of that one and he was getting more and more troubled, he was having problems concentrating and he even considered taking some time off, because he had started to doubt his efficiency as a Cagalli's personal bodyguard. The only reason he had not done it was that he was afraid of the questions that might arise if he did.

But now with Kira gone, he needed to work or he would go insane with all the questions that would not stop torturing him. He wondered how long his would beloved stay away.

* * *

For the next few days Cagalli avoided Athrun. Not physically, he was her personal bodyguard after all, but emotionally. She erected a wall that had the message _'I don't want to talk about **that'**_ all over it and the boy abided her wishes albeit reluctantly. She could see his need to talk, to know what was she thinking and was she planning on sabotaging his possible relationship with Kira or was she going to use her every ounce of influence and support to help him in his quest for her brother's heart. 

She started to feel even worse for acting like that, but she couldn't help herself. It was hard for her too. Inside her heart she had a hard time accepting her own situation. She was to be left alone and she was afraid. Afraid that she wouldn't find the love that seemed to bless everyone but her… Well Lacus was alone too, but her case was different, though if someone asked her how exactly it was different she would have been unable to answer.

And she kept asking herself why she was so egoistic and why did she act so cruelly towards Athrun. And what made her even more confused was her that she didn't know if Kira was in love with the blue-haired boy. He had slept with him, but sex was not a proof of love. It could have been just a moment of desire or even simple curiousity. The fact the Kira had chosen to run away – for her his act was exactly running away – didn't help her make her mind. She was totally confused. On one side were the inner conflicts she had and on the other was Kira's inexplicable behaviour. Yet she couldn't take forever in making her mind. But she just needed one more day… Or two…

* * *

Three days had passed since Kira arrived at Malchio's house but he hadn't yet made any decision. The truth was he had not though seriously about how he should present the news to Athrun and whether he would he anyone else about his pregnancy. He constantly found something to do or thought about things that were not really important at the moment. Such as would the child be a boy or a girl. He didn't mind whichever turned out to be as long as he/she was healthy. Would he or she have his amethyst eyes or the brilliant emeralds of Athrun? And what would his/her hair colour be – brown or midnight-blue, or maybe he/she will be born with some unique combination of eyes and hair that mixed the features of both parents without taking after any of them? He kept throwing up every morning but now that he knew its meaning he almost welcomed it, not completely though, no one would be happy to spend a daily morning session in the toilet vomiting, but he kind of accepted it as a part of the miracle he was bestowed with. He would spend hours walking around the island or sitting at the beach and doing nothing but talking to the small life growing inside him. He understood he was putting off important things, but it seemed that his priorities had changed dramatically over the few days since he found out he was pregnant. 

If someone had told him that he would accept something as weird as him being pregnant and pitting the small baby on the very top of his priority list he would have laughed at him silly. But now he simply couldn't imagine going back and giving up the small and precious life that made him so immensely happy.

And he kept remembering the way the baby was created. It was something that would always make him smile and feel loved. He was almost sure that Athrun loved him and that made his life even more complete and perfect.

He often imagined the life his beloved and he would share. They would spend the nights doing all those naughty and pleasant things and then they would be together supporting each other during the day. In the evening they would sit on the sofa close to each other, embracing or touching and they would share how their day had passed and what had happened to both of them while they had been separated. And later they would be going through names for their baby. That was something Kira didn't think about. He felt that the name of their child should be something they would have to decide on together. They created him/her together after all.

The days passed and although Kira craved to be with Athrun he somehow couldn't find the inner strength to tell him about what a freak he was. He believed or at least strongly wanted to believe that Athrun would love him no matter what and that they can make it through any obstacle that fate might throw at them but deep inside he was still unsure.

He was afraid that Athrun might feel pressured and cornered by the news of his lover's pregnancy. What if he was not ready to move on to the level of commitment that a child required? They were young most people at their age were still children. They had been forced to mature early since the war had not been a game, but still they were barely 18 and actually knew nothing about kids. They were only now learning how to live in a peaceful world and they were still unprepared for life. And now he and Athrun would have to learn how to take care for their child – a small creature that would be completely helpless and dependable on them. Kira had bought some disks with books – both popular and aimed for medics and biochemists – about pregnancy (even if he was not a woman, a pregnancy should be a pregnancy anyway) and care for the newborn and he spent hours almost fully memorizing them. He wanted to learn as much as possible in theory and then what he lacked he would learn on the fly.

And as frightening as it was the possibility that Athrun would think that Kira was a freak beyond anything ever created and would want to have nothing to do with him was also real. He could just be repulsed by the news that Kira was a human-experiment that had been so weird to be able to get pregnant.

Kira stared at the sea his feet knee-deep in the water. He loved to watch the waves as they gently washed the beach. The colour of the tropical sea was almost the same shade as that of Athrun's eyes. And the liquid caresses of the warm water over his skin reminded him of his lover's touch as it had been that night. Their first night together… He smiled and his face glowed at the nice memory. His hand was on his abdomen and he rubbed it gently as to show his love for his unborn child. It was still too early for him to show.

He went out of the water and sat on the warm sand. It was past time he came up with a decision. He had been on the island for 10 days already and he was still to decide when and how to tell Athrun. He had made his mind that he wouldn't tell the others before he talked to his beloved. He should state his opinion about the issue.

But how do you present such news? Only now did he understand how hard it should have been for Erica Simmons to tell him. Yet, Athrun had the right to know he was going to become a father. And Kira needed to share that wonderful event with him.

The brunet wondered if Athrun would be mad for leaving him the way he did, but he hoped that once his beloved heard the reason for his departure, he would understand. It was Friday he remembered. So in two days was Sunday – Athrun's day off. That should be the most appropriate day. But how should he start on the topic? He couldn't just drop it on his lover out of the blue. If he just said _'Hi, Athrun, you know, I am kind of pregnant'_ the other boy would most likely drag him to the nearest shrink for a mental check up.

He could of course start from afar with the night they spent together, but that was hardly helpful. The fact was men didn't get pregnant – well usually. Or maybe he should just start with what he had been told by Raw le Creuset – about his father making him the Ultimate Coordinator. And something more than just that… making him the first man to be able to give birth. Only now did it come to him that Creuset had not mentioned that part… Well, maybe he hadn't known, or he hadn't wanted to tell him. Or he hadn't minded. He himself had been a victim of experiment that had turned out unsuccessfully after all.

Yes. That was the best way. He should start by explaining that he had been experimented on and that way it would be easier for Athrun to accept that there was more than just the Ultimate Coordinatorship that made him different from the others. And he would bring all those pictures and tables that Erica Simmons had showed him, to show them to Athrun. He would go back to Onogoro the following day. He took out his mobile phone and called Erica Simmons to tell her that he would need a ride home…

* * *

Now here's chapter 14 (my longest chapter ever, the next is by far smaller) and as you see Kira didn't tell Athrun right away. I think that in a real situation a person that faces such a news as the one Kira had been presented in chapter 13 would make the person confused and insecure and Kira is susceptible to such feeling (at least in Gundam SEED). So I wanted him to clarify things for himself and only when he has found his own balance and come to peace with himself to go and tell Athrun. And how will it go you'll read in the next chapter, which actually is my favourite and I loved writing it. 

I tried to develop Cagalli a bit since so far I've concentrated on Kira and Athrun and I only worked a bit on Yzak. And I felt it was time she turned more into a living and breathing character and not staying only Kira's sister. I am sorry if you don't approve of her reaction to Athrun's confession, but I thought that a normal girl would have a hard time imagining her former boyfriend sleeping with her brother.

Dear, **Reader**, Happy B-day with some delay. And you'll see Athrun's reaction when he finds out.

**Sovereign of Silence3**, I am not sure I'll go into Kira's dealings with PMS, because of some specifics about his physiology that I am yet to explain. And you got it right. There will be another explanation about Kira's pregnancy later, that I hope will clarify things further. Yet I am glad I succeeded in making the pregnancy somewhat believable. And on the healthy baby/miscarriage issue, I already made a decision, but I won't be spoiling it for you. And thanks for your compliment.

Thanks for reviewing all of you who did.

* * *


	15. White Lily

**Pairings: **Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gundam SEED / Destiny. If I only did… Cagalli and Lacus would have been lonely, while Kira and Athrun would have had eyes only for each other.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments: **This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews would be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 16 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary: **Kira loves Athrun and Athrun lovesKira, but eachof them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try to get closer, the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter FIFTEEN**

**White Lily**

The morning sun was shining through the tree by her window creating lovely patterns that shadowed the table as Cagalli enjoyed her tea and newspaper. It was Sunday, so she had the day off and could sleep till noon if she desired so, but her habit and the rays of the rising sun had kicked her out of her bed quite early. She was just reading the latest gossip about her life that were mostly as far from the truth as possible, when someone knocked on the door of the apartment she occupied in the Residential Palace. She looked at the big clock that hung on the wall and wondered who would come to seek her that early on her one day off.

One of the guards that were on duty went to open the door and she heard Athrun's voice in the foyer. The moment she saw his face, she knew why he had come. She supposed that she couldn't hide forever behind the mask of the busy Representative or the indecisive friend. Yet she wanted to postpone the conversation that was about to take place as much as possible. She had taken her time to think and she had come to some peace with herself. She had even accepted her own jealousy and worked on overcoming it. And only yesterday she had promised to herself that she would talk to Athrun and tell him what she had decided, but now she didn't know how to face him. She chose to pretend she was unaware what the reason for his visit was.

"Good morning, Athrun. What brings you here so early? Is there a problem or are you visiting as a friend?" She hoped he wouldn't consider her last question an offence. She just had to ask in case he had come for another reason.

The blue-haired Coordinator came closer to her, kissed her on both her cheeks and returned the greetings. "Morning, Princess." He then looked meaningfully at the two guards, standing a few steps away, trying to blend into the background and be invisible, and asked in a low voice. "Do you think we can talk in private for a little while?"

The Natural studied his face. She was not going to be let off the hook this time. Well, she was not surprised it was not like Athrun no let things out of control. He had already shown much more patience than she had expected of him. "Guys, I have an urgent matter I need to sort out with your superior here, so would you leave us alone, please. He would take care of my security in your absence, I'll inform you before his departure and then you can resume your duty."

The two men bowed and left the room. Cagalli and Athrun were left alone, so she turned to him and asked "OK, Athrun. Now we are alone." She looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to bring up what interested him.

Athrun took one of her elbows and led her to a chair at the table she had just left. There were a few flowers and other non-flowering plants that separated the table from the living-room and formed a lovely corner for a calm relaxation, reading or dining. Then he moved one of the other chairs, sat at the perpendicular side and turned his body and neck to face her. They were one opposing the other and so close that their knees almost touched. He shifted in his seat and started out of nowhere.

"Did you think about it?" He didn't need to say what he meant. He was sure the girl would know.

Cagalli bent her head and rested her chin on her hands using the table to support her elbows. She thought for a little while and tried to organize her sentences, knowing how important this was for her friend. He waited patiently for her reply. When she was ready she lifted her head and looked him straight in the eyes.

"I did. And I am sorry if I reacted a bit inadequate the last time, but you took me by surprise. I never expected that you and my brother…" She blushed slightly. It was still awkward to think of her ex-boyfriend and her twin-brother as lovers, but she braced herself and continued "…would become so…close." She paused carefully choosing her words "But if being together is what will make both of you happy, then by all means, I'll support you with all my heart…"

Athrun reached for her hand and squeezed it to show his gratitude. "Thank you, Cagalli." She interrupted him.

"Wait, listen me up, I haven't finished!" She returned the squeeze. "I'll support you, but so far I am not sure Kira loves you back. You told me of your feelings and what is more, I witnessed the depth of them myself during that horrible week when my brother was lying in the hospital and we feared that he might…" Her voice cracked as she remembered all the terror and fear that had plagued her during each second of that period. Thank God, it was over. She hoped she would never have to go through something like that again. It had been different during the war. Everyone had been given choice and one knew the risks, but that had been worse and more unexpected. The feeling of Athrun's hands on her own snapped her back from the memories. "I am not sure if this is good for you, Athrun. You know that you might end up getting hurt pretty badly if it turns out that Kira sees you as only a friend and that night had been due to his fever, or a one-night stand…"

"I know." The emerald-eyed boy nodded absently "but I have made up my mind. I have to take the risk. This is my chance. You don't know how long I have been keeping this in my soul. How the feelings burnt under the surface and threatened to explode. So, now that you are aware of everything I want you to know that I think of courting your brother. Openly! So if you think this might present a problem… I don't know with the media, or with your image… I want to give you the opportunity to release me from my duties as your personal bodyguard and an officer responsible for the security of the Palace."

She kept looking at him as he talked and admired the inner determination that streamed from him. He had really set his mind on doing whatever necessary to win her brother's heart and was absolutely aware of the possible risks, yet he would try. She knew that Kira had a girlfriend, even if no one knew the girl. Yet he was close to Athrun and cared deeply for him. The possibility that somewhere deep inside Kira might love the boy in front of her existed. But it was only a possibility…

"That is hardly a problem, Athrun. No one cares for the gender of the person you love as far as you do your job fine and you know it. If you refer to you being a former member of the ZAFT military forces that is also unlikely to cause trouble, since here in ORB people are granted the opportunity to start anew, no matter Coordinators or Naturals, as long as they respect the rules and principles of the country. So I am behind you 100 percent." She looked at him and her eyes shone with determination. No one has the right to mix personal life and national security or ruling of the country. Besides her brother had nothing to do with the Council of the Emirs, so she couldn't see a problem if he and Athrun ended together. There would of course be some rumours and insinuations but they were doomed to die as soon as the next scandalous news hit the newscolumns.

But there were other things that she needed to make sure the blue-haired boy understood. "You do realize that you might end up ruining the relationship between the two of you. What little of Kira you have now might be gone forever if he turns you down or is unable to accept your feelings." The shadows in the emerald eyes replied to her question even before she heard the words.

Athrun's face was grim. "I do, Cagalli. Trust me, I do." The boy closed his eyes and buried a hand in his midnight-blue locks. That was his greatest fear. That he might end up losing more than he could afford… losing everything…, because Kira was the center of his universe. His heart and soul. Without him, the Athrun that would exist would be nothing more than an empty shell, void of soul or a will to live. But now, after he had experienced the heavenly pleasure of loving Kira, holding him, feeling him closer than anything else in his entire life, and not only in the physical sense, because what they had shared went far beyond the physical, now he just couldn't go back. He ached inside for more. He woke up in the nights feeling cold and alone in his bed. He craved the warm presence of Kira by his side. He had screamed through nightmares of losing him.

Many times he had awaken covered in cold sweat and with racing heart after seeing Kira dead in that hospital bed. Or torn into countless pieces by a bomb planted by the Blue Cosmos, just like the one that had killed those people on PLANT a few days back… He had relived again and again that fateful battle when he had almost killed the one person that represented life itself… ever since he had left for PLANT he had been restless, missing Kira, but since he had returned his dreams had grown even more troubled…

"But I need to do it. I have to try to win his love."

Cagalli was shocked to see how expressive Athrun's face had been a moment ago. He was usually good at controlling his emotions but it seemed that when it came to his feelings for her brother he lost his self-control. She remembered that one of the few times she had witnessed him letting his feelings show, had been when he believed to having killed Kira.

She had made up her mind. She would help him as far as Kira didn't end up hurt. It was a hard thing to do - to choose between her close friend and her brother, but the latter was just the tiniest bit more important to her.

"I told you, you have my support. But tell me, what do you plan? What are your objectives?"

He looked at her with gratitude and said "I'll start courting Kira openly and I'll tell him I have discovered that my feelings for him go deeper than friendship. I won't shock him right away, telling him I love him, but I'll make sure he understands that I am interested in him as a partner in a romantic relationship. I'll try to end his relationship with that Ai girl. You know, I don't think she is good for him." He remembered the phone call he had overheard. It was true, the girl was beautiful but her character didn't seem to be the type for Kira.

"You don't know her." Cagalli tried to be reasonable. She looked at him accusingly for talking like that. "You shouldn't judge her and what is more, you don't how she and Kira behave in each other's presence. It might be painful for you, but consider the possibility that my brother might be happy with her." She didn't really believe her own words herself, but she felt she had to be honest.

"Whatever, I don't want to talk about her." Athrun waved his hand in the air as if to chase away a bothersome fly. "So, the way I am planning it, my ultimate goal is to marry your brother. I want to have him for myself, in good and in bad, in health and in sickness… for as long as we both breathe. I want to look in those crystal clear amethyst eyes of his and say: 'Marry me, share with me all the joys and sorrows this world has to offer.' I want us to be together forever, Cagalli." His voice rang with passion and his hands held the blonde girl's strongly. His whole face glowed as he said the words he wanted to say to his beloved.

She was almost frightened by the strength and depth of his feelings. But marriage…? At their age…? They were only 18 for God's sake. Wasn't that a bit too early for such a grand step.

"Marriage…?" she didn't realize she said the word aloud. "This is too much! Are you sure, Athrun?"

"Of course I am sure, Cagalli! Especially now, after the night we shared. We made love and that means a lot to me." He paused as pictures from that perfect morning flashed through his mind. He reached in his pocket and retrieved a small box. As he opened it, the Natural girl gasped in awe. Inside two matching wedding rings reflected the rays of light that were coming through the window. They were simple and plain – no gemstones, nothing frivolous, just three interweaving threads of white, yellow and red gold.

"You bought rings!" Cagalli couldn't resist and reached to take the rings to examine them. As the light played on the shining surface of the matching golden items she noticed that one of them had something engraved on its inside. She lifted it closer to her eyes to read the words. They said 'To Kira – friend, lover, soulmate.' Tears formed in her eyes. She hadn't realized Athrun's feelings went that deep. She silently pleaded the gods to let her meet someone who would love her as much as the Coordinator in front of her loved her brother. Without a word she placed the rings in their velvet bed and handed the box to the blue-haired boy. "They are beautiful, Athrun. I hope that you'll be able to use them soon."

She sat in her place holding Athrun's hands and looking through the window at the wonderful weather outside. The boy was dreamy, probably seeing the moment when he would be able to ask Kira to marry him. Cagalli saw some children, probably of the personnel that attended to the Residential Palace. They were chasing each other, happily playing, their life untarnished by wars or everyday troubles. It dawned to the girl that there was one more problem that Athrun probably never thought of.

"Athrun, when you were engaged to Lacus, did you talk about having kids?" He looked at her surprised at the sudden question. He replied distractedly not giving it much thought.

"Well, yes. We were discussing it, but we had agreed that we would wait. We both love kids but we wanted to mature a little before we made that step." His mind was still away and he didn't realize what she was trying to suggest.

"Athrun, you understand that kids are something you'll have to give up. Kira can't give you children. And you should think carefully this might be a small issue now, just a small crack on the surface, but it might grow and create a rift that could end ruining your relationship." He looked at her as the realization slowly struck him.

"I don't want kids." He said determinedly.

Cagalli looked at him doubtfully. She didn't believe him completely.

"I don't need kids." He said more calmly. He paused as he got used to the idea of never becoming a father. "Kira is more than enough for me. Your and Lacus' kids will be ours too. Kira and I will give them all the love and care we would have given ours. You'll see how we will spoil them." He smiled at the idea of small feet tapping around him and children shouting at him 'Uncle Athrun'.

"OK, Athrun. You do want this and I am sure you can make it happen. As I've said a few times already you have my support. I am sorry if I was a bit harsh, presenting all the possible problems that might appear in front of you, but it is better if you know what you are getting into." She smiled relieved and looked at the bright sun that promised a perfect day. How long had it been since the last time she had enjoyed some time to go out and stroll? Her last peaceful day had been on that island. She crooked her head and proposed to Athrun "Do you care for a small walk in the city?"

* * *

Kira entered the Palace. He smelled the single white lily in his hands. He had bought it impulsively for he knew Athrun loved it. It was still early in the morning on Sunday, so there weren't a lot of people around and he could walk without having to stop every now and then to greet somebody. He turned down different corridors heading for Athrun's rooms. He had almost reached his destination when an excited voice echoed behind him. 

"Ah, Kira-sama," He recognized Mana's voice and turned to greet her. "You are back. Cagalli-sama and Athrun-sama have been so worried about you."

Kira smiled. "Yes, they have probably been, but there were some matters that required my immediate attention. Now, when I managed to sort through them, I am here to see them and explain my absence." He turned to knock on Athrun's door, but Mana stopped him.

"He is not here. Some time ago he went to Cagalli-sama. You'll be able to meet both of them. They are in her apartments."

Kira mutely cursed. He wanted to see Athrun first and talk to him in private, and only later after he had heard the news, to go to his sister. Now he would have to do it in reversed order. "Thank you, Mana" Well, so be it. He turned and headed in another direction leaving Mana behind.

* * *

Kira knocked on the door and saw surprised that nobody answered. He knocked again a bit stronger but still got nothing. Maybe they are discussing something loudly… Knowing his sister's behaviour that was not impossible, she did start yelling for nothing. He smiled at the image of Cagalli shouting and attacking Athrun this early in the morning. He would have to be careful not to get caught between and end up with something thrown at his head. It would be best if he surprised them. That way he might even save his beloved's ear-drums. He opened the door silently and walked in. 

He could hear voices from the dining-room but was still unable to make out words. He moved closer careful to be out of sight, so that he could jump at them and startle them. He thought it again. What if Athrun thought that was an attack and bolted at him. He decided to announce his presence when he heard Athun's words.

"…'_Marry me, share with me all the joys and sorrows this world has to offer.' I want us to be together forever, Cagalli."_

Kira stopped dead in his tracks. The flower in his hands flew towards the floor and fell with muted 'thump'. That was impossible. He must be hearing wrong. In no way on the Earth's face would Athrun propose to Cagalli. He had stated that he didn't love her so many times. _'She is just a friend, a very close and important friend'_ those were his words. How come he was proposing to her? There had to be some mistake.

"_Marriage…?"_ He could hear the amusement in his sister's voice. So she never expected this. If she and Athrun were together that wouldn't surprise her that much, would it? He is probably retelling some movie, or a situation about other people. He made a step closer to see what they were doing. Between the plants that separated the dining-room and the living-room he saw them sitting at the table, holding their hands. His heart stopped beating, at the view, but he kept telling himself that it was all a coincidence. _"This is too much! Are you sure, Athrun?"_

He waited holding his breath for the answer. Then the next words hit him straight at the solar plexus leaving him breathless…

"_Of course I am sure, Cagalli! Especially now, after the night we shared. We made love and that means a lot to me." _

"… _**I am sure, Cagalli! Especially now, after the night we shared. We made love and that means a lot to me." **_

No! Kira's heart exploded in his chest. His mind went blank and the word echoed inside again and again, going stronger. He froze. His guts clenched. His hands flew to his mouth to keep his moans from erupting. It was impossible. This couldn't be. Yet he was witnessing it. What had happened that last month they had been away? Had Athrun fallen for Cagalli again? Had he forgotten that night he had shared with him – Kira? The amethyst eyes filled with tears that stated to stream silently down his cheeks. He shook uncontrollably. He bit his palm hoping that the pain would help him recover. It didn't. He finally succeeded to move and stumbled back towards the door, his eyesight blurry from the tears, but he didn't care. All he cared for was to get out of that room as soon as possible. And as silently as possible… He didn't want anyone to witness his pain. Especially not the couple that had just shattered his world…

"_You bought rings!" _

Those words saw him off as he moved towards the door and his doom.

He felt dizzy and sick and he leaned on the wall beside the door he had just closed. He was away from those voices and the words they carried. A wave of nausea sent him towards the staff-only rest room that was nearby. He bent over the toilet and threw up all he had eaten in the morning. He went to rinse his mouth and the face he saw in the mirror on the wall behind the sinks terrified him. That was the face of a person who had lost everything. And he had not! He still had his baby. Athrun's baby. The life they had created.

'_Yes, but now he will live with Cagalli and the two of you have no place there.'_ A voice in his head hissed.

'**_You have to fight, Kira! Will you lose a battle that you have not even fought?'_** Came another voice. He held his head with both hands not sure which of the voices was right. **_'Your baby needs his or her father.'_**

'_Ha, do you think he would believe you are pregnant, Kira! You are a guy. Guys don't get pregnant. You yourself had hard time believing it and you had all the results from the examinations in front of you and you knew about the Ultimate Coordinator project too.'_

'**_Yet you have to try. For your sake and that of the baby!'_**

'_Yeah, and if he believes you, would he want to have anything to do with a freak like you?'_

The voices were driving him crazy. He tried to mute them and think. He loved Athrun and Athrun should have felt something too, or he wouldn't have written that message and wouldn't have made love to him, or cared for him at the hospital.

It was probably his – Kira's – fault Athrun had gone back to Cagalli. He had invented a girlfriend to keep his beloved away, then he had run away after hearing that note. He had not said a word about what they had shared, thinking it had been a dream. And he had been gone when Athrun returned from PLANT. Maybe Athrun had considered all that a rejection and decided to move on.

Kira shook his head. He had lost a lot already. What more could he lose if he went back and faced Athrun.

Only his dignity.

But did he need dignity if it kept him away from his one true love?

No he didn't. What he needed was his beloved by his side.

The brunet splashed some water on his face and headed back.

He opened the door and entered not bothering to keep quiet, but not shouting too. Athrun and Cagalli were still in the dining corner talking. Kira opened his mouth to make his presence known when Athrun struck once more, this time breaking every ounce of reason and peace in Kira's soul…

"_I don't want kids." _

No,… those words couldn't be true. He didn't say them! _'Tell me he didn't'!_ His hands went to his abdomen as if to protect the innocent life there from the impact.

"_I don't need kids."_

Kira felt he would collapse. The world around him was falling to pieces. Just as his heart was… His head was spinning and his eyesight was blurry from tears. His whole body was stiff and rigid. He didn't know how he found the strength to move but he felt his feet moving. Something softly cracked under his feet and he blindly looked at the floor. There under his feet was the now crushed white lily. His mind distantly registered the sight and he remembered how carefully he had picked the flower among the hundreds the shop offered. It didn't matter now. He needed to get out of there.

The next thing he knew he was flying down the corridors for the exit. He had to get away… as far as possible… Tears blurred his vision and fell around him but he didn't care. He was lucky to not have met a lot of people on his way, and even those he passed didn't dare interrupt him.

"_**I don't want kids." **_

"_**I don't need kids."**_

Those words rang in his mind. He stumbled but regained his balance and continued to run. The sun blinded him as he got outside. He continued to run, not caring where his feet were leading him. All that mattered was to put as much distance as possible between himself and Athrun and Cagalli.

Athrun was no longer his. He had lost everything. No, not everything… There was one thing that gave him strength and courage. The precious gift Athrun had presented him with unintentionally. His baby. That was only his baby now. The man he loved had defied the fragile life and it was up to Kira now to take care of it. To protect him or her from everything, even from the cruel father that had thrown it away.

He didn't see or hear anything around him.

He didn't hear the horn or see the car until it was too late. He stood in the middle of the street frozen and unable to move as the blue car moved closer. It was all in slow motion. The ever nearing car… The loud honking of the horn… the screams of the onlookers… the horror in the eyes of the driver as he realized he wouldn't be able to stop in time… The world turned black and white… Kira closed his eyes…

He couldn't move. He just stood there frozen and waited for the impact as Athrun's words echoed in his mind.

"…'_**Marry me, share with me all the joys and sorrows this world has to offer.' I want us to be together forever, Cagalli."**_

"_**Of course I am sure, Cagalli! Especially now, after the night we shared. We made love and that means a lot to me."**_

"_**I don't want kids." **_

"_**I don't need kids."**_

Kira felt something throwing him in the air and then he hit the ground. Everything went blank and his mind left him…

* * *

**A/N:** Ok, I did promise that '_bad'_ is going to turn into '_worse'_ and here it begins. Hope you won't kill me for what I did to poor Kira and Athrun. But still it is my favourite chapter and I loved writing it. 

And a BIG thank you, to all who reviewed:

**i love athrun****KURAYAMi MONOGATARi****Sovereign of Silence3****, apchi, Reader, ****The New Shinigami Hikari**

And as you see, Kira didn't manage to tell anyone of his pregnancy, because of… well, me ;-).

So, please tell me what you think and how much you hate me for putting such obstacles on the path that Kira and Athrun walk towards love.

And I am sorry I forgot to update Kira's pregnancy timeline, but I did it this time. If I forget again feel free to remind me.

* * *


	16. Dust of Dreams

**Pairings: **Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gundam SEED / Destiny. If I only did… Cagalli and Lacus would have been lonely, while Kira and Athrun would have had eyes only for each other.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments: **This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews would be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 16 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary: **Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try to get closer, the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter SIXTEEN**

**Dust of Dreams**

_Kira felt something throwing him in the air and then he hit the ground. Everything went blank and his consciousness left him…_

Kira's started to come to but everything was as if he was standing neck-deep in thick jelly. He felt he had some kind of awareness of himself but was unable to move. His limbs were heavy and rigid and he couldn't even bring himself to open his eyes. He decided to begin with evaluating and perceiving everything he could in his current state.

He felt he was lying on a hard surface but something softer was supporting his head. There was a dull pain in his head and some discomfort in his left side, but he had dealt with worse injuries in the past. What had happened to him? Where was he? Those questions were still to be answered.

He opened his eyes in search for answers. But in the position he was lying, the sun was shining down straight into his eyes and all he could see was a dark shadow hovering over him. That was probably a face, but all he could make out was that the person had blond hair since it glowed like an angelic halo around his or her head. He closed his eyes as he was almost blinded by the intense light.

He mind was like a shattered mirror. One was able see one's reflection in it, but everything would be extorted and incomplete. Then the pieces started to fit together…

And he remembered…

**series of flashbacks**

"…'_**Marry me, share with me all the joys and sorrows this world has to offer.' I want us to be together forever, Cagalli."**_

_A car honking and himself in the middle of the street… Frozen unable to move he watched the blue vehicle coming closer and closer…_

"_**Of course I am sure, Cagalli! Especially now, after the night we shared. We made love and that means a lot to me."**_

_Screams around him…The honking growing louder and more urgent…_

"_**I don't want kids." **_

_The wide-opened eyes of the driver at the realization that he wouldn't be able to stop in time… The amusing thought that the man was a Natural popped up in his head out of nowhere and it was ridiculously improper, but he remained glued in the middle of the street not moving and his thoughts came slow and hazy…_

"_**I don't need kids."**_

_The impact… Something colliding with him and throwing him in the air… Him flying and then hitting the ground… And then there was blackness…_

**end of the series of flashbacks**

His mind was fully awake now and one horrible thought flooded his mind… His baby… What had happened to his baby? His eyes opened in shock, the pupils dilated and unseeing. All that he had left in his life was the small being that was growing inside him. If he lost his baby, he would be left empty-handed. He had lost Athrun, and as much as he wished he were stronger, he wasn't going to be able to cope with another loss that soon. His mind was sending desperate signals through all neurons trying to assess the state of his body. The stress overwhelmed him, he stopped thinking logically and started to hyperventilate. His breathing turned deep and fast. And there was that weird feeling – it was as if someone forced electric impulses through his entire nervous system.

His ability to move now restored, he bolted to a sitting position and his hands flew to his abdomen. Someone stopped him and tried to get him back into a lying position. Kira resisted the push and was ready to fight the hands that tried to calm him down and put him back down. He desperately started to touch his belly searching for any sign that his baby was still in-there – healthy and safe. He found none… He was as afraid as he had never been in his entire life. He had never even known he was able to feel such terror. Even the betrayal of Athrun was nothing compared to that. Yet he didn't feel as if he had had a miscarriage so he tried to push the horrific thought away. He shouldn't think negatively, that was something all the books he had read, agreed on.

He concentrated on the person that continued to push him down. Now that his eyes had regained their ability to see, he recognized the face of the person.

"Rey-kun?" He was surprised to see the boy here. But that hardly mattered at that moment. "What are you doing here? What happened? Where am I?" His questions came in one after the other as he searched for reassurance that he and his baby were fine. Then it dawned to him that no one save for Erica Simmons knew he was pregnant. And that it would be better if it remained like that.

"Kira-san, daijobu desu ka?" (Kira-san, are you OK?) Rey's voice was filled with concern and worry. He pushed the brunet back until he was lying on the ground and carefully adjusted the light jacket that he had taken off himself to put it under the older boy's head.

Kira nodded. He didn't feel strong pain, his mind was clear and his senses operational. All he desired now was to contact Erica Simmons as soon as possible and to consult her…

He tried to stand up and leave, but Rey stopped him and calmingly said. "Kira-san, please don't move. You might have some inner injuries. You have to be examined. I have already called for an ambulance."

At that information Kira started to struggle to get up as he had no desire to be examined by other doctors. What if they found out he was pregnant? What if he turned into a news article in the paper – **_'the weird male that can get pregnant'_** – he needed to get away from that place as soon as possible. He could hear the sirens of the ambulance in the distance and he doubled his efforts to move. He freed himself from Rey's grip and stood up. He felt some dizziness but that was of no importance. All that mattered was to get away. He needed to run… His body jerked at the idea but he ordered his muscles to oblige to his desires. He was already ready to bolt off when Rey grabbed his hand and tried to calm him down. He thought that Kira was disoriented and couldn't act adequately, little did he know that the brunet was fully aware of his actions.

"Kira-san, calm down. Everything will be fine." He started to talk as he would to a small child or a frightened animal, but Kira paid no attention. He stood still until he felt steady and was sure that he won't fall if he made a step then he pulled away from Rey, who by that time had loosened his grip and headed away.

Only now did he notice the curious onlookers that surrounded him. It was in human's nature to watch other people's dramas. He discarded them and tried to make his way through the crowd. Yet Rey was faster and got him once again.

"Kira-san, what are you doing? You might be hurt. You need to be examined by doctors." He seemed to think that the brunet was in state of shock, which was probably quite close to the truth, but that didn't prevent the older boy from making decisions based on common sense.

Kira continued to walk and just looked at Rey from the corner of his eyes. "I am not going to the hospital. I am fine." He was not sure about the last one, but he could hear the ambulance coming closer and closer. He needed to get away and fast. He looked around and noticed a taxi just a few meters away. He headed towards it but it took off just before he reached it. There were no other taxis in the area as far as Kira could see. He was left with only one option. He turned to Rey. "If you really want to help me, please, get me out of here!"

Rey didn't know what to do. The older boy was obviously determined to leave, but he could be injured and he remembered his orders not to let even a hair fall off his head. Yet he was left with no choice, it was his shift and he couldn't risk losing sight of the object. Besides he was obviously set on leaving and something could happen to him and there might be no one to help him. The blonde nodded. "OK, Kira-san, I'll help you, but you should promise me that you'll consult a doctor as soon as possible."

That was an easy thing to promise. He wanted the same thing, it was just that Kira had a certain doctor in mind and not just any doctor.

Rey led him to a small van with the logo of a home-delivery company Kira knew well, since he used their services. The brunet took the passenger seat and carefully tied the seatbelt. They took off shortly and left the crowd and the ambulances behind. He finally relaxed a little and became curious how had it turned out that Rey had been there.

"Un…, Rey-kun, what happened? Why were you there? Was I not run over by a car?" He didn't know very well what had happened. The last thing he remembered was the impact and himself hitting the hard surface of the street. But he didn't feel as if he had been run over. Not that he had any idea how would one feel in such a case, but he supposed it would just be different.

* * *

**flashback**

_Rey was staying close to the front door of the Residential Palace waiting for the object to exit and to resume his surveillance, when unexpectedly soon after he had entered, Kira Yamato came out through the door, or more correctly bolted out of the building. His eyes were filled with tears and he tripped as he was running down the staircase, but he regained his balance and continued his run. Rey followed him careful not to get noticed, but in his current state the brunet didn't seem to notice anything._

_The older boy kept running blindly colliding with people on his way, barely mumbling incoherent apologies and crossing streets not caring to look left and right before he stepped on the roadway._

_It was evident something was wrong but in accordance with his orders Rey was not allowed to act and get noticed unless the object was in danger, and even if his actions put him in some danger there was no imminent threat for his well-being at that precise moment. It was good that so early on Sundays the traffic was not very intense._

_Then the boy just stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of a big street and just stood there oblivious to his surroundings. He was clenching his fists and his face showed pain and hurt. Rey almost felt sorry for him. He liked him to some extend. He had always been nice to him unlike other customers, offered him a snack or a beverage and always gave him a tip. _

_The blonde had mixed feelings. On one hand he – a trained soldier had to work as a supplier, just because his superior officer had ordered him to manipulate the food and drinks the object consumed. On the other – the same object had cared for the feelings of an unknown worker in a service company. That had made him somewhat guilty but he never gave it much thought. Orders were orders, and had to be followed even when one didn't like them._

_And he had an order to make sure Kira Yamato was well and healthy so when he saw and heard the blue car that was closing on the object and was bound not to stop in time he just did what had to be done. He ran and jumped on the boy taking him out of the way of the vehicle and falling on him as they flew and hit the ground. He was surprised that a Coordinator would pass out that easily because of a mere hit on the ground, but he remembered that the boy had been aggravated about something so he assumed that had had some influence on the case as well._

**end of flashback**

**

* * *

**

Rey thought it best to answer the question. "I happened to be passing by and I saw you in the middle of the street. You seemed not to notice that a car was closing in and obviously couldn't hear the honking, so I just pushed you out of the way. You fell on your left side, so I suppose you are bruised. I am sorry that you got hurt." Rey didn't look at Kira while he was talking, concentrating on driving instead. "Should I drive you home?"

The brunet was glad that the fate had stepped in to protect him and more importantly his unborn child. "Un…" He nodded in answer. "Get me home, please, you know the way, I'll be fine. And thank you. I suppose I was deep in thought and just didn't notice the car. I owe you my life, and even more." He didn't care about the bruises. They were a small price for his baby's life. He was ready to sacrifice much more if it meant his child's safety and happiness. "If you ever need anything, just say so and I'll do my best to help you."

Kira relaxed on the seat and caressed his abdomen happy that his baby was fine. He loved it. He loved it even more now, because he had to love the small creature for two. It wouldn't matter that Athrun had rejected it. Kira would love his baby enough so that it never felt deprived of the love of its second parent.

He still couldn't believe what had happened. His eyes watered at the memory of Athrun's proposal to his sister and his fervent statement that he wanted no kids. It hurt. Hurt so much that the pain was almost physical. It surpassed the dull ache that the bruises gave him or the annoying headache.

Then something inside him clenched and he felt pain as if someone had stabbed him in his abdomen and had started to rotate the knife in order to inflict maximum pain. He fought for air as the pain was so intense that he couldn't even breathe and started to see double. A moan escaped his lips and Rey turned to see what was going on and there was Kira folded in two, pressing his stomach and rasping for air. He didn't know what to do. The older boy obviously needed medical attention and urgently. But for some reason he had refused medical treatment.

"Kira-san? What is going on?"

Kira couldn't answer. He couldn't think of anything else but one thing. His baby… something was wrong with his baby…

* * *

Lacus was at home watering her roses and singing to them when she felt it. Something was wrong with Kira. Something was very wrong with him. She had never felt this strong connection to him as in that moment. She dropped the watering can and reached for her phone. Kira's phone number refused her call as it had been for the last 11 days. 

She dialed another number – this time Athrun's. Maybe he was going to have more luck contacting Kira. If not she would call Cagalli or anyone else who had even a remote chance of getting in touch with him.

Athrun picked up on the third ring.

* * *

Athrun and Cagalli were in one of the city parks happy that there were not many people around. They had taken precautions and had disguised but it was still better that there were hardly any people around. 

It was too early for those who liked to take a stroll in the park in their days off and it was relatively late for the joggers, who preferred the early hours of the morning.

Somewhere in the distance they heard the sirens of an ambulance and they hoped that whoever needed its aid, would be alright. They couldn't even imagine that it was Kira that the ambulance raced to get to…

They walked in comfortable silence, rarely saying a word, happy that the wall that had stood between them for the last 11 days was finally gone.

Then Athrun's phone rang. He wouldn't have picked it up, if it had been someone that he didn't care much for, but since it was Lacus, and since he hoped to hear from Kira soon and he could very well go to Lacus first, they did share something that made him jealous, even if he knew that was definitely not love, he picked up.

"Hello, Athrun Zala here."

"Athrun," the pink-haired songstress started without any introductions, as soon as she heard the voice on the other side of the line, "I know you wouldn't believe me, as you didn't back then in the hospital, but I feel something's wrong with Kira. Please, try to contact him. I couldn't reach him, maybe you'll have more luck."

Athrun didn't know what to think. He was not the type to believe in the supernatural, but she had turned out to be correct about his beloved the last time… "Lacus, calm down. I'll try to call him, but he refused my calls, and for all I know he does the same with everyone else's, since neither Cagalli, nor Yzak or Dearka could get him. But I'll call him right away and I'll call you back to tell you whether or not I succeeded. Bye for now."

Athrun cut the line and stared at the small devise. What was going on with Kira? First he had left so suddenly leaving a note that said virtually nothing, then he refused any phone-calls and now Lacus was sure something was wrong with him. He was worried.

Cagalli watched him curiously. She had caught the conversation had revolved around her brother, when she heard about the refused calls, but had no idea what exactly had Lacus wanted. "Athrun, is there a problem with Kira?" She asked and when he didn't answer immediately she pulled his sleeve to get his attention.

He looked at her with distracted eyes. "Uh? Oh, Cagalli, sorry. Lacus called." He paused and the Natural got annoyed. Why did he need to state the obvious?

"I got that" She snapped and rolled her eyes. "Tell me what she said to get you this way." Men, were really thick sometimes, especially in the moments they least needed to be.

"She said something was wrong with Kira. She had called him but to no avail and asked me to try to call him as well." With that he hit the dial button and waited to get connected, but as soon as he got the call was refused. He was not surprised, yet he asked Cagalli to try to call him too. That attempt was also futile.

They looked at each other. What had been going on with Kira? He was becoming stranger and stranger. It was not like him to set his phone to refuse calls. Athrun was worried yet there was nothing he could do, but call Lacus and inform her that they had had no more luck in reaching Kira than her.

The mood was ruined and Cagalli suggested "Let's head back, we can always get together and find a way to get Kira."

The blue-haired Coordinator nodded in agreement and they headed for the car that he had parked in closer vicinity.

As they traveled Cagalli fumed. "Till now I respected his wish not to look for him, but he went too far. I am gathering a search party and I'll dig him out of his hole even if he has gone to the North Pole. And once I get my hands on him, he shall face my wrath." She seemed really pissed off and her eyes sparked with determination.

Athrun only nodded in agreement, knowing better then to talk to the fierce blonde when she was in such a mood.

* * *

They had hardly entered the palace when a shy servant-girl, who as everyone knew was 'secretly' in love with Kira, bowed in front of the princess and asked her. 

"Shitsuree, Cagalli-sama, demo… is Kira-sama all right? He seemed very troubled today, after he met you…"

Both Cagalli and Athrun jumped as they heard the question. Kira had come back and had obviously been there at the palace. And judging by Yukiko's words he had come to meet them. Yet he had not. Something was most definitely wrong and Lacus' claims had once again turned out to be correct. Cagalli being in a state of annoyance already interrupted the girl and asked.

"When was that? What did you see?" Her harsh tone made the timid girl tremble and look franticly between the two people in front of her, wishing she had kept her mouth shut. She started to fiddle her fingers nervously and to shift her weight from foot to foot. But the princess was just too absorbed in her own problems to notice anything. And when she didn't get an answer instantly, she pressed "What's wrong, Yukiko? Speak up!"

The girl flinched further – her head sank between her shoulder and she started to tremble visibly. Athrun, who saw that if Cagalli barked at the poor servant once more, she would either run away or burst into tears, neither of which would help them in any way, just grabbed his beloved's sister's hand and prevented her from making a grave mistake. Before she could open her mouth and start shouting, he stepped in and calmly addressed the shaking girl.

"Yukiko-kun (1), please calm down and tell us, what had happened and what made you assume that Kira-san was not fine." He controlled his expressoin in order not to frighten the girl any further. Yet inside him everything screamed for an answer. She looked at him with shy eyes and bowed, testing his patience with her slowness and hesitation which seemed to take forever until she spoke.

"Athrun-sama, Kira-sama was here about an hour before you and Cagalli-sama got out. I saw him come and he was holding a beautiful white lily." Her romantic soul sighed as she remembered how envious she had felt towards her princess for having a brother that thoughtful. Athrun clenched his teeth as he wondered how many honorifics and pointless comments it would take before Yukiko got to the point, but pressing her would most likely only delay matters even more. "I was bringing new sheets for change as I heard him talking to Mana-san and she told him you and the Princess had been in her apartment, so he headed there. But a little bit more than 20 minutes after that he bolted out of the palace and he seemed very disturbed, I… uhh…" She seemed hesitant to continue and Athrun had to fight the urge to force the words out of her and he could see Cagalli clenching her fists and digging her nails deep in the flesh to prevent herself from chocking the girl to death then and there. "Ano…he seemed to have been crying." She finally finished and with a hasty bow and "With your permission" took off.

* * *

Neither Cagalli nor Athrun paid any attention to her as she hurried down the corridor. They shared equally stunned glares and wondered what was going on. Things concerning Kira had started to turn more and more inexplicable. 

The blue-haired Coordinator felt his guts freeze and his mind haze at the thought of a crying Kira. He hated the very idea, since he knew that the wounds that made his beloved cry were never ones inflicted to his body, rather those that pierced his heart. Someone or something in this Palace had hurt him and he or she had hurt him strongly enough to make him cry in public. He had to know who, why and what had pained his Kira.

Athrun abruptly turned and sprinted down the corridors not caring what the people who saw him would think.

Cagalli was still shocked to find out that her brother had come back from wherever he had been to and had come to visit her only to leave before they met and didn't instantly notice that her companion was no longer beside her. The collective gasps of the onlookers who had no idea what was going on and had assumed that their Princess and her bodyguard (or boyfriend as many assumed) had had a quarrel filled the corridor. She snapped out of her haze and barely caught a glimpse of Athrun turning around a corner. She followed him, although she couldn't begin to guess where he was heading to. But he still knew her brother better than her, having the advantage of knowing him longer and being close to him for years.

While running Athrun took out of one of his pockets his ID card which also was a key card to all areas in ORB with restricted access. He took a stop in front of a door that had a sign saying "_Restricted access! Security staff only!_", ready to open it with the key but it was slightly ajar and he just stormed in not bothering to knock to acknowledge his arrival and shouted. "I want all the security-camera records for the last three hours!"

The people inside looked at him all stunned by his sudden appearance, not used to see their boss in such a state, let alone shouting. It was the video surveillance room and all the people who worked there were hand-picked by Athrun himself. Their job was far too important to leave place for people who would overlook their obligations. Before the staff could mutter more that some discordant greetings the door flew open once again and their Princess entered in such a speed that she couldn't stop in time and collided with her bodyguard. Everyone stood in their places with their mouths gaping and at a complete loss what to say or do. Some tried to salute but noticed that their superiors paid no attention to them and changed their actions to confused scratching of their heads or arranging their disheveled hair.

Two more swift officers started to order the disks that were requested though they seemed to have become slippery and constantly fell out of their grasp.

Both Athrun and Cagalli realized that the poor people were not used to see them in such a state, them usually being calm and poised when they would communicate with strangers. They looked at each other confused and at loss how to act, but the green-eyed boy collected himself and almost unnoticeably nodded to his friend to indicate he would take lead and she would do better to simply agree with whatever he did.

"Sir," a man with balding head saluted. "Is there a problem with the security?" Those words broke the spell over everyone and all the officers stood to attention and saluted ready to answer to anything whey might be asked.

"No, I just decided to run an unexpected inspection to see what the state of the security is." Athrun felt nasty to bother the guys on Sunday, but on the other hand they shouldn't be slacking off. Too much depended on them. And he knew they were serious and hardworking people who didn't deserve to lied to as he just did, yet he couldn't really tell them he was looking for a clue to reason why his lover had been seen crying. And they had already come to their senses and he didn't want them to ask questions he couldn't answer. So he grabbed the first straw that popped in his mind. "I think you all know that the door to this area has to be closed and locked constantly, yet it was ajar when I came!" He was looking for any excuse to advert their attention from his and Cagalli's weird behaviour at least for the moment and that was the one thing he could come up with.

"Sorry, sir," the same man said. "It's just that Takeda went to bring coffee for all of us and it would have been hard for him to open the door or even knock with 7 coffee cups in hands. At that precise moment a young officer entered with a tray carrying coffee and some candy bars, obviously taken from a machine. The man observed the situation, noticing the tensed atmosphere and quickly placed the tray on a nearby table and saluted.

Athrun nodded and said. "I see, next time close the door, he would knock with a foot. Now give me the records I have a bet going with the Princess here and I am in a hurry to prove her wrong." Oh, God, he had surely come up with a stupid excuse, but it was already said and he hoped it won't piss Cagalli off. Yet she played along.

"Or more likely _I_ will prove _you_ wrong!" Her glare spoke nothing and he realized she was much more concerned about Kira's case than he had thought.

"Here they are, sir!" A man handed him a case filled with disks and he automatically took it. "They are sorted by time and area of surveillance."

Both Athrun and Cagalli saluted and quickly exited, impatient to see what had happened.

* * *

Once in Athrun's room they started to flip through the disks looking for the ones they were interested in. The green-eyed Coordinator placed the record from the camera at the entrance of the Palace and fast-forwarded it to a point just before the estimated time when Kira should have come. It took some time slower fast-forwarding till they saw Kira entering the Place with the mentioned white lily in hand. 

Athrun's heart leaped at the sight of his beloved and he smiled at the happy and serene expression that adorned the precious face. He noted the exact time and changed the disk to the one with the record from the next camera.

Cagalli sat next to him and followed the changes in his expression as much as what was displayed on the screen. His heart was in his eyes, now that he either didn't bother to control his features, or was absolutely unaware how his feelings were displayed on his face. She watched as he changed the disks according to Kira's route in the Palace.

They watched him as he went down different corridors occasionally lifting the flower in his hand to inhale its scent.

The blue-haired Coordinator remembered how his mother, who adored flowers, would tell him and Kira stories about different flowers and the meaning they signified (3). It had been back when they had still lived in Copernicus and had no idea that Lenore would die and that the two friends would oppose one another on the battlefield.

They saw his brief interaction with Mana and were sorry that they couldn't hear what the two had been talking about…

Yet since all the security records were kept and never got deleted, all cameras had been set to record only two shots per second (2) and no sound. This saved a lot of space considering that even though digital records required less space for storage there were still a fair amount of cameras and records. The recording pattern however prevented them from lip-reading as well, so they sighed in annoyance and changed the disk continuing to follow Kira's path.

And then they saw him knocking and entering in Cagalli's apartment.

There were cameras there as well. As much as the Princess hated the idea of being under constant surveillance she was aware that her status and actions made her a target, which in turn meant that she had to be protected. And the cameras were a part of the protection that was needed. The only places in her lodgings that were not followed by the electronic eyes of the cameras were the restroom and the bathroom. She had also the option to turn the cameras off if she desired so, but she never did, apprehensive of the tension it would bring to her bodyguards. The only thing that was different from the other places was that the microphones were normally off unless there was a suspicious situation when the operators in the surveillance department could turn them on.

The two youngsters looked at the exact time when that had happened and then to each other. They had been there at the time. A sudden chill went trough Athrun and he had a very bad gut-feeling. His hand trembled as he changed the disks yet again.

He double-clicked on the file and moved his gaze to the video-wall. He saw Kira entering Cagalli's apartment with a mischievous smile on his face. He loved that expression. When they were little it meant his friend was thinking about something naughty. The brunet advanced a few steps and stopped dead in his tracks, his smile vanishing to be replaced by a stunned horror. The beautiful white lily slipped out of his hold and fell on the ground. His beloved made a step ahead and paused again, this time his hand flew to his mouth and his eyes filled with tears. Athrun's heart clenched and skipped a beat. Something must have hurt Kira very strongly to make him react like that. He watched the record and couldn't understand what exactly. He needed to see more, but then…

Cagalli couldn't stand it any more. Her brother was crying. And the expression on his face spoke of immense pain that ripped him from the inside. She had to find out what was the cause for it. She reached and stopped the player.

"Why did you do that for?" Came Athrun's confused and rough voice. She could see he was hurting too. Kira's pain was making him suffer. The pang of jealousy stroke her heart again but she paid no attention to it. Instead she reached to touch her friend's shoulder to offer him her support and calmly said.

"If we continue this way we won't find out what we are looking for." Her eyes moved in the direction of the video-wall to indicate what she meant. "It would be better if we watched everything simultaneously." She started to go through the disks while she continued to talk. "You set the player to play a few files at the same time and I'll get all the records from my apartment. We'll transfer them on the hard drive and then we'll set them to start at the moment when Kira comes in my place. That way we'll know what is the reason for his distress."

Even before she had completed her explanation Athrun's fingers already danced on the keyboard setting the player as she had proposed. It was good she remained collected, because he was on the verge of losing his mind. His worries for Kira and his anxiety to meet him had affected his reason.

Soon everything was ready and they played all the files at a time.

Once again they saw Kira enter the apartment and how his face changed from joyful to pained but this time they saw what they had been doing at the same time. They had been talking at the table. Both of them remembered the topic they had been discussing at the time – Athrun's feeling for Kira and his plans to court him. They saw the blue-haired Coordinator reaching in his pocket for the rings and Kira taking his stumbled exit.

Athrun's soul cried. Kira had been terrified by him… He had been shocked that his friend was in love with him… His worst nightmares were coming true. He had no chance with the person who possessed his heart…

Cagalli knew what should be going on in his head but had no idea what she could do to ease his pain. She found the disk with the records from the corridor and loaded it. In the meanwhile Athrun tried to pull himself together. He would gain nothing if he fell apart. And as much as the Natural girl was his friend, he didn't want her to witness his weakness. He drew a few deep breaths and reminded himself that he would have all the time to ponder and recollect on what he had seen and would see once he was in the safety of his apartment where he could cry or shout or ask the fate why she (4) had made him fall in love with Kira if they were never meant to be together. But not now! Now he would see the records till the end, no matter how painful it would be.

And it was. Ha saw Kira lean against the wall as if he desperately needed the support, then run towards the nearest rest room and throw up.

Yet for some reason after that Kira headed for Cagalli's place once again. Athrun didn't know what to think and he left thinking for later now only watching and remembering.

But this time his beloved remained in the apartment for brief seconds before his face got pale and stressed and then Kira flew out of the room and the Palace as if the Devil himself was chasing after him.

Athrun stood still for minutes, his mind unable to process what his eyes had registered.

Cagalli kept silent unsure if there were any words that could make the impact of the records less painful.

The boy shakily stood from the chair at the computer and without a word collected the disks and fled to his room.

Cagalli remained behind wondering what was going to happen next. Lacus' words that something was terribly wrong with Kira rang in her mind. They had come after the incident in the Palace and she dreaded what the '_wrong'_ would turn out to be.

* * *

**A/N: **(1) I use 'kun', because the girl is a maid and as such lower in rank than Athrun, so san might be a bit much, on the other hand, Athrun is not close to her to feel comfortable using 'chan', so I guess the indifferent 'kun' is the best option. (it reminds me of Fruits Basket, where Shigure addressed Tohru as 'kun'). And I refer to Kira as "san" because Athrun is talking about him with a third party. 

(2) Most surveillance cameras don't record constantly, they rather take shots at certain rhythm since taking 2 shots out of 24 means using only 1/12 of the space that would otherwise be needed. And one can't do anything unnoticed in the half second that the cameras don't record. Besides the people following the cameras do see everything and can change the recording pattern if necessary. Yet the fact is that this prevents from recording sound. (Ok, even if I got something wrong – I didn't dig too much in the matter – just accept that it is like that in my story).

(3) **White lily:** Purity, modesty, virginity, majesty, _it's heavenly to be with you_. (source: internet)

(4) I use 'she' because in most mithologies there is a Goddesss and not a God of fate.

* * *

Ok, this was the last chapter I had ready, so I don't know how long it will be before I post ch. 17, which I am currently working on. I've written something like 3 pages/two POVs, but I plan to include two or three more POVs and I can't even guess how it will flow. I have inspiration and ideas, but unfortunately, I really lack the time to sit in front of the PC and write. 

I see I distressed you with the events in the last chapter and I guess you are even more shocked after this one. I wonder if any of you saw it coming - the fact that Kira knew Rey. There was a small hint in ch 9. I know I am cruel to both Kira and Athrun, but if everything goes smoothly, there will be no plot. I guess youhate me even more now after the way I ended Kira's part of the story. Hope I'll live to write the next one. Please don't kill me, that will not help either Kira or Athrun to get closer to happiness. But if you fell you can't wait to find out whether Kira's baby will be fine or not, and if you are registered in FF, tell me in a review and I'll reply with the answer. But that will be **_all_** I am going to spoil. Nothing more! For the rest 'RAFO' (Read And Find Out).

Thank you:

**apchi, ****The New Shinigami Hikari****i love athrun****animelover6000****RuByMoOn17****, gravitation gig, Reader, ****Sovereign of Silence3****sketch13**

… for taking the time to read and share your opinion. It makes me extremely happy to see that there are people who enjoy this fic.

* * *


	17. New Hopes

**Pairings: **Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gundam SEED / Destiny. If I only did… Cagalli and Lacus would have been lonely, while Kira and Athrun would have had eyes only for each other.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments: **This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews would be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews (besides I've already written 16 chapters). I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary: **Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try to get closer, the more they drift apart.

**Author's note:** I filtered out the lemons in chapters THREE and EIGHT, because a friend pointed out that doesn't approve of NC-17 / MA rated fics so I decided it was better to abide the rules before I got banned. Sorry for any inconveniences. The unedited versions would be available on AFF (link on my profile page).

Also: **新年 明けまして おめでとう ございます** or **Happy New Year**, even if I am a bit late.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter SEVENTEEN**

**New Hopes**

Cagalli stared at the door that Athrun had closed behind himself. The enormity of what had been presented to her was such that she just couldn't accept it. She had managed to remain calm and composed for only one reason. She had detached herself and it had felt as if she had been a silent observer from the outside. But now that observer was back inside her and the painful comprehension was sinking in.

Her legs trembled and she unsteadily walked to the chair in front of the computer and sat on it. Her eyes looked at the screen but in reality saw nothing.

As if on their own accord her hands reached for the mouse and she replayed the simultaneous records that had remained on the hard drive even though Athrun had taken away the originals. She stared at Kira's actions and tries to find any clue to what had happened, what had made him run away without making his presence known. It was much more painful to watch now that the comfortable detachment was no longer protecting her from the pain.

She registered every expression on Kira's face, every gesture and shift of his body, but as she evaluated what she saw, she could only make one conclusion. And she was afraid it was the same Athrun had probably made the first time he had seen her brother's reactions. Kira had rejected him, what was more, he seemed to be either terrified or disgusted at the very idea that Athrun loved him. Her heart was splitting.

On the one hand her brother was more than just her flesh and blood, he had been a friend and she didn't want him to suffer, on the other she cared deeply for Athrun and his pain also hurt her. And she was in the middle, unable to decide which one she should support. Where should her loyalty lie? Which one needed her the most? And most importantly, what should be done to ease the aftereffects of the event.

And deep there in her heart she couldn't shake away the feeling that both she and Athrun had somehow hurt Kira. She paused the player and stared at her brother's face just before he left her room for the second and final time – there was that expression of betrayal that made her flinch with the distant feeling that there was something that she was missing, something of great importance… The very _something_ that had made Kira's face that of a person, who had just been backstabbed by the one he had trusted the most.

It was not time to think about herself now, and as much as is pained her to admit, it was not even time to think of Kira, who had chosen to run away and about whom she could do nothing at the moment, it was Athrun that was there and that needed support. She had never seen him so broken and fragile, not even after his father's last words that had shattered his world leaving him floating in the nothing. Maybe that time the fact that he had somehow expected the pain and rejection had preserved him, but today he had been so enthusiastic about his feelings for her brother and the blow had been too sudden and painful to bear. He needed help and it was her obligation as his friend to give him all the support she could provide. She would deal with her mixed emotions later.

She reached for the phone and dialed…

* * *

_Kira couldn't think of anything but one thing. His baby… something was wrong with his baby…_

Rey watched the boy next to him wincing in pain and wondered what he should do. On the one hand Kira Yamato had vehemently refused medical treatment and on the other his orders were quite clear – he had to make sure not a hair fell from the boy's head. He had no idea what was wrong with the brunet, but if he had to make a guess he would go for some intraabdominal rupture or bleeding. And if that was the case urgent medical care was the only option.

Kira pressed his hands to his midriff and concentrated his whole being as if his will could reduce the pains or make the source of them disappear. And in a few moments it seemed to work. His insides eased and he could breathe once again. Hoping against hope that everything was just an accidental occurrence that wouldn't repeat itself Kira smiled at Rey, though he couldn't see just how crooked and unnatural the smile turned out to be.

"I am fine, Rey-kun, don't worry. Please take me to my home. I am really sorry, that I am giving you such troubles." He smiled again and pretended that nothing had happened.

Rey couldn't do anything but nod and drive ahead.

Kira sat in the seat and wished that everything would turn out to be fine. Once he got home he would call Erica-sensei and ask her to come over and see what was wrong with him. With each passing minute he calmed down a bit more confident that the cramps in his abdomen had indeed been some accidental occurrence, but no sooner the thought passed his mind and the pains started all over. And if possible they became even stronger and more distressing. He tried to reach into his pocket for his mobile phone in order to call Erica Simmons – he didn't care if Rey overheard anything, his baby was in danger and that was all that mattered at the moment – but his fingers couldn't get a decent hold of the object and it ended falling on the floor of the car.

As soon as Rey heard and saw Kira folding into two again he pulled the car out of the road and stopped. Then his attention undivided was all transferred to the suffering male in the seat beside him.

"Kira-san, please let me call for an ambulance. You are obviously in an urgent need of medical attention." The long-haired blond boy extended his arm to touch the other youth's shoulder but the latter flinched and started to shake his head vigorously. It was clear his teeth were clenched and he couldn't utter a single word.

Yet he was proven wrong. Kira spoke, though his words came painfully and in intervals as he panted. "The phone…" a moan escaped his lips and he jerked his head, indicating the small object that lay on the floor in front of him. "The numbers in the memory…" he wetted his lips and his hands gripped his stomach even tighter "Erica Simmons… tell her… where… here…" he couldn't utter a whole sentence and he just tried to get his point across with as few words as possible.

Another painful tightening in his abdomen sent jolts of pain throughout his nerves and he couldn't sustain his moan. And then Kira felt something sticky and wet oozing down his rectum and his eyes popped out of their orbits. His skin paled and he started to shiver in horror. It couldn't be. It just couldn't happen to him. The Gods couldn't be that cruel. They had taken Athrun away from him, why did they want to leave him with nothing?

"Iie." No! He didn't realize he had cried it out loud. But he wouldn't have cared even if he did. He didn't need to see what was dripping from his backside to know that it was blood. The same blood with which the life of his unborn child slowly trickled away… His mind tried to come up with something to do. Every bit of distressing information concerning pregnancies and miscarriages that had ever reached him now surfaced and the horrifying pictures that played in front of his inner eye made him even more panicked.

Rey watched the boy tremble and shiver and the terror that filled the beautiful amethyst orbs made him fear that the boy was dying. "Kira-san!" He shouted, but got no reply. He shook the boy and shouted his name again and again until the eyes cleared a little. "You need help. Urgently!"

Kira's mind cleared enough to organize the only thought of importance at the moment. "The phone…" he muttered again through gritted teeth "Erica Simmons…" a sharp intake of breath interrupted him but he clenched his fists as they gripped his sides, if he had nails they would have been piercing through the skin of his palms, and continued. "Tell her… bleeding… losing it… need her… here…" His consciousness couldn't stand the torture he was undergoing and mercifully slipped away.

* * *

Rey stood still for what seemed like an eon though it was really no more than a few seconds. So Kira Yamato wanted – no insisted – that he be examined only by the doctor that had treated him some time ago. Rey was confused. How was he to act? He cast a long and curious glance at the collapsed boy beside him and reached for the mobile phone in his feet. He held the small silver-coloured device and placed it aside grabbing his own from his pocket instead. He dialed the number of his boss and waited for him to pick up. 

"What is it, Rey?" came from the other side of the line as soon as the phone was picked up.

"Sir," he paused unsure how exactly to explain what had happened for the last hour or so of his shift. "The object, sir! He was almost hit by a car…"

"What?" Rey removed the mobile from his ear and stared at it as if it would bite him. It was the first time his commander lost his nerves like that – at least in his presence. He carefully put the phone back to his ear and hastily added.

"I saved him, Commander, but now he is in my car – there's no time for explanation how he ended here – and he passed out. First he had some spasms in the abdominal area and then he passed out." Rey paused for a second waiting for questions but heard nothing but the rather nervous and uneven breathing of the person on the other side of the line, so he continued. "He refused any medical treatment I offered – and I did so on several occasions – insisting everything was fine. But then before he passed out he asked me to call Erica Simmons. I allowed myself the liberty of calling you first to hear your opinion."

Gilbert Dullindal – the person that Rey was talking to – pondered on the idea of ordering the boy being delivered to him the very instant, but he feared that the possible abortion that was probably threatening his plans might be even more probable if the boy got stressed by the abduction. And he couldn't risk the baby's health by putting his male mother under anesthetics. It was still too soon. He had waited for years, he could wait for a few more months.

All these thoughts flashed through his mind so fast that there was almost no pause before he ordered "Follow his instructions. If necessary drive him to any point that Erica Simmons tells you. Make everything within your powers to get him to her as soon as possible." And with that he cut the connection.

* * *

Rey didn't hesitate further, If Commander Dullindal said to do something he did it, it was as simple as that. He opened the silver mobile phone and checked the memorized contacts until he found the one he needed. He pressed the dial button and waited for the woman to pick up. 

"Kira-kun, what is it?" came her voice that sounded very nice and welcoming through the receiver.

"I am sorry, this is not Kira Yamato. I am Rey – a friend of Kira's. He asked me to call you. He almost got run over by a car and later he got some abdominal pains, which caused him to lose consciousness. But just before that he told me to call you and to tell you – the following are his exact words – '_bleeding… losing it… need her… here…_'"

The woman on the other side gasped in shock, though he couldn't understand why both she and his commander had reacted so strongly. If anyone asked him, he could have told him or her that the boy obviously had some internal injury. But those were overreacting a bit. However the doctor composed herself and quickly asked "Where are you?"

"In my car. I parked by the road, we are currently at…" Rey started to explain their location.

"OK, describe your car!" She was now giving orders with the same type of voice as that of his commander and the blonde unconsciously straightened and replied curtly. "Then you start driving down Eternal Avenue and turn into Memorial Lane. I'll get an ambulance and will head towards you. If you see an ambulance that flashes at you stop immediately and wait for us. Don't move Kira-kun and don't let him move if he wakes up. Is that clear?"

"Yes, madam!" He would have probably saluted if he didn't have the mobile in his right hand. The signal that she had cut the line snapped him back and he started the engine of the car, then headed as fast as he could in the direction he was ordered.

* * *

Erica Simmons was used to making decisions under stress and pressured by timelines both as a doctor and as a military officer, so she didn't lose priceless seconds wondering what needed to be done. Her mind instantly organized all tasks in order of importance and succession. She had feared that something of the kind might occur so she had long since taken measures that now eased her task and saved time. There was only one thing that she needed and that she had not dared act upon in advance. 

She needed assistance and she couldn't trust that the hospital workers would be able to keep their mouths shut, not when it came to someone as close to the Princess, even if they didn't really know how close exactly. Yet the fact was, she couldn't help on her own, she needed at least another pair of hands to aid her.

She called the one person she considered deserving of the honour to be entrusted with a secret of such magnitude.

"Hello, Okina Raniya speaking!" came from the other side of the line.

"Raniya-san, it is Erica Simmons, I need your assistance urgently and what is more – discreetely! Can you get ready in less than five minutes?"

The woman on the other side hesitated for less than a second, knowing that her friend would not ask her such questions if it was not important. "I can!" She didn't need to say more. In the years before she had retired from her job as a doctor, she had been both a mentor and a friend to the young and still inexperienced at that time woman.

"Fine, thank you! I'll pick you up in five minutes! I'll give you a brief explanation on the way! Till soon!"

Erica Simmons hung up the phone and went to a side hangar to the hospital that was built for military purposes and was restricted for access by civilians. Almost no one came here now, and even if someone did, there was always an ambulance ready in cases of emergency, so no one would have deemed anything was amiss. There she had hidden what she had prepared in case this tragic occurrence presented itself. There was an ambulance with all the necessary medicines and installations that could give maximum chance of survival to both Kira and his unborn child. The problem was that she couldn't evaluate just how much this maximum was in percentage.

* * *

Athrun entered his apartment and slammed shut the door with his foot, not caring about the noise. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing… 

He stood still, his back facing the door and his hands holding the evidence of his shattered dreams. How had this day begun and how was it bound to end?

He had been insecure of what Cagalli's decision would be, then he had been ecstatic that he could at long last speak openly and confess his love to Kira and then had come Lacus' call, Yukiko's question and finally the records. And it was not even noon yet… He dreaded what more nightmares could befall him. Not that they could break him further than he had already been. He had received such a blow when he saw Kira throw up at the discovery that Athrun was in love with him and had made love to him.

Was he that disgusting or was it that Kira just couldn't stand the sheer idea of being intimate with a man. Or was it that he couldn't stand the idea of being intimate with Athrun?

Did it really matter anyway? In the end the result was all the same. He had lost. He had lost before he even had the chance to tell Kira in the eyes that he loved him, adored the ground he walked on and got intoxicated by the air he breathed.

He locked the door shutting the outside world away, stepped into his bedroom and crawled on the bed still holding the disks in his hands. He dropped them on the cover and sat drawing his knees up close and embracing them resting his chin on them. He started to rock back and forth unaware that he looked like someone on the verge of breaking apart – pale, his eyes shut with tears forming in the corners and his body trembling uncontrollably.

In his mind's eye he saw Kira's happy face turn to a mask of horror. His eyes watering and the tears streaming down the tender cheeks, then him running towards the restroom to throw up. And his comeback that was cut short by whatever shocked him even further and his stumbled run towards safety or away from the terror he – Athrun – presented.

The blue-haired boy didn't feel the silent tears that streaked down his face and fell on his now damp trousers. He didn't feel the pain from his short nails being dug in his palms. Time flew by but he was completely unaware of it. In his catatonic state time was an irrelevant variable. It was there for the others, but for him it just slipped around leaving him out.

It was of no importance. Everything was unimportant. He was dead. Dead inside, dead where it mattered the most – in his heart. And dead people didn't get affected by time or pain or tears. They were dead. Just like he was.

That was what his friends encountered when they broke into his apartment an hour after he had left Cagalli filled with worries for him and her brother.

* * *

Okina Raniya – a petite woman with dark brown hair and hazel green eyes – was at her doorstep ready to be picked up. It had taken her less than five minutes, and now she stood and stared at the large hospital that was clearly visible a few blocks away. When she had found out that she would never be able to have children, she had been devastated. What kind of a woman would she be if she couldn't bear children, she was useless that were the words her former husband had used when he dumped her after it was confirmed that she would never become a mother. She had been depressed and broken for a long time until she decided that if she couldn't have children, she would make sure those who could, would be able to enjoy healthy and normal children. With that dedication she gave all her love and conviction to medicine. Now thirty-seven years later, at the age of sixty-six, even though she had retired two years back, she still loved her profession and worked at the hospital if they needed a temporary fill-in for someone who for some reason couldn't come to work. 

She was happy with her life, she had adopted a Coordinator boy, whose parents had been killed in a Blue Cosmos attack, but now that he had grown up and had his own life, she lived mostly alone, but not lonely in her small house.

An ambulance turned in her street and she readied herself. She jumped in and Erica Simmons hit the gas.

"So fill me in, Erica!" Were the first words Raniya said as she fastened the seatbelt and made herself comfortable in the vehicle.

Not taking her eyes off the road and driving at maximum speed, Erica started to lay briefly out the big picture.

"First, I need your word that whatever you hear or witness will never be commented by you with anyone beside me and the patient. Trust me, I know you are discreet, but this is important."

"If you need my word, you have it." was the curt reply. The dark-hired woman stared to worry. It was not typical for her younger friend to be so secretive and to see her driving the ambulance instead of having a driver, which would allow her to concentrate on the patient, that clearly pointed to a strange, if not even a unique, situation. "Now tell me about the patient! I guess that it is about a high-status woman, who is threatened to have an abortion or?"

Erica Simmons sighed and started. "You are partially right, the person is of high-status and is probably threatened by an abortion, but the mother, if I can use this word at all, is male." Sharp intake of breath was all the answer she got. The older woman didn't interrupt her. "The patient is 18-year-old male Coordinator, in the end of the 9th week of his pregnancy. I don't know what his current condition is, but I got a call that he is bleeding. Otherwise he is absolutely healthy, as could be expected by a Coordinator. From what I've been told he is a product of experiments, which explains to some extent his ability to have children." The other woman just nodded at the additional information. "I would request I place him under your care and if possible in your house. I have all the installations that might be needed but the fact is that I just can't hide him in the hospital and with a husband and two children I can't take him home either. So, would you take him?"

"To tell you the truth this is a case that is far too interesting to refuse, and besides there's a baby's life that is in danger. I will take him in and I'll do my best for him and his baby."

All the while the Coordinator woman didn't stop to look for the car that Kira should be in. And then she noticed a car that matched the description that she had. She flashed the lights and honked just in case. The car stopped immediately, which confirmed her suspicion that it was indeed the one she was looking for.

"One last thing," added Erica Simmons as she halted the car, "he is a SEED!" Raniya hummed, acknowledging the last piece of information and the two women exited the ambulance and headed for the car where their patient awaited their help.

* * *

Rey drove down the roads with maximum speed, yet trying his best not to shake the car too much when he needed to change direction. The boy next to him had been unconscious for five minutes already. He didn't dare judge whether that was a bad sign or meant nothing. As he watched the peaceful expression that adorned the femininely beautiful features, he felt a jolt of pity fill him. The boy was not a friend to him, not even a close enough acquaintance to make it explainable, yet somehow he found that he cared for his well-being. That was just the human inside him feeling bad at the sight of another person suffering. He hoped the boy would be alright and for the first time he wished him to be alright not because that was what his Commander wanted and not because that would make his job easier, but just because that would mean the brunet would not be ffeling pain anymore. 

Then the boy stirred and a moan escaped his lips as the cloud of haziness started to lift from his confused mind. His eyes fluttered open and the pain in his midriff immediately reminded him that his baby's life was in danger. This chased away the fog in his mind in no time. He diverted his worried gaze to the boy behind the wheel and asked:

"Did you call Erica Simmons?" Him hands were clenched in fists as he fought both the pain that clenched his insides and the terror that threatened to drive him insane. He kept telling himself that he needed to remain calm and think positively, but it proved rather impossible under the circumstances.

"Yes. She is heading towards us as we speak." Rey hastily replied and extended his arm to prevent Kira from moving. "She asked that you remained immobile, Kira-san. Please don't move."

The amethyst-eyed Coordinator nodded tiredly and just leaned back in the seat. Not that he had any desire on strength to move anyway. His forces were all concentrated on the small life inside him that was fighting the most important battle – that for his life. The pain was now constant and on the verge of being bearable, but not its intensity, but rather the simple fact that he felt it, as well as the oozing of blood through his rectum, spoke more than enough – he was facing the painful, yet real, possibility of losing his baby and the only thread that connected him to life and sanity.

Kira stared through the windshield not really aware where he was being driven to and suddenly his mind concentrated on this information in a desperate attempt to distract himself from the terrible thoughts that otherwise filled him.

"Rey-kun, where are we heading to?" Just as those words exited his mouth an ambulance that flew towards them flashed its lights and honked at which the blond boy suddenly decelerated and halted at the bank.

"Here she is, hold on, Kira-san! This should be Erica Simmons-san! I hope she would be able to help you."

Kira sighed in relief. This was good, Erica-sensei should be able to save his baby. He relaxed and a weak smile almost formed on his face as he heard her voice calling his name.

* * *

"What is it, Cagalli?" 

That was the first question, that the Princess heard as the three Coordinators she had called to help her with Athrun's case entered her apartment. They didn't even bother with greetings. Her voice and face on the vid-phone had been expressive enough and they had guessed something was wrong even before she had asked them to come over to her place as soon as they could. Neither Lacus, nor Dearka or Yzak questioned her summoning. They could recognize an emergency at a glance. And it had taken them less then a half of an hour to come to her. It was a pure coincidence that they had happened to come at the same time.

The question was asked by Lacus. Her usually calm features now bore the expression of a person who knew things were bad and could turn to worse. Her instinct told her so. She had felt this strange pang in her soul ever since the very moment she had realized something was amiss with Kira.

Dearka and Yzak silently turned their attentions to the blond girl and waited for her answer.

"Something happened between Kira and Athrun!" came the rather hesitant reply. "I am not sure how am I supposed to explain to you something I myself can't understand completely, but I'll try to mention at least the highlights."

She extended her arm and gestured to her friends to take a seat. Lacus sat gracefully in one of the armchairs, while Yzak and Dearka took seats on the sofa but they were barely sitting on the very edge, tense and ready to jump at the smallest sign, "Kira is back." Cagalli decided that this would be a good beginning and it was just easier if she started on the story chronologically. "Or more, he should be back, because he had come to the Palace with the intention to talk to Athrun, but as it turned out he didn't." She paused to gather her thoughts and interlaced her hands in her lap to stop her fingers from trembling. She fixed her gaze on her pale hands not looking at the people she was talking to. "He, I mean Athrun, was here at that moment, we had a few issues to clear out. As I found out from Mana some minutes ago, she had directed my brother towards this place, but even though we – that's Athrun and me – know he came here, he never announced his presence. And this is where the real problems begin."

Cagalli lifted her eyes and watched the three Coordinators that faced her and patiently in Lacus' and Dearka's cases and not so patiently in Yzak's, waited for her to make her point.

"Kira had been here, heard or seen something that he didn't like and had left the Palace without any attempt to talk to any of us. We found out thanks to a servant girl and the security cameras. So in short, Athrun is now devastated by Kira's reaction and I think he might need our support." She stopped and looked expectantly at the others.

Lacus seemed perplexed, while Yzak and Dearka exchanged meaningful glances. They wondered did the Princess realize how incomplete and confusing her explanation had sounded.

"Let's go see Athrun!" said the platinum-haired Coordinator, bolted from the sofa and headed for the door, his impatience and not very well concealed concern taking the better of him. Dearka didn't bulge, quite used to his partner's antics and just snapped his hand and held the boy's wrist stopping him from acting impulsively.

"Think reasonably, Yzak! We need to know more!" He said calmly and his lover made an angry face ready to argue, but the blonde Coordinator ignored him and turned to Cagalli instead. "Do you have the camera records now? Can you show them to us?"

The girl looked at him and nodded. "They are on the hard-drive of my computer." The three Coordinators moved closer to the computer ready to see what had been the cause of Kira's aggravation. The Natural browsed the folders and selected the files playing them simultaneously the way she and Athrun had watched them earlier.

"This is where Kira came in" she put in as they came to the moment when Kira entered her apartment. "We were just…"

"Don't!" came Dearka's sudden interruption. "Let us see for ourselves!"

Cagalli opened her mouth to ask why she had been cut off so suddenly when she only wanted to make things clearer, but decided against it and just kept silence. Lacus' face sported a painful expression as she saw Kira running away to throw up and later returning only to run away again.

When the record ended the blonde Coordinator turned to Cagalli and explained. "I am sorry I cut you short so rudely, but we needed to see this from aside, just the way Kira saw it. While you and Athrun can tell us your side of the story, he is not here and the only way to get some idea of his perspective was to watch without any additional information."

As Cagalli expressed her understanding and made it clear she didn't get offended by the interruption, Yzak played the records again this time setting the playback at a slower pace. He touched Dearka's shoulder to draw his attention to the screen and started it again.

Lacus sat behind watching the video-wall silently and thinking that if Kira had seen the things as she had now, he was probably deeply hurt. And the pang of awareness that something had been and most probably still was wrong with the brunet continued to resonate within her.

Everyone saw the short record two more times, the last one with Cagalli's explanation of what she and Athrun had been doing and talking about until finally Dearka stood and said that they should go and see what was going on with Athrun.

But when they reached his apartment he didn't open at their knocking. They tried to open the door but it turned out to be locked. Yzak wanted to break the key code, but Cagalli drew out her ID card, passed it through the slot and typed a code. The door unlocked. The two male Coordinators looked at her rather stunned and she cocked her head aside and explained. "I have a special access to any area in the Palace by a unique code. I have never used it till now." She said the latter sentence guiltily as if she was ashamed she had broken her habit. "But I assumed it would be faster this way. I had no doubt you would've eventually broken the system Athrun and Kira developed, but knowing my brother's software products it would have taken too much precious time."

While the three of them commented on the lock, Lacus silently entered the apartment. The foyer and the living room were empty, so she moved deeper into the living area. She saw the door to Athrun's bedroom was slightly ajar and pushed it open to find the boy she had been looking for sitting on the bed, embracing his knees and swaying back and forth. Her heart screamed at the pain he emanated. It was hurting her to see him in such a state. That was not the Athrun she knew. The person she now faced, was a stranger that seemed lost and lonely.

She went in the room and stood in front of her friend, but he gave no indications that he had noticed her presence. She tried to call his name but he was like a statue, no reaction of any kind. The she delicately touched his pale face to draw his attention to her presence and he finally lifted his head and fixed his eyes on her. What she saw in then broke her heart. They were empty. They looked through her and beyond at something she couldn't see. No sign of recognition indicated Athrun knew who she was, yet his next words proved he had recognized her. But their meaning made her flinch and embrace him, tears running down her cheeks, sharing his pain.

"It's gone, Lacus! The light is gone!" His expression didn't alter, his voice was flat and devoid of any intonation and that frightened her even more. "The rainbow is gone! He took them away!" Such romantic words by a person who usually was so clumsy in expressing his emotions and that made their impact even stronger.

Lacus held him tight and tried to pour some of her warmth and compassion in him, to assure him that no matter what he would not be alone, that he had people that loved and supported him. Yet somehow she didn't think she had achieved any of those.

By that time the others had already come in and they heard those devastated words. And saw just how much Athrun had sunk in desperation.

Yzak caught Athrun by the shoulders and shook him as it often happened with him, not really able to suppress his impulsive nature. "So you are going to give up?" He shouted, not achieving any reaction from his blue-haired friend. He was like a puppet in his hands, not showing any resistance at the harsh treatment or words.

"React, God damn it!" Yzak emotions poured through his aggressive stance and his inability to evoke any reaction made him shout even louder. Lacus sat by Athrun on the bed looked at the blue-eyed Coordinator with teary eyes.

"Let go Yzak" Came Dearka's calm voice, "you won't do any good this way!" He came and stood by the bed so that he would be right in front of Athrun's eyes.

"So, you **_are_** giving up! Won't you fight for your love?" His voice was leveled and composed but he looked his friend straight in the eyes, even if they remained lifeless.

"I lost!" The same expressionless face and flat tone as before accompanied the words. "For the first time I really feel, that I've lost!" He just stared at Dearka but his eyes didn't show any emotion, the only sign that indicated he was alive somewhere deep inside, were the tears that never stopped streaming down his face, but the blonde doubted his friend was aware of them. "He was disgusted…" The voice fell to a barely audible whisper as he went on. "He was so disgusted, that he threw up. He couldn't stomach the very idea that I loved him, that we made love…" He didn't continue. Just rested his head on his knees and stared in the nothing.

Lacus reached and caressed his hair trying to ease his pain, as she pondered on the new revelation. So, they had been together physically. It was not like Kira to do something of the kind if he didn't desire it. While they had been together he had never so much as kissed her really as a boyfriend would, no matter what the others thought. Yet he had slept with Athrun even before they had any real relationship established. That spoke volumes to someone who paid attention to the inner universe of Kira's soul. Didn't the other realize? Didn't Athrun realize?

A quick glance around made her realize, that she was probably the last one to find out. Yet the others didn't understand how important this was. How was it possible? But before she could say anything Dearka continued.

"You know I don't pretend to know what exactly is going on in Kira's head, but I saw the records, and to tell you the truth from a side point of view it looks as if you are proposing to Cagalli." The girl in question looked at him in shock. Athrun's head snapped up and for the first time an emotion livened his features.

"What do you mean?" His voice was also showing that he was paying attention now.

"He saw you take out a ring and Cagalli take it." was the short explanation. The blue-haired boy's face turned into a mask of animated horror. But his blonde friend continued. "I have no idea whether Kira heard any talk between the two of you, but I know that if he thought you proposed to Cagalli and she accepted – and that after you have slept with him – he would back out. He would never try to come between you and his sister. And the two of you have a history, so it is even more natural for him to assume that some old coals caught new fire and you got together again."

Athrun's hands started to search through the disks that lay scattered on his bed looking for the ones that he needed. His clumsy fingers had trouble getting a hold of them. Cagalli watched him struggle with the disks as her mind processed the information that Kira could have possibly come to such a conclusion. She left the room and headed for her apartment, coming back shortly with her laptop, handing it to Athrun.

"Here, you know where the files are." He took it and placed it on the bed, his fingers flying over the keyboard. He played the files again slowly, so that he would be able to see everything carefully and Yzak stepped in with a commentary.

"Didn't you pay attention to the flower? From what I understand he was looking for you, not his sister, so we could safely assume that the flower was for you. I don't think someone disgusted would bring you flowers, and even a simple friend is unlikely to do that. I don't recall seeing him giving you flowers, whatever the occasion." Athrun looked at the white lily, his mother's favourite flower. And Kira knew about it. He was just the kind of person to remember such things.

"Look" this time it was the blonde boy speaking, "he drops the flower as he sees you and he goes out when you take out the ring and Cagalli 'accepts' it." The blue-haired Coordinator followed every movement and change of expression of his beloved. Now that Yzak and Dearka had pointed it out it seemed possible. He needed to find Kira and talk to him, explain him that it was him and him only that he loved and desired.

"Is it possible?" He looked at Lacus, who was probably the person who understood Kira the best.

She placed her hand on one of his and looked at him. "It is." She confirmed. "But I am sure he has some feelings for you if he made love to you. Kira is not someone who would share such an intimacy lightly and then dismiss it. Find him, talk to him. You know, even if things turn out for the worst, at least you would have tried."

Athrun nodded and squeezed her hand in gratitude for her support. He saw the file to the end and looked around at his friends. They had given him hope. Even if their assumptions were wrong, they were still rather logical. He shouldn't give up that easily. He smiled, his tears now gone and thanked them. He was indeed lucky to have such friends.

"Do you think that he would understand if I explained it to him? That he would forgive me for unintentionally hurting him?"

"I don't know" came Yzak's mock reply. "If I ever saw Dearka propose to another person, I…"

"You would skin me alive and claw my liver out!" His boyfriend laughed. "But the fact is that this is Kira, and he would never do anything like that." He looked at Athrun and said "I think he would forgive you anything and he would understand. Just go to him and talk."

Just then Lacus' phone rang ruining the atmosphere. She smiled apologetically and moved aside to answer her phone. It took her a few short silent phrases and then she returned to the others.

"I am sorry to leave you now Athrun, but I think you'll be fine."

With that she left her friend behind and walked to her car wondering what Erica Simmons could need her so urgently and secretly for.

* * *

**А/N:** I do took a lot of time to update, but I promise to update more frequently once my last exam on Jan 26th, is through and over with. Hope you don't think I made Athrun and Cagalli realize their mistake in interpreting Kira's reaction too soon, but I don't mean for this fic to be a comedy of errors. And I didn't want to make them wonder around blindly as it often happens in soaps. I mean even if they are biased towards the situation, the other Coordinators are smart and have a sober view on the situation, so I deem it natural, that they would notice the other possible interpretation of the situation. And trust Yzak to shout his opinion to everyone ;-). 

Many thanks to:

**apchi, Reader, ****Sovereign of Silence3****i love athrun****, gravitation gig, ****animelover6000****Dragon Fairie****s****The New Shinigami Hikari****Aku Youkai****, K, ****xXDooDad On Your HatXx****sketch13****LoveorKill****Jade Cade****Black Magician Girl3**

for reviewing.

* * *


	18. A New Home, a New Life

**Pairings: **Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gundam SEED / Destiny. If I only did… Cagalli and Lacus would have been lonely, while Kira and Athrun would have had eyes only for each other.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments: **This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews would be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews. I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary: **Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try to get closer, the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter EIGHTEEN**

**A New Home, a New Life**

The two cars were as close to each other as possible the back of the ambulance facing the front of his vehicle and one of the women opened the doors and prepared the stretcher that lay inside. Rey watched the two women as they worked quickly and without any unnecessary movements. It was like watching a ballet without the musical accompaniment under the natural light of the bright sun. The romantic comparison that suddenly sprang to his mind made him a bit uneasy, it was not like him, so he mentally scolded himself and returned to reality. He went closer to the medics and introduced himself.

"Hello, I am Rey, Rey Za Burrel. It was me who called to report Kira-san's condition." The two women spared him a stray glance but didn't have the time for polite conversations and just nodded to acknowledge recognition. In the meantime the graceful and confident dance of their hands continued.

"Nice to meet you Rey-kun, but I am sorry, we don't have the time for proper introductions right now," said the woman that the blond Coordinator knew to be Erica Simmons. She looked efficient and collected in her two-part blue hospital attire. The other woman was dressed in a white gown that looked as if it had just been put on. That somehow clashed with the artistic impression that had formed in Rey's mind. "I am Erica Simmons, and this is Okina Raniya-sensei. Now help us to get Kira-kun out of the car-seat and while doing that, tell us everything you witnessed, including things you might consider unimportant." She was curt and commanded him, so the blond boy erected his posture and reacted accordingly.

"Yes, madam!" Nodded Rey and started to explain what he had seen, skipping only the fact that he had followed Kira from the Palace, saying instead that he had just happened to see him running down the streets and then freeze in the middle of a street.

Erica Simmons listened and stored the information in her mind, though for some weird reason, something in the story bugged her, yet she couldn't put her finger on what exactly. But being pressed by time constraints and other circumstances, she dismissed the idea for the moment and concentrated on the issue on hand. She could just be imagining it, anyway, she would think of it some other time.

"…Then he said he was fine and asked me to get him home, which I intended to do, since he promised me to consult a medic as soon as possible, but then he felt some pain in the abdominal area and he literally folded in two. Yet he still insisted he was going to be all right and wouldn't listen to anything I would say, wanting only to go home. Still, things got worse, the pain recurred. He seemed unable to bear it and he asked me to contact you and tell you the words I quoted to you: '_bleeding… losing it… need her… here…_' Then he lost consciousness and I called you."

"How long did he remain unconscious for?" asked the petite brunette woman. Rey didn't know that one so he tried to remember her appearance and made a mental reference to check her identity and personal file as soon as he could. Anyone, that was in contact with the object, had to be closely followed.

"Approximately six to eight minutes when he passed out because of the pain and nine maybe ten the first time, when I got him out of the way of the car." came the confident reply. Erica Simmons acknowledged the new piece of information with a nod.

"When he came to, was he adequate, did he seem lost or confused?" Okina Raniya, asked trying to obtain as much information as it was possible. By that moment the two women were already done with their preparations and were closing the small distance between the ambulance and the van.

"The first time he seemed rather strange and aggressive, absolutely determined not to get any medical help and demanding to go home. But other than that he looked and talked fine. And when he started walking, he was stable and even able to run. The second time he seemed just fine when he came to, as far as consciousness and ability to talk sensibly are concerned. He also followed your instruction not to move without any objections, so I guess one could say that his ability to think rationally was unharmed. And I tried to drive with as little shaking as I could manage and still keep the speed at max."

"Were there other attacks of pain or only the two you told us about?" Asked Erica Simmons as she looked at Kira, who was sitting in the van and watching her with eyes filled with badly concealed horror.

"No!" The blond shook his head "He was fine after he came to the second time." Now that he thought of it, this seemed rather strange. Wasn't abdominal pain constant? Or maybe not? Whatever… Yet, he might look it up later… If he found the time…

"How long did the two pain attacks last, can you make some estimation? At what point after the car accident did the first one occur and then how long was it till the second one?" continued the interrogation.

"Let me think for a second…" Rey paused for a moment and tried to replay the events in his mind. "I'd say the first pain attack was probably 15 to 17 minutes after he came to the first time and then I'd dare guess it reoccurred about 10 minutes later. As for how long they lasted… About 25-30 seconds the first time and a little bit longer the second time until he lost consciousness, but I can't say whether or not the pain continued while he was unconscious."

"OK, thank you, Rey-kun, we really appreciate the help you provided for Kira-kun." Erica Simmons extended her hand and shook his, her grip was confident and strong, almost masculine. She took out a calling card and presented it to the boy. "I am sorry that we had to ruin your schedule, I hope it would not present a problem in your personal life or at work, but should your employer express any displeasure with your actions, please let me know and I'll try to work it out with him. You'll be free to go as soon as we transfer Kira-kun to the ambulance."

Rey could recognize a dismissal when he got one and this was exactly that. He would not be able to track the ambulance to wherever the women might transfer the object and he had to find another way to find out where they would get him.

* * *

Meanwhile Kira watched and listened through the opened door, but didn't dare move. If Erica-sensei wanted him immobile, he would listen to her and wouldn't question her actions. She knew better than him what to do and he wouldn't dare put his unborn child at any risks, at least not if he could avoid them. The little creature had already faced too much pain and he was not about to add to that. The only thing he did was to remove the seat belt, so that it would be easier to get him out. 

But he instantly noticed the other woman that accompanied Erica Simmons. This got him worried. He knew that his friend and doctor would never betray his trust and would always do what is best for both him and the baby, but he couldn't help the desire to keep his unusual condition an utmost secret. The pains in his abdomen had eased for the moment reducing to just annoying dull pain and he had started to hope that things might not be that bad, but he could still feel something trickling out of his rectum and that kept him in a constant state of barely controlled horror.

The three got to him and Erica-sensei smiled at him. The door was opened and the woman greeted him.

"Hello, Kira-kun, would you be able to get off the van slowly and carefully?" She extended her hand to him in case he needed additional support.

The brunet nodded and started to move carefully. The height of the van, that had never been an issue before, now seemed enormous and he couldn't jump as he was used to. Rey held the door to prevent it from closing as Kira used the door-handle for support. His feet trembled and he felt as if he might fall any time, and he was quite sure that it was not so much due to physical problem as to a mental one. The bright rays of the sun blinded him and spots in all the colours of the rainbow flashed in his vision. He tried to collect himself, steady his legs and concentrate his eyesight. It was the least appropriate time to trip and fall. He was almost surprised that his body listened to him as his vision cleared and his legs started to obediently follow the signals that his brain sent to them and he safely stepped on the ground.

* * *

Letting go of the door while the two women were concentrated on Kira Yamato, Rey used the time to take out of his pocket a small tracking device and considered where would be the best place to put it. It wouldn't do to put it somewhere where it could be noticed or accidentally disposed of before he had found out the final destination of the ambulance, so the clothes and the stretcher were off, he would put it on the ambulance, but he couldn't bend down and place it without acting strange and that might raise suspicions, something he would rather avoid. Small lapses of concentration sometimes tended to be what ruined otherwise perfectly laid plans. He was running out of time and he had no idea what to do. Not one to rely on luck, this time Rey hoped that fate would aid him and he would be able to place the electronic bug before it became too late.

* * *

It took Kira only a few short steps and he was at the ambulance, climbing in carefully and lying on the stretcher that was prepared inside. Erica Simmons climbed in right after him, followed by the woman, whose name he was yet to learn. His friend and confidant turned to close the doors of the ambulance and before she did so, she looked at the blonde boy that had brought her patient. 

"Thank you, Rey-kun. Have a nice day!"

That was the opportunity the youth needed. A smile that the others would probably consider to be just a polite gesture appeared on his young face.

"Iie, I am glad I was of help. Kira-san, please get well soon." He bowed deeply and it took him only a moment to place the small, magnetic bug on the down side of the bumper at the back of the vehicle. Shinn would take another car that would not arise any suspicion and confirm the place where the object was to be taken to. With that his job was done.

Kira only dared lift his head and nodded slightly expressing his gratitude. "Thank you, Rey-kun."

Erica Simmons waited to see that the blond had started the engine and taken off before she closed the door and immediately turned her undivided attention to her patient. She helped him take off his shirt and he remained bare-chested. She started to check his vitals putting a small device on his index finger and the monitor behind her came to life. Next she stuck electrodes to his chest and the ECG also appeared on the screen.

She recited the vital stats as she was used to, even if her colleague could see them by just turning her head.

Meanwhile the other woman, that Kira was yet to be introduced to, started to unbutton his trousers. He felt uneasy, having some unknown woman undressing him. The brunet knew she only saw him as an object, a patient, but for some reason that didn't help the matter. It still remained weird feeling her fingers brushing his most intimate areas, even if their movements were efficient and strictly professional. She indicated for him to elevate his hips, so that she would be able to take the clothing off and he obliged, but couldn't prevent the slight blush that coloured his sides. The woman either didn't notice or was wise enough to pretend so, instead she cast him a glance and smiled at him. She obviously understood his uneasiness and introduced herself.

"Kira-kun, we don't know each other and I regret that we had to meet under such unfortunate circumstances. My name is Okina Raniya, I am a doctor and my specialty is Gynecology, which is the reason why Erica-sensei here contacted me. I give you my word, that your secret is safe with me." As she spoke she continued her work and soon Kira found himself naked. Luckily he didn't feel cold, not with ORB's weather that was almost always nice and warm. She extended her hand and Kira took it, yet the odd feeling of shaking hands with a woman that had just took off his clothing was still present in the back of his mind. But he knew that his number one priority at the moment should not be himself and not even the pain in his chest that could overcome any physical pain that had been or would ever be inflicted upon him, what mattered now was the well-being of his child. And for that he was ready to subject himself to things even more embarrassing than a medical examination by some strange woman. Especially considering the fact that the woman was someone that Erika-sensei trusted…

"Nice to meet you, Raniya-sensei." Kira felt her motherly touch help him relax and diminish his discomfort about his naked state.

Okina Raniya carefully inspected the brunet's underwear to evaluate just how much he had bled and sighed in relief when she only noticed a few small pinkish spots. The discharge was not bright red and showed no traces of clots or tissue, which meant that things might not be grave. Yet she still needed to examine her patient and find out the reasons for the cramps. Normally such insignificant bleeding was not accompanied by pain and even if it was, it was not supposed to be so severe that someone, especially a battle-hardened veteran Coordinator, would faint from it. That really worried her. She had to walk through unexplored lands here. She could only hope that this boy's pregnancy would not differ greatly from the average pregnancy of a woman or she would be at a complete loss of what to do and how to act.

She needed some information that she couldn't get from the other boy – Rey. "Kira-kun what did you feel first – the pain or the bleeding?"

"The pain came first. After the second sharp pain came the bleeding." She controlled her features. She had learned to a long time ago and was happy that her face didn't show how deeply she was troubled by the news. Unfortunately she didn't think that to be a good sign.

"And can you tell me, or better show me where the pain was located?"

Kira looked at her and then said. "I don't know it was as if my whole abdomen hurt, as if someone was squeezing it."

That didn't really make any sense for Raniya and she would bet that the confusion that she felt was shared by her colleague. She needed to know more. "OK, but was there a place that the pain was sharper or lasted longer?"

"I don't know, I don't think so." The brunet was confused, he really couldn't say exactly. At that point his mind had been concerned only about the possible loss of his baby and all other information had been secondary, even his own suffering.

The older doctor realized that the boy was not able to give her more specific information and decided to move on to other questions. "And how did you feel after you woke up the first time, was there any pain? Were you hit anywhere?"

At the sudden change of direction of the conversation Kira looked confusedly at the woman and replied. "Тhere was some dull pain in my left side, but it was just a minor problem. Nothing serious. I've been hurt worse during the war."

Raniya carefully observed and palpated the boy's abdomen and paid attention to the already formed purplish bruise on his side. But luckily the skin was not torn so it would heal fast. And judging by the bruise the chances of any internal damage was low, thank God for small favours. She would see where this would lead. But what she heard and saw could not explain the abdominal pain the boy had described. She had to continue using all the technical advances that aided the contemporary medicine and hope that they would help her understand what was going on, so that she could take the appropriate action and help the brunet keep his pregnancy.

He was in the middle of his third month of gestation, so the embryo should, in case everything was fine, be visible and if the heart rate showed no abnormalities, his chances of keeping the baby would be significant. Yet the uterus was still rather low in the pelvic cavity so it would be of help if he had some collection in his bladder.

"Kira-kun, when did you last visit the toilet and what amount of liquids have you drank since then?"

The amethyst-eyed Coordinator didn't know the reason for the question and couldn't get the connection to his current condition, but replied anyway. He would find out the reason sooner or later. "When I got up, about 4 hours ago. And I have probably drunk about half a liter since then."

"OK, thank you. Now I am going to examine the condition of your uterus using an ultrasound." She had the habit of explaining her actions in order to avoid any stress if the patient was surprised by the procedure she (normally) would undergo.

She reached for the portable ultrasound device and took the transducer in one hand in the meantime squeezing with the other some gel on the patient's abdomen and then she started to press the transducer of the ultrasound in the lower abdomen looking at the small screen where the visuals appeared, not forgetting to tell the boy how to breathe and when to hold his breath. She sighed in relief when she found what she was looking for. The embryo seemed not to be under any stress, which was a good sign. The CFD(1) was also within the norm. She relaxed and decided to let the boy know that things seemed to be as good as possible under the circumstances. Rhythmic sound filled the small space of the ambulance. Kira looked at her questioningly. She smiled to let him know things were just fine.

"What you hear now is the heart rate of your baby. And it is one normal healthy beat." She smiled even wider as she watched the boy's reaction.

Kira's eyes widened in surprise and realization of the meaning of those words. 'Normal and healthy'. Normal and healthy…

Those words replayed in his mind as he rejoiced that he had not lost his baby, his only love, his anchor to life and sanity. His mind and heart insisted that Athrun should have shared that beautiful moment with him, but he had given up on this miracle and now he was alone. Sudden anger rose in his chest against the cruel rejection and the injustice of life, that he and his baby should be left alone. Yet the rhythmic sound that assured him that his baby, his tiny in size, yet enormous in significance, personal reason to live and be happy was fine. He decided to forget about Athrun just as the blue-haired boy had forgotten about him, to reject him, just as he had rejected their child. His whole being concentrated on the calming and surpassing any symphony sound of his baby's heartbeat. And out of nowhere tears pooled in Kira's eyes and before he could stop them, they started to stream down his temples and cheeks. He lifted his hand to brush them away and tried to stop them, but it wouldn't work. Confused and a bit ashamed of his sudden burst of emotions he apologized.

"I am sorry, I just can't stop crying, but I am fine really. I don't know why this is happening to me." The small streams continued to flow down his face and all he could do was to rub them off.

Both women looked each other and smiled with knowing smiles. Somewhere in the back of their respective minds was the same thought – 'it's nice to know that at least one man can find out what women go through with a pregnancy'. Erica Simmons took pity on him and explained. "Don't worry, Kira-kun, it is normal. The hormonal disbalance in your organism is the reason for the sudden mood swings. You'll probably have similar sudden and strong reactions to seemingly small events. Just let it vent out. Don't try to stop it." The brunet looked at her with a rather doubtful face but kept his opinion to himself. He had of course heard of the supposed mood swings of the pregnant women, but he was not some sissy.

The petite brown-haired woman handed the transducer to her younger colleague. "Here, you check his other internal organs. You are better than me in that area." The Coordinator nodded and moved to examine the condition of Kira's other abdominal organs. Luckily all of them were normal and unharmed. She cleaned the gel from his belly and covered the boy with a sheet.

With that done there was only one more examination that Kira had to endure. And it was the one that was bound to make him feel most uncomfortable.

* * *

Rey sat at the table and watched the ambulance. He had parked the van in a nearby underground car-park and had come back on foot to monitor the ambulance and wait. He had also called his superior to inform him of the latest developments of the situation. Shinn was on his way here and if the ambulance remained in place for ten more minutes the black-haired Coordinator would be able to follow it all the way. Of course the raven-haired boy would not drive right behind it as they did in the movies. That would be too obvious and in their case rather pointless. He would drive down parallel streets and change direction in accordance with the signal from the tracking device only from time to time getting closer just to verify that the bug did its job. At the final destination he would make sure to put some other bug that would not just mark the place but if possible even register and record noises. They had not been able to try that one at the object's home, since he had too good a security system to even attempt it. Later they would resume their normal duty of silent observation. 

The blond boy raised his cup of coffee and tasted the bitter beverage. Now that he didn't have anything he could do, his mind could run free and reassess the situation he had been unexpectedly thrown into. The whole series of strange reactions from people that just didn't seem the type to overreact made him wonder if there was something more to the object than what met the eye and what he had been told.

His Commander had been…, normally for any other person he would have used the word 'worried', yet that was just an emotion he had troubles to connect with Gilbert Dullindal. Still that was exactly what he had sounded like.

And now that he had met and talked with Erica Simmons his opinion of her, based on her file, had been confirmed. She was a tough lady. If she had been stressed over the boy's condition, then she definitely had her reasons. He decided that one way or another, he would need to find out what kind of examinations she had done to the boy two weeks earlier and most importantly get his hands on the results. And he intended to read them thoroughly and learn what was going on.

* * *

Okina Raniya reached for the two appendages on both sides of the stretcher. But stopped and looked at Erica Simmons silently asking her who should explain to the boy the procedure that was about to take place. The younger woman nodded and addressed the brunet. 

"Kira-kun, we need to evaluate the condition of your uterus and cervix as well as see if there is any softenig, how's the bleeding and some other things. But the procedure is a bit unpleasant and since I am not a specialist and I had the information I needed, the last time I spared you that part of the examination. Yet now it can't be avoided." She looked at the boy to see how he was reacting to her words, which were rather vague at that point. He had finally stopped crying and now was looking at her with a combination of curiousity and what looked like fear in the face of the unknown. He met her gaze bravely though and just asked.

"Tell me please, what are you referring to?"

"First we will have to look at your cervix and see its condition using a speculum." She showed him the table with sterile instruments, but didn't touch anything. "What will have to be done is Raniya-sensei here will have to insert a speculum in your rectum and then open it, to make the inside of it visible, thus being able to see your cervix and find out if there is any blood collection that had not been secreted. It is practically an equivalent of a gynecologic examination but in this case it would be rectal."

Kira listened carefully and with each word his face grew hotter and redder. He knew what a gynecologic examination was, he had read about it in the books he had taken with him, but somehow he had never associated that procedure with himself and his condition. And now, while he understood that it was important and that it was for the best of both him and his baby, it was just a bit too bizarre for him to accept. He tried to adjust his attitude or just consider it something normal, but it wouldn't work. He was aware that his feelings could be read on his face, the heat he felt being so strong that if a man could self-combust that would be him. In a vain attempt to lessen his uneasiness he looked aside and concentrated his gaze on the monitor that displayed his ECG. The pointy ever changing diagram was not really interesting or meaningful for him, but it was an excuse not to look any of the women in the eyes.

"Kira-kun, do you understand and will you let Raniya-sensei examine you? You know we can't do anything without your consent, but I think you realize that this is important."

Kira nodded still looking at the monitor. But remained silent and his body language betrayed his unwillingness.

Erica Simmons tried again. "While waiting is undesirable, it is still possible. So would you feel better if I call Athrun-kun and ask him to come here, to support you?"

Kira's body stiffened for a moment and his vital signs suddenly changed betraying his stress even before he faced her and opened his mouth to force a single word out.

"**_NO!_**"

Kira himself jumped at the shout and the tone of his refusal and closed his mouth. Yet the echo of his outburst continued to reverberate in the limited space of the ambulance and to ring in his ears. He couldn't believe that his own feelings had surfaced so easily and had become that obvious. His mind was in haze, still refusing to understand how anyone can defy any kids with the ease _he_ had. It was not as much the fact that _he_ had betrayed Kira's love and with his own twin-sister, that was easier to accept, but the complete defying of the kid they had created was what had really killed something inside him.

He tried to gain control of his emotions and started again, this time making sure that his voice wouldn't show anything of what was boiling inside him.

"No. But thank you for offering. He and I broke up. He doesn't know about the child and I don't intend telling him. I rely on your word that you won't tell him or anyone else." The two women looked at each other and a wave of concern passed between them. Even for a woman it was not easy to go through a pregnancy without support, especially a pregnancy that might be complicated, and to think that he wanted to go through all of it alone without any help from friends. Without his partner…

And then it all happened again…Kira felt it… the overwhelming pain that seemed to wash over his senses with the sweeping power of a tsunami. He panted and his face contorted as he fought the pain and the fear it brought upon him.

The doctors reacted immediately. Okina Raniya touched the brunet's abdomen and felt that all the muscles of the abdominal wall had contracted, making it rigid.

"Put a tourniquet on his arm." she ordered Erica Simmons, who did that instantly, while the Natural woman grabbed a syringe and a needle aspirated the content of a phial and swiftly inserted it into Kira's vein. Then wasting no time, she grabbed the transducer and started to examine what was going on inside the boy's abdomen. It was not easy with the resistance of the muscles but that was her chance and she couldn't miss it. What she saw made no sense and had she not witnessed it firsthand she would have never believed it. All the internal organs of the abdomen had been engaged in a spasm, yet the uterus was not a part of that. The CFD didn't lie. The blood-flow towards the embryo had not altered in the least. This was absurd and she was shocked to see it, yet there it was in front of her eyes. The brunet endured the pain even though it made him clench his teeth and tears collected in the angles of his eyes. The Coordinator woman timed the length of the spasm. Finally it eased and she said aloud that it had lasted for 35 seconds.

Okina Raniya could only guess that the peculiar organism of Kira-kun protected the baby even in such a situation when all other organs were under stress. However this made all her diagnostic attempts so far go to waste. She never expected this, but the reaction the boy had had, indicated that the reason for the spasms was not the pregnancy. So the bleeding and the pains were most probably not so much due to an imminent abortion, as to a psychosomatic reaction to mental stress. And if the situation the last attack had occurred in was any indication, it was probably connected with that Athrun person that Erica Simmons had mentioned. The information made her relax and tense at the same time.

While they as doctors could control most of the physical factors that concerned Kira-kun, they had no power to affect his mind. So they would have to make the impossible to prevent the boy from any stress and keep him as relaxed as possible. Just in case the other woman had not understood what was going on, she voiced her discovery.

"It seems to be psychosomatic." Kira's face indicated he understood her words, so she continued in detail. If he already made out part of the things it was better to make everything clear. "I'd dare guess there has been some distressing situation lately – maybe today?" she looked at the boy for confirmation and he nodded. "And that was such a shock that he couldn't process it and get over the matter so it stayed pending. When the topic is somehow touched the stress it causes is released in the form of a psychosomatic reaction that causes a spasm of the smooth muscles in the abdominal area, yet for some reason the muscles of the uterus are not engaged. I have no idea why it is so, but it is probably an unconscious way of protecting the embryo. Or just a specific feature of his specific organism… While this is a good thing, we'll have to do our best to avoid such occurrences in the future.

Erica Simmons had known (having met and talked to the boy after her husband had brought him back from the island the previous day) that the brunet had intended to tell his lover about his rather unique condition that very day and she could only guess what had happened between the two teenagers that had led to the separation and the painful determination at being alone that rang in Kira's voice, no matter how well he controlled himself.

"OK, Kira-kun." She addressed the boy who needed to be distracted from his emotional suffering and she decided that the procedure would do the trick. And it still needed to be performed. Its informative value could not be replaced by anything any machine could provide. "I understand and I won't insist, do you want me to call anyone else, or do you want to continue straight away with the procedure I described to you?"

The brunet was already prepared to object if any of the women insisted on _his_ presence, so he was left without a balance so to say and he closed the mouth he had already opened, the protest that he had thought up dying on his lips and he somehow resembled a fish taken out of the water. Both women were content to see that the boy was distracted and was calming down as his vitals indicated.

Kira calmed down and switched his mind to the matter at hand, namely the procedure that was to take place. He was still not comfortable with the though of what he had to go through, but then he realized that women had to go through such manipulations every time they visited their personal gynecologists and his admiration for them rose by another notch.

He looked at each woman for a second and then nodded his agreement. "I guess that if it is needed and is the best for the baby, I really have no choice. What exactly am I supposed to do?" His voice was stable and composed yet some distant accords of insecurity still betrayed the boy's fear of what he had to endure.

Okina Raniya reached once again for the two additions that were attached to the sides of the stretcher. She had been surprised when she had first seen them, as they were not usual, but obviously her younger colleague had really tried to provide for any possible development. She released the handles, elevated the stirrups and locked them. Then she started to give instructions how the boy was supposed to position himself.

In less than five minutes the whole ordeal was over and Kira was safely tucked under the sheet.

"It seems that the case is the most favorable for us. I guess that if the bleeding stops in the next 24 hours everything will be fine. But I'd say it would be best if you stay in bed for at least two days. While it has not been proved that lying helps, it certainly doesn't hurt, so I think that would be our best shot."

"And what if the bleeding doesn't stop or if those spasms recur?" Kira hated the very thought of either of those situations, but he thought it would be better if he knew what to expect in either case.

"Now," This time Okina Raniya paused for a second to organize her thoughts and to find the best way to say the possible complications if such cases turned reality. "Even if the bleeding continues, it is very insignificant, and if the heartbeat of the baby is fine, you'll be able to keep the pregnancy, but honestly, I expect the best development in this particular case, because the examination of your cervix didn't show anything distressing." She paused again and inhaled deeply then exhaled and continued. "As far as the abdominal pains are concerned, since the uterus is not engaged, I don't expect that they would have any negative effect, but still I injected you a spasmolytic. Plus I have to tell you that I've seen female victims of car-crashes that had half of their bones broken and yet the baby they carried was fine and unharmed. It really is a miracle how the organism of a mother can protect the growing life within."

"Won't the drug harm the baby?" Kira was concerned. Pretty much everybody knew that pregnant women should avoid taking drugs.

"Don't worry." She looked him in the eye to convince him that she didn't keep anything from him. "The contemporary medicine had advanced a lot and we have a variety of drugs that are completely harmless to both the mother and the child. Yet, the memory of past tragic cases still scare the young parents."

The brunet sighed in relief and now that he had gone through the procedure and been assured that his condition was as good as it could be expected under the circumstances, he let his curiousity take the better of him.

"Raniya-sensei, may I ask you a question?"

The woman looked at him and smiled. "Of course, if there's anything that worries you or you don't understand, asking is the best way to fix the problem."

"Well from what I've overheard from girls talking about gynecological examinations…" he paused and a pink colour painted his cheeks "the doctor usually uses his hands, you know…" he knew what he wanted to say, but he just couldn't force himself to say the words. It was so strange. Why did he have to bring that up? But now that he had started, he'd better continue. "… I mean, touch inside…" He just couldn't say more and his cheeks felt on fire once again.

Both women understood him and tried to keep their faces straight and not to laugh at the uneasiness and inability of the boy to put in words his question.

"Kira-kun, yes, normally the doctor would use his hands to examine the form and position of the uterus as well as some other things, putting two fingers in the vagina and the other hand on the abdominal wall, but when there is a threat of abortion it is deemed that such actions might further trigger the process and it is best to be avoided if possible. Luckily the medical installation that we have available gives us enough additional information."

Kira nodded and thanked for the explanation. It was good that Erica-sensei had asked that woman for help. Now he was glad that a specialist would be following his pregnancy. He felt that he could trust the woman and that really made him feel at ease.

* * *

"I think that we should leave now" Came Erica Simons' voice. "Kira-kun, how would you like to stay at Raniya-sensei's place for the time being, since I can't leave you alone, nor can I take you to a hospital for observation? She lives alone in a small house, so no one will find out anything about you." 

Kira considered the situation. That was a good idea. He was seen by people in the Palace, so at some point everyone who cared would know he was back and might come to look for him. He looked at the woman in question and asked her "Raniya-sensei, are you sure I won't bother you?"

"Of course not, Kira-kun. I'd be happy to have some company and take care for another expecting mother…" she looked at him and corrected herself "… person."

"Than I will gladly accept your offer." He thought a little, "but there are things that I will need. And I can't go to my apartment to get them. Do you think you can arrange for someone to bring them over?" As he said that the brunet looked at Erica Simmons since she knew where he lived and could probably help him.

She nodded "I'll see what I can do." But now let's get moving. She moved to the front of the ambulance leaving Okina Raniya to monitor Kira at the back.

After she started the engine and took off she pulled her phone and dialed a number. Once the receiver was picked she carefully not to be heard at the back told Lacus Clyne that someone needed her help. She suspected that the boy at the back might not be happy with her decision, at least not at first, but he needed support and help and she couldn't think of anyone that was better for that than the young pink-haired girl.

* * *

_"I am sorry to leave you now Athrun, but I think you'll be fine."_

Lacus closed the door behind her back and headed for her car. The day was strange and something told her, that things might actually turn out even stranger before the sun set. She walked with her usual light and floating stride while the phone call she had received a few minutes earlier replayed in her mind. It was peculiar to say the least. Erica Simmons had called and…

**flashback**

_The phone rang and Lacus discreetly moved aside. She looked at the caller's ID and saw that it was Erica Simmons. That made her remember those horrible days of waiting and hoping that Kira would be fine._

_"Hello, Erica-sensei?" The voice that came on the phone was muted, but still audible._

_"Lacus-san, I am sorry to bother you, but unfortunately it's an emergency and I need your support. Are you alone at the moment?" the voice on the other side was composed and calm, but the pink-haired Coordinator knew that the woman had been through her fair share of dire situations and could remain calm under stress. She was also well aware, that the doctor would not use the word 'emergency' if the case was not really urgent and important._

_"No, I am not. I am currently with Cagalli, Athrun, Yzak and Dearka at the Residential Palace. Is that of importance?"_

_"Well, yes, it is. I need you not to show in any way that you are talking to me." A brief pause obviously intended to give the girl time to process the information. "I need you to come to an address, but please, promise me that whatever you might witness there will not go any further. I need your trust and silence, for the sake of a person that is very important and fragile at the moment. Can I rely on you?"_

_Lacus was perplexed. Erica Simmons had never acted that strange but she probably had reasons for her current behaviour. Yet why had the woman decided to entrust her with the secret, whatever it was. She made up her mind. If she was needed, she should help. She would find out what exactly was going on and why was she the one to be sought out when the time was right._

_"I'll keep silent on the matter and I'll help you within my abilities. Where should I go?"_

**end of flashback**

The songstress started the engine and loaded the address she was given in the car computer, since she didn't know the street. The machine projected the shortest way to the point and Lacus took off.

The conversation had left her afraid. The short and cryptic dialogue somehow resembled the countless ones she had had during the war while she had been running and hiding form Patric Zala and his followers. The talks were just as vague and could not give any leads to a person that might accidentally overhear them. That _important and fragile person_ was obviously of great significance to Erica Simmons. Yet the woman probably had other people she could turn to, even Cagalli was closer to her, yet for some, known only to her reason, she had chosen her – Lacus… Could that mean that the person in question was one that she knew?

She turned the car in accordance with the instruction of the car computer and soon found herself in the area of the hospital where Kira had been admitted to. This made her remember the awkward situation that Athrun was in. She wondered if he will be able to find Kira and convince him that everything he could have witnessed had been nothing more than a misunderstanding and whether the brunet would believe him.

She took the last turn and decelerated to be able to see the numbers of the small houses that stood by the street. As she pulled at the address she had been given she didn't get off the car. She just dialed Erica Simmons' number as she had been instructed. While she waited for her, she examined the surroundings. It was a prestigious neighborhood with family houses that were away from each other and separated by well kept fences and lots of trees. The house she had stopped at was surrounded by a wall as well and she couldn't see beyond it.

A few minutes later the woman got out of the small door by the bigger car entrance and gestured for her to get out of the car. Lacus did so and greeted the doctor.

"It is really nice to meet you again Erica-sensei. How can I be of any help to you?"

The woman looked at her for a second and then smiled. "Remember your promise! Not a word or even a hint to anyone about what you are about to learn." The pink-haired girl nodded in confirmation. Then the older Coordinator looked the younger one in the eyes and silently added. "It is not I that need your help, Lacus-san, it is Kira-kun who does…"

* * *

(1) CFD – Colour-flow Doppler. It is a way to evaluate the umbilical blood flow and thus determine the fetus' health and nutrition.

* * *

**Author's notes:** Ok, after the long wait, here it is the next chapter. I hope that the medical references are not too boring or far too many. 

I am grateful to all the people who helped me with explanations of the medical part, as well as to the writers of a few textbooks I used for further help. It would take too much to mention all of them, but I still wish to thank them in general.

But please be aware that I am adapting a few things as I wish them to be and not as they currently are. As you can easily guess, it would be logical that a civilization that has advanced enough to create MS's, to manipulate the genes, to have artificial wombs and to clone people, would most likely be far more advanced in terms of medicine, so I'll assume that things which are not possible in our real life, are quite possible in the C.E. universe.

Also I am sorry it was five months since chapter 17, but real life got the better of me. But rest assured that in no way would I drop this fic. I'll write it to the very end. Also sorry that I didn't reply to the registered reviewers, but I really had very little computer time. But thank you:

**M, apchi, animelover6000, Wildbookaddict, Sovereign of Silence3, reader, gravitation gig, Jade Cade, fallen angel of silence, The New Shinigami Hikari, Full Metal Andy, Puppyboy Benji, Silvermane1, furin-a, lilplayer, heeroxduosdaughter, Kitten-To-Cat-uncatlikedevil, Blue weary black angel, yingyangdragon, Decapitated Marshmallow, AlChEmyOtAkU4EvEr, onlooker, Sara Morosan, yukia-chan, Cin, KagomeGirl21, Yumi-wuves-YAOI, WritingOnAFullMoon, Gale Readman**

for taking time to drop me a few words. It really means a lot to me. Till next time! Ja ne!


	19. The Wind Blows Us Apart

**Pairings:** Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gundam SEED / Destiny.

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments:** This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews would be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews. I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary:** Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try to get closer, the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter NINETEEN**

**The Wind Blows Us Apart**

Kira was alone in the room, which Okina Raniya had said had once been her son's, but was now unoccupied since he had been living and working on September 3 for quite some time.

She had added that it was the most comfortable and sunny room in the house and he should feel fine there.

Erica Simmons had excused herself since someone had called her on the phone needing her and she had promised to take care of his blood analyses (she had gotten some blood samples from him, to check further on his condition), so she wouldn't be around for some time, and he had asked Raniya-sensei to give him some time to rest.

It was not rest he had in mind however. There was too much going on in his mind and he desperately needed to organize his thoughts and come to some decisions, no matter how hard that might be. He understood that if he didn't resolve his problems or at least push them far back enough in his mind, it would be him and maybe even his kid that would suffer and the latter was the very last thing he needed or wanted.

Kira lay in the bed he was assigned and carefully explored his surroundings.

It was a beautiful room with a lot of natural light and enough space. But that was not what made him feel good about it. It was the family atmosphere that streamed from all the small details. The shabby old teddy-bear missing one ear that sat on one of the shelves, the countless photographs of a boy, showing his development from a toddler through a naughty teenager and to a handsome young man… They all showed that this house had been and still was full of love.

He stared at the ceiling. He had not missed that the pics showed no father figure for the boy, so the brunet assumed that either Raniya-sensei was a widow or she was divorced. This didn't bother him one bit, what interested him was the fact that she seemed to have brought her son up on her own. Just like he would probably have to do with his child.

Absentmindedly he looked at his chest where the electrodes were stuck and were connecting him to one the machines that Erica-sensei had provided for monitoring his stats. He was stunned that the woman had gone thus far in making sure he had all he might need just in case anything happened with him that might endanger his pregnancy. He himself had thought only about the pleasant side of it. Now he wondered if that was how it was usually that future parents only wished to see and think of the good parts connected with the nine-month long waiting for of the fruit of their love.

It was kind of funny that even when he threw up on mornings he still only thought of the good things, that it was mostly normal, that it would come to pass and that after all he was going to be a parent, a parent of _his_ child, of their child.

But Fate had laughed in his face, hadn't she? And what was more, _he_ had too…

The fact that he thought of Athrun brought the fear that the pain in his heart might again take a physical form and threaten his little darling, but he just needed to work things out for himself. Where he was now in his life and how and where he was heading. Once again he was facing crossroads of life and again he had little time to make his choice, a choice that was bound to determine his future actions and through that his further life and that of his child.

The only thing he knew for certain was the he didn't want to see _him_, not in the near future, and probably not even until after the baby was born. And if he had to be honest with himself he didn't want to see Cagalli either. While he kind of understood that she didn't know of her brother's feelings towards _him_ and that she might still harbour some lingering feelings towards the blue-haired Coordinator, he couldn't help, but feel betrayed. It was a sensible feeling, probably even a too drastic one, but Kira just needed time to get over that. He didn't blame her, she was the least guilty of the three of them. He admitted to some extent his own guilt. He had left, he had needed time to accept his own weirdness and the fact that his dream of love with _him_ had not been so impossible, but maybe it was once again a wishful thinking. No matter what he thought the fact remained, he was here and _he_ was now with his twin.

Yet, _he_ had made love to him. Or had it really been love? Maybe _he_ had just needed sex and had simply grasped the first possibility. No, Kira didn't want to think about that. He preferred to think that this one night he had been loved, even if that was not the truth, he still preferred to deceive himself. He wanted this memory to remain untainted in his mind. He wanted to believe that the child that he carried was a fruit of love and devotion, even if those feelings were something that had been there for just one single night. That was it, that night what he and … _him_ had shared had been love. Period.

He wondered for a second how Cagalli could accept _him_ knowing that he desired no kids. His hands rested on his own abdomen and caressed the small life within. This was a miracle that everyone deserved to experience.

That thought brought back the painful memories of _his_ harsh and final words about not wanting kids, not needing them.

Some tensing in his abdomen alarmed him that probably it would be better if his mind changed this line of thought. But still, there were things to be considered and he tried his best to relax, to let go of the pain and regret that would bring him nothing good.

He closed his eyes and the thought of the one thing that made him feel good and relaxed – his child.

Then the rational part of his mind stepped in too to save him and to provide ideas of what to do next.

From whatever perspective he looked at it he only had one choice at the moment – the only solution for him was to disappear. To get away and hide until the baby was born and he had recovered. But he didn't intend to live away from ORB and the friends he had made, just because he had not gotten what he wanted, he had learned that one rarely got what one wanted, the way one wanted it. And that meant that he would need to come up with an explanation later about where had the baby come from. He couldn't simply say that he had given birth, firstly no one would believe him, and secondly even if for some weird reason someone did, it would still lead to the logical questions of how the hell that was possible and who the other parent was, something he wonted to avoid at all cost.

Luckily he had the perfect excuse right in his hands – his fictional beloved Ai. He would turn her into the baby's mother. But that would require much more work on her profile, than he had bothered to do till that point. And in order to do that he would need his laptop.

Thinking of what he needed he realized that he would have to get his stuff from his house as soon as possible that he also needed money. That was a bigger problem. First of all, he could do nothing about that till the next day, no bank-office worked on Sundays, and to add to that he was supposed to lie. Well, maybe if he got his laptop he could use online transfer, but he didn't trust this method. He knew how easy it was to track down bank transfers and he had no desire to mess with that bank, since ultimately it would be the bank that would suffer along with all its clients. He was not that type of a person. No, the best was if he got all the money on hand and then no one, not even Athrun or Cagalli with all their abilities, infinite connections and access to everywhere would be able to track down his financial operations.

And there was the fact that his money was not that much. He had had a good wage as a high-ranked member of the ORB military and he had little expenses, considering that the house he lived in was a gift from his sister, so he had savings, but still he didn't have endless amount of money. Then he remembered the account that Cagalli had created, she had transferred some of her own trust-fund money for his exclusive use even if he had fervently opposed the idea. While the very thought of using the money made him sick he knew that if the choice was between his own stupid pride and his child's wellbeing the decision was clear.

Those were the little things that had suddenly grown to present big problems.

He guessed he would later have to ask Erica Simmons to go to his apartment and get his stuff, most importantly Torii and his laptop, and she would also have to clear the memory of his phone just in case. He had earlier implied that Ai's phone was there, and while it was not (and how could it be if she never existed in the first place), it was still safer to clear all evidence. The photographs in his room also had to be removed.

He knew Cagalli – once she lost her temper there was nothing that could stop her. She would have his apartment broken into and he didn't want her to find out something that was none of her business. He asked himself if he put too much importance of himself thinking that they would look for him, but then scolded himself. They might have messed up his love, but he knew that on another level both of them loved him and cared for him. It was just not in the way he would have preferred. And that made things worse, because he couldn't hate them, and hating was so much easier. Still he was not sure how much he could honestly love them either.

He started to make a mental list of all the things he needed to get sorted out and the order in which these tasks needed to be done. Time was an issue here. He had no idea how long would it take before someone, most probably his far too impatient twin-sister, would try to find him.

* * *

Athrun didn't pay too mush of attention to Lacus' leaving. He had other things bothering him. He stared at the door that closed behind her and thought that he had reacted prematurely, just as Kira had done. And it had ended with an avalanche of mistakes. How long would it have taken him to sort everything out had it not been for his friends?

He looked around to Yzak and Dearka. Maybe for the first time he really noticed their attitude towards each other. They really held hands, they spent most of their time barking at each other, well mostly Yzak was barking and Dearka pretended not to hear him, but there was that aura around them that showed that they didn't need to show their feelings, because they _were_ there and each of them knew it. And in his heart he felt that he wanted that kind of silent mutual trust and understanding those two shared.

"Hey!" Yzak waved a hand in front of Athrun's face. "Why are you staring so intently at us, is there something wrong? Or are you trying to seduce my lover?"

"I love you, Yzak!" Athrun smiled, a true tender smile that turned a bit devious as it expanded.

Yzak's eyes almost popped out of their orbits and he choked startled. "Are you ok?"

"You are weird, you know." Came Dearka's drawl as he wound his hand around his lover's waist and drew him closer. "First you are all depressed about Kira then you get better and start hitting on Yzak. And in my very presence, no less." But he smiled too. "Glad you came back to your senses, buddy!"

Cagalli felt left out. There sometimes was that understanding between those who were in love that made her feel jealous and redundant. But still she was happy that Athrun was feeling better. Now all that was left was to make sure her brother was too.

"I have to go to him" With these words the blue-haired Coordinator jumped form the bed and headed for the door, but Dearka's words stopped him.

"Wait!" The blond turned to him in serious tone. "Stop acting all emotional and use your head or you'll just end up into another mess."

"What do you mean?" Athrun was really surprised that his friend would try to hold him from going to clear the things out with Kira. "Wouldn't it be best to have everything sorted out as soon as possible?"

"Well," came the reply "not exactly."

"What do you mean?" It was Yzak that questioned him and added an elbow in his boyfriend's ribs to draw his attention? "Why should we prolong matters? Let them settle it all and have a good night together."

Athrun's cheeks flushed at the implication and so did Cagalli's. But none the less he also demanded an explanation. "Why really? I will just go to Kira and explain that it was all a misunderstanding."

Dearka sighed and sat on the bed drawing his partner along. "Ok, I am not the person who knows Kira best, but he is not like you or Yzak, not like me and so not like his sister. If I have to compare him with somebody it would probably be Lacus." Athrun nodded in silent agreement with this analysis and sat on a sofa while Cagalli took one of the chairs as they listened to Dearka's thoughts. Obviously he was the voice of reason that day, so they could just as well pay attention. "Kira was stressed and the calm type of people he belongs to need time to sort out their own feelings. They are hard to piss off but once they reach the boiling point they are actually harder to calm down. And quite often, more unwilling to listen too. If you go to him now it may well end up in a catastrophe. Give him some time. Let him rethink the situation and calm down. Let him just come to terms with himself. I fear that if you go now, he might not believe you. Or worse, he might end up even more worked up against you and refuse to let you talk."

Cagalli opened her mouth to offer that she went to her brother but she was cut short. "No! It would be of no help if you tried either! Just let him, I don't know, sleep over it. Sometimes such things are less painful after the new dawn enlightens them."

Athrun considered Dearka's words. Maybe he was right, but maybe he was not. How he could tell which course of action would have better result. That was one of the moments that he just was not sure with path would lead him in the desired direction.

He looked around in search for the one person that could help him clear his doubts and saw no trace of her…

"Huh?" He looked around curiously "Where's Lacus?"

"She left some time ago to attend to something, didn't you pay attention?" asked Cagalli in a surprised tone. "You know you are very strange today, it might actually be wiser if you don't go to Kira now. You are sure to make things worse. You are just not yourself. Your moods change faster than those of a girl with PMS."

Now he remembered that she had left and he changed his actions.

"Whatever! I'll just call her and ask for her advice!" The others sighed and waited to hear what the songstress would say. She really had a calm and considerate mind so her advice was probably going to be sensible. And besides they felt that Athrun wouldn't let them stop him anyway.

* * *

_"It is not I that need your help, Lacus-san, it is Kira-kun who does…"_

Lacus stood still for a second until the words settled in her mind. So something was really wrong with Kira and her instinct connection with him had not been wrong. She collected herself. Starting to panic would not help in any way, plus she was not the type to, so she just drew a deep breath and looked calmly at the woman in front of her waiting to find out what exactly was going on with Kira.

Erica Simmons watched the way Lacus Clyne took the news and decided that her decision had been indeed correct. This girl would be able to go through the difficulties that might come and would be able to offer her silent support if needed. She decided that she would spend some more time with the girl and would see how much she could tell her.

"Can you give me a ride to the hospital, please?" Lacus looked at her a bit surprised and traces of worry flashed on her face. The doctor could almost see how the girl tried to understand if that meant that her friend was hospitalized, so she assured her "No, don't worry, Kira has not been admitted to the hospital." The pink-haired songstress relaxed prematurely as then followed "For now."

Lacus stared at her again and repeated her last words questioningly "For now?"

"Let's go to the hospital and I'll try to explain some things to you. It's not much what I can tell you. I myself don't know everything and in that regard you can probably help me, but there are things that I have to do rather urgently so we'll talk on the way."

Lacus nodded and got back in the car as Erica Simmons took the passenger seat and they took off.

"Lacus-san, you said you had been with Athrun-kun till now, right?" The girl acknowledged confirmation. "Did he mention of any meeting between Kira-kun and him that have probably taken place today?" The doctor had to carefully choose her words. She could not betray the boy's trust by breaking her promise to not disclose his secret, but on the other side, she needed to know as much as possible about his relationship since it had a great impact on his physical state.

Lacus didn't turn her eyes from the road but her body stiffened slightly as she heard the question. "Do you suppose this could be the reason Kira's not feeling well?" She asked in return taking some time to decide what she could tell. Whatever the relationship between her two friends was, it was none of any other's business but themselves.

Erica Simmons smiled inside. So the girl was good in not telling secrets that didn't belong to her. "It's fine. I know what had happened on the island. And Athrun-kun confided to me his feelings for Kira-kun. You can talk and not worry that you'll tell me something you are not supposed to. Plus I knew that Kira intended to visit him today. What I don't know though is what has happened then. He wouldn't speak. But the fact is it affects his physical condition and as his doctor I have to be informed in order to make correct decisions."

The girl nodded and answered. "I have not been there, but from what I know…"

They arrived at the hospital quickly before the tale was over and Lacus was surprised to see where she was led to. She had never been to that part of it and honestly didn't even know it existed. But she just continued talking and retelling what she knew and carefully watched what the woman beside her did.

When she finished explaining what she had learned from Athrun she remained silent and waited for Erica Simmons' explanation.

The woman worked calmly and when she was done, she turned and said.

"I know where Kira-kun is." Lacus nodded, she had assumed so from the woman's words so far. "However if I take you to him there would be severe conditions that you must abide to no matter what. Are you willing to?"

"What are the conditions?" Came a calm but curt question.

"I am sorry, but you'll have to trust me on this and agree to follow what I ask of you, you have my word it is for the best for Kira-kun. I can't tell you more before I have your word." The other woman looked at the young girl in front of her. She knew that age meant nothing. This same girl had been through a war and had seen people die. She was much more mature than her age would suggest. All of those kids were. And it was twice the reason to do whatever she could to spare them any more pain and suffering.

Lacus was torn. Yes, she knew the woman and she knew she could be trusted to some extend, but she had seen how friends betray friends during the war and as much as she was determined to see the best in people she was definitely not as naïve as some had her. She didn't like to jump in an abyss with her eyes shut. But Kira needed her, still…

"I can't promise what you want me to so lightly, but I can give you my word that after hearing your demands, if I disagree I will leave and tell nothing of them, but I can't promise I won't take actions accordingly if I think Kira is in danger."

The doctor sighed. They were in a stalemate. Both of them needed the other, and none would go back now, so she decided to compromise. "OK. I take you on your word!" Then she stared in the girls eyes for some time and broke the silence that had built once again." Kira-kun's condition is delicate. I don't know what exactly he thinks; I can't be sure what Athrun-kun thinks, no matter what you tell me, even if I guess you are right. The fact is that for now under no circumstances I can allow them to meet. Or more correctly I can not let Athrun-kun get near Kira-kun. What is more, I demand that around Kira-kun in no way you will bring up anything related to Athrun-kun or the relationship between the two or even any topic that can be distantly related to the latter or may cause association with him."

"Is this the rule you meant?" Lacus was surprised she never expected that. Why would the woman want to keep her friends away from each other? This didn't really fit into her mind. Did the woman mean that Athrun was in some way bad for Kira?

"One of the two" Lacus looked expectantly at her waiting to hear what more she had to abide to. "I want you to promise that if Kira-kun refuses to see you or at some point asked you to not come to him any more, you would do that and you would still keep everything a secret"

Lacus was shocked, why would Kira not want to see her? And why would he send her away in some future moment? But since this was something that depended on his own feelings and desires and she respected those that was easier to promise.

"I have no problem with that." However there was another thing that actually bugged her to no end. The matter of Athrun. "I am sorry, but I don't really understand why you demand that Kira and Athrun are kept apart. It is not as if hey would hurt each other…"

"I never said that. If I could be free to make such a choice I'd welcome a reconciliation between them, but right now Kira-kun's physical condition is such that there can be dire consequences should he meet with Athrun-kun." Erica Simmons looked at the girl. She could see all the confusion and the questions that were there but she could not say more. "Are you still willing to meet with Kira-kun and are you going to abide what I told you?" The girl was still hesitant. "Keep in mind that while Athrun-kun has the support of the others form your company, all Kira-kun has right now are me and one more person he has just met. And now he needs all the support he can get. Unconditionally!"

Lacus' head was starting to throb. This was too weird. Like some mystery. But the final line was that Kira need her and she couldn't leave him in such a moment, especially if he believed that he was betrayed and had some illness. "Fine! I'll follow you rules, but if Kira expresses any desire to meet Athrun or someone else I'll do as he wishes."

"I'll be more than happy if such a thing happens. Please though, don't be the one to bring up the topic. The results might be disastrous."

"OK, I won't, can we go to him now?" Now that the decision was made, Lacus couldn't wait to see her friend and find out what was going on with him, which led her to the fact that she still had no idea what exactly was he down with…

"We need fifteen more minutes until the machine spills out the results and we can go." Was the reply to her question but others were already seeking answers.

"Erica-sensei, what exactly is wrong with Kira?" Lacus looked the woman in the face ready to hear the news no matter how bad it might turn.

"You understand that I have to keep the patient-doctor confidentiality. I'll tell you what I am sure he won't mind you know, but the rest is up to him. This morning he barely avoided a car accident and has some bruises, but that is not a problem. It is his mental state right now that has me more worried. You'll see for yourself once you meet him in a few minutes."

Right then Lacus' phone beeped and she was forced for a second time that day to move aside and answer. It was Athrun and she felt a bit guilty at him for being some minutes away from seeing his beloved and not being allowed to tell him about it.

"Athrun!" She looked aside at the doctor who had turned her attention to the machine but was not looking in her direction after her exclamation.

_"Lacus I need you advice. Please, tell me how do you think, should I go and talk to Kira now, or would it be better to wait till tomorrow?"_ Came the green-eyed Coordinator's voice from the other side of the connection.

She didn't know what to say, so she covered the microphone on her mobile and just in case silently asked the other woman "Is Kira at his home now? Athrun is looking for him…" The other woman shook her head negatively.

_"Lacus, are you there?"_ came from the receiver.

"Hai, hai! I am here I was just thinking what would be better. You know, if you want, go and see if Kira's home and if he is, try to talk to him. But he is probably wandering somewhere, maybe along one of the beaches or in some park. You know how he seeks solitude I in such cases, so if he is out, wait till tomorrow."

_"OK, I'll do so. Thank you, Lacus."_

"Athrun, call me to tell me what happened, right?"

_"Un, I will. Bye now."_

"Bye." She canceled the connection and stared in the space. She felt as if she was lying to her friend even if she had not said one single phrase that had not been true. Yet she just felt guilty and she couldn't help it.

A beeping sound claimed her attention and she saw that the machine that would show Kira's results was just spilling a sheet with something printed on it. Erica Simmons took it, looked at it and pocketed it. "Let's go!"

* * *

"I'll go in first to prepare him for you. I told you already, that his condition is delicate and I don't want to stress him out any further." Lacus nodded. Erica Simmons knocked on the door behind which was Kira and entered. The girl that remained outside, hoping that she would soon find out what was going on.

Kira turned his head towards the door as his doctor appeared there. She smiled at him and looked at the machines that monitored his condition. Then she turned to him "How are you feeling, have there been more spasms, any pain, discomfort?"

Kira shook his head negatively and asked in turn. "How are my results, is everything alright? Is the…"

"It's all fine" Interrupted him the woman. She had to, while Lacus was not likely to pray there was the possibility that she might hear something through the door and she didn't want her patient to reveal his own secret unintentionally. "But there's someone I want you to meet, are you up to it?"

He eyed her suspiciously. "More doctors, I really don't need more people in on my case."

"No, actually this is someone you know" seeing how he started to feel uncomfortable and to come up with possibilities she hastily added. "It's Lacus-san and so far she knows nothing more than that you have almost been in a car accident. Plus she promised that no matter what, she would tell no one about you and your location." She sat on the bed facing the brunet.

Kira relaxed a bit. If there was a person he would feel fine with that was her, but he still couldn't believe that Erica Simmons had contacted her behind his back. If she did that now, what could assure him she would not do that again.

"Why?" He asked intensely. "Why did you go against my wishes and contacted her?"

The doctor started explaining, making sure that her words would mean nothing to Lacus should she overhear anything. But just in case she lowered her tone as she began "Kira-kun, ever since I found out about your condition, I have been preparing for any possible development, from the best to the worst." She looked at the machines because the boy's face was once again a mask and revealed nothing. The stats remained stable. Fine, so he was taking it calmly so far. "I have to make sure that from a medical point of view everything gives the best possible results, but have you considered that in your condition the final result would demand an operation and that means a team of medical personnel working on your case?" The heartbeat quickened a bit but otherwise no reaction followed her words, not even a blink or a nod.

Kira stared at her and his mind was in turmoil. He had never thought about that. It was just something that had not even come to his mind, but now that he was told he was afraid. He didn't want other people to know and from what he heard he might be left without a choice on the matter once again. He didn't react and waited for the further explanation.

"Just so that you know, the minimum of staff we are to manage with would consist of five persons – two surgeons – those would be Raniya-sensei as the primary one and me as her assistant, an anesthesiologist and his assisting nurse and a nurse to assist us(1). While the anesthesiologist and his nurse would be by your head and won't be seeing your naked body, which would be covered with sterile sheets leaving only space for the operating area, or the inside of the abdominal cavity as we open it, the nurse will have a nice view and there are things that are bound to betray how you differ from the normal cases." She paused to let the boy process the information he was washed over with.

Kira stared in the space and considered what he was told. Still this didn't explain Lacus' presence. How her visit connected to this talk was foreign to him, but obviously Erica-sensei saw the connection. He opened his mouth for the first time and asked "How does Lacus fit in this equation?"

She eyed him cautiously and checked his stats again. All fine on that front, maybe his mind was stronger than his previous reactions had indicated, but she still preferred not to take chances with that. "I had intended to consult you and of course her if she would be willing to take the time and devotion to take up a very intensive course on nursing and be the nurse. That way I thought of solving the nurse issue and have someone you trust in the OR with us."

Kira continued to look at her his face just as emotionless but his mind was working furiously. He was not ready to tell Lacus about his condition and in truth even though he trusted her and she had never betrayed him as far as he knew, the pain of the stab that Athrun had inflicted upon him in the back was too recent and made him wonder how much trust he could have in people. He hated the fact that now he feared trusting his best friends but hiс wound was still raw and hurt.

He looked at Erica Simmons who eyed him patiently and awaited his decision. He asked her "What if we don't tell her of my condition so far, but only tell her about the Ultimate Coordinator project? That I will need an operation in some time and since that project had involved some experiments that have made my body different and that would be the reason why we need a trusted person to assist during the operation."

Erica Simmons nodded. She understood to some extend his fears. This way he wouldn't be telling a lie and would still be able to hide his secret for a little bit longer. "OK, this is possible, but you do realize that in a few months it would be hard to hide the evidence that you are different in a very special way?"

Kira nodded solemnly but added. "If I wear looser clothes I will probably be able to hide it for at least 2 more months."

"So what is your decision, would you meet with Lacus-san?"

"I guess I need her anyway…" He wouldn't admit openly that what he actually needed was her endless ability to offer unconditional support no strings attached, no questions asked, just a tender word and an affectionate caress that could relieve the tension of the person she was with. "So, yeah, I'll meet her."

Erica Simmons smiled at him and stood up. She went to the door, opened it and invited Lacus.

* * *

Lacus stood in the corridor waiting and she heard mumbling from inside the room. She had to fight the urge to lean on the door and listen to the talk that took place between Erica Simmons and Kira. Just when she was getting close to losing the battle with herself and her principles the door opened and she was invited to come in.

She was expecting that Kira was not well after the morning accident and almost being run over by a car, but she was surprised that apart from the machines that controlled his condition he didn't seem to be any different than normal. He smiled at her and only then she noticed the slight strain of the muscles of his face and the slightly off spark in his eyes. She suppressed the urge to grab him and pet him until he cried out his pain. The girl guessed that if Kira wanted to look as if everything was fine, then he wouldn't appreciate such actions on her part.

"Kira, ohisashiburi (it's been a long time), I am so glad to finally see you." She smiled at him and careful not to mess with the wires that connected him to the apparatuses hugged him. "How have you been? We all so wanted to see you. Cagalli was mad at you as expected." She had only intended to joke, but the reaction she got was not at all what she had expected. Instead of laughing at his sister's lack of patience Kira's body in her embrace tensed and she heard that the beeping of the machines changed. A glance at Erica Simmons' direction showed that the woman was not happy. Lacus guessed that she would have to be excessively careful with her phrases. She hurried to make up for her slip. "I am so happy you are OK, I was so worried for you after Erica-sensei told me you had been in a car accident." She felt Kira relax and sighed.

Kira hated his body reaction at the subtle reference to Athrun and Cagalli. He didn't want to let such things affect him. He didn't want to let anything that might hurt the baby affect him and yet only brief time after he had decided that he wouldn't let anything get to him he had not only reacted, but had witnesses. He plastered another forced smile on his face and slowly pushed Lacus away. She sat on the bed by him and he took one of her hands to let her know that he didn't mind her slip.

But what mattered more than anything to him was to confirm that she would not tell anyone of his location. "Lacus," he stared in her eyes "you will keep everything secret, right?" She blinked not expecting such question and nodded.

She squeezed his hand in assurance that she meant her words. "I already promised Erica-sensei, I will not say a word to anyone against your wishes."

Kira let go of her hand and relaxed, then looked at the older woman that stood aside giving the youngsters some privacy. She saw the question in his gaze and nodded her agreement. The brunet turned to Lacus once again and started "Lacus, there's a reason why you are here. We…, I need your help. You see, I need to undergo an operation in a few months…"

Lacus sat beside him and listened to his vague introduction and was later stunned by the revelations about his conception and birth. Kira even told her of the events in the Mendel colony that concerned him. He kept the secrets of Mwu La Flaga and Raw Le Creuset, they didn't belong to him.

The pink-haired girl couldn't believe her ears. She had never believed that her friend had kept such a painful secret, but she could see why he had chosen to bear the burden on his own. When he finished with his story, the brunet asked her if she would spend the next months of her life studying nursing in order to assist in his operation. Lacus was stunned by the request and looked at Erica Simmons for confirmation. The woman had let Kira talk and had only intervened twice to clear some medical issues, now she nodded that that had been the main reason why they needed Lacus' help.

The girl was surprised, even if she was a Coordinator, she was not sure she would be able to manage to learn everything in a few months. "How long is it before Kira has to get the operation?" she asked the doctor.

"Six months in the best scenario, probably less. Just in case you'll have to be ready in five," answered the older woman. "But don't worry you won't be covering the full course. We'll concentrate only on what is important in this particular case and we will be accentuating on the practical knowledge. You won't get a degree of course."

Lacus thought it over. Kira had said that something about his anatomy was different and that was why he had to take precautions, but had refused to tell her what exactly was different in his anatomy. But she then considered that if he was afraid to tell even her, then it was probably serious and it would be even worse if he had to tell about it to a stranger. Plus, the fact was that her friend needed her, and she knew that this morning he had been hurt by what he thought he had seen. He was fragile, and Erica Simmons had said that his health was in danger. She couldn't let him down.

"I'll do my best." Was all she said.

Kira sighed and smiled and this had been the first real smile he had showed her since she had come. This assured Lacus that she had made the correct choice. The other woman nodded and said that they would start as soon as possible, maybe the very next day.

* * *

Athrun stared at the door of Kira's home gathering the courage to ring the doorbell. He was afraid that Kira might not be at home. He was even more afraid that he might be. He feared his beloved might not want to talk to him and dreaded that he might want to, but just to tell him that he would be happy to never see him again.

He considered that contemplating would get him nowhere, so he rang the bell and waited. And waited… No one answered. He wondered whether Kira was at home but refused to open to him or if he was away. He rang the bell again. And again…

Twenty minutes later he had to admit defeat. It was of no importance whether Kira was or was not at home, the fact was that the door wouldn't open for him and that was that. He humped his shoulders and turned to leave, when he saw a boy with a soccer ball staring at him. The boy cocked his head to one side and said:

"Don't you see that Kira-san's not at home?" The tone of the boy indicated that his opinion of Athrun's intelligence was not very high.

Athrun stared back at the boy wondering how the kid could tell that Kira was not at home. "How…"

The boy didn't wait for him to finish his question and pointed to something in Athrun's feet. The blue-haired Coordinator looked down but couldn't make out what did the boy mean. He looked up at the boy again and opened his mouth to ask what he meant.

The kid sighed. "The magazine!" Athrun didn't get the kid's hint. "If he had come home, he would have picked it up and taken it in. Really, you probably don't know him very well." The kid shook his head at the weird adult, and in his eyes the guy in front of him was one of those strange people, known as adults, and spun on his heels and left the man behind.

Those words hurt Athrun. He however didn't let it show. He just stared at the boy as it went and then turned to stare at the door and the magazine that lay at the doorstep.

The boy's words rang in his ears and he started to wonder if they could actually be true.

Then with one last glance he headed back towards the Palace vowing that he would be back on the following day and then he would make Kira understand that there had been nothing between Cagalli and him. That the one person Athrun loved was Kira and no one else.

* * *

**A/N**: (1) I am explaining this, the way it is in my country and the caesarian sections I have seen. This really is the smallest operating team I've ever seen.

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As always thanks to all those who reviewed:

**Solo D. Maxwell-Yuy, darkriku01, konekokitten, M, Sovereign of Silence3, onlooker, Jade Cade, gravitation gig, WritingOnAFullMoon, lilplayer, animelover6000, Sara, furin-a, DarkMetalAngel of Destruction**

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	20. A House of Cards

**Pairings: **Athrun x Kira, minor Dearka x Yzak

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gundam SEED / Destiny. But I borrow the cute guys and let them have each other, something the

**Warnings: R / M** This fanfic contains yaoi (male/male relationship(s)) and male pregnancy. If you don't like such things, you'd better avoid reading it for your own good. If you are not of legal age to read texts with adult content, please abide the rules of your country and don't read.

**Comments: **This is my first try in fanfic-writing. All reviews would be greatly appreciated, but please be aware that I am writing for myself, so I am not going to alter the plot according to your reviews. I am not native in English, so please bear it in mind while you read.

**Summary: **Kira loves Athrun and Athrun loves Kira, but each of them hides his feelings, believing they are unrequited. They are looking for a way to the other, but it seems that the more they try to get closer, the more they drift apart.

* * *

**Lonely Desire**

**Chapter TWENTY**

**A House of Cards**

Rey approached the desk and stood to attention. Then he placed an envelope before his superior. He was glad that he could relay good news after two weeks of confusion. The object was definitely a strange person. No one would have expected someone like him to act as he had. In the three weeks after he had changed residence he had acted completely illogically. And those strange disappearances in the last fortnight had made Shinn and him look like incompetent fools instead of the well-trained elites they deemed themselves to be. thankfully that they had managed to solve the mystery.

"We managed to trace him at last." He said. "The reason for our difficulties is here. He gestured towards the thick envelope.

Gilbert Dullindal opened it and retrieved the bunch of photos that were inside. He carefully examined each one of them, his face completely blank. When he finished he placed them back and allowed a small smile to creep on his face.

"Well done, Rey. I expect that you and Shinn will continue to do you job just as well."

Seeing the reaction of his commanding officer, Rey decided that probably Dullindal could explain the content of the photos. "Sir, may I ask a question?"

"You just did." The fact that he was joking led the blond to believe that maybe some light would be shed to the strange case they were working on for the last half year. "But, I would allow you to ask one more."

"Sir, do you happen to have a guess on the content of the pictures?"

The only change in the expression of his Commander that Rey noticed was a slight spark in his eyes, but that had been for less than a second.

"I have a very good idea." was the only answer the blond boy received. "You are dismissed.

The young officer couldn't defy the concealed order to leave and obliged.

Back in the room Gilbert Dullindal placed his elbows on his desk and rest his chin on his interlaced fingers. He would have to tell the boys about Kira Yamato's pregnancy. But not just yet.

* * *

Lacus sipped from her tea and carefully laid the cup on the plate in her other hand. She took extra care in placing those on the table, the whole time looking transfixed in the amber liquid as if she could find the answers to the questions that bugged her in those depths. 

Okina Raniya was patiently waiting for the girl to state the reason for her unexpected visit. While in the last two months the songstress had become a frequent visitor, she rarely came without calling first and never before 5 pm as her lessons took most of her day. Yet now the pink-haired Coordinator sat before her showing rare signs of worry and being unable to voice her concerns.

Then as if coming to some decision or just having gathered her courage Lacus spoke:

"Is Kira all right?" Her eyes held Raniya's gaze and seemed to probe for an answer. "He's changed so much." The latter was said in a whisper and sounded more like an afterthought than an actual part of her previous words.

Yet it got the older woman surprised. She had not known the boy before his rather sudden moving into her home. And for the few months that he had lived with her he had seemed the same, plus neither of the two women who had know him earlier had commented on changes, and now…

"Changed as…?" She inquired.

"Well if I have to be honest I had not initially noticed all those changes. They came slowly and since I didn't get to spend a lot of time with him I might have missed them for quite some time, but a few days back I happened to meet Athrun and a comment he made kind of triggered my attention." The girl paused as if to put her thoughts in order and continued. "He almost doesn't speak, Kira I mean. While he has always been calm and introvert, now he rarely utters a word at all. And his 'Athrun issue'… doesn't seem to get resolved. He never watches the news," again this sounded as if it was said more to herself than to the other woman, "probably because they show Cagalli a lot and _he_ is always by her side. He doesn't read newspapers. He has closed himself from the world…, and from us." She paused and her thoughts flew back in time.

Lacus remembered it still. She had not been thoroughly convinced why exactly she should not mention anything of Athrun or Cagalli around Kira, but since she was asked she had decided she would simply comply. And then on the very next day after she had found out something was wrong with the brunet _that_ had happened and while she didn't understand more than she had before, she fully realized just how serious and important it was to keep Kira away from some parts of reality and his past…

** flashback **

_They were returning from the bank since her friend had insisted this should not be postponed even for a minute more than what was absolutely necessary. As she parked the car in front of the door of his temporary home and while Kira undid his seat-belt she turned to him and sternly asked. "Now you are going straight to bed as you promised, right, Kira?"_

_She got no other answer except the car-door opening and then closing._

_A bit irritated, she demanded. "Right?!"_

_He just looked silently at her and then said. "Un. Right after I call my parents and tell them I'm fine."_

_She nodded in agreement._

_The conversation was short. Kira filtered the phone-line through his laptop to conceal the number and briefly informed his parents he was temporarily leaving ORB. He insisted he was fine and made them promise that they would tell no one, **absolutely no one**, that he had called or he would not contact them again till his return. Put that way they had little choice but to comply._

_Then he promptly fulfilled his promise to go to bed and stay there for at least 48 hours or suffer the consequences. He sat on the bed and Lacus approached the closet in his room to pass him some clothes he would feel comfortable to lie in. She had gone the night before, packed some clothes and done everything Kira had put on a ridiculously long and detailed list. She had also brought his laptop and Tori. Why on earth would anything to do with Athrun be forbidden if he had no trouble with the one thing in his life that epitomized his lover was beyond her. _

_Lacus dug in the closet, grabbed the first shirt in reach and threw it at Kira who was taking off his clothes. She proceeded to get some shorts when she heard him panting and turned to see what was going on…_

_And there he was. Clutching his midriff, pain all over his face and his eyes open wide and fixed on the t-shirt that lay inconspicuously on the bed. He was hyperventilating._

_The pink-haired Coordinator stood ground to the floor for what seemed like an eternity. Yet mere seconds later she shouted for help. Raniya came in running and seeing what was going on hastily injected Kira with something that relaxed him and he fell asleep. Lacus could do nothing but stare in shock and confusion. She couldn't for the life of her figure what had happened. The doctor however took the shirt and removed it then she carefully examined the brunet and dressed him in another shirt. After the boy was safely tugged in the bed the two women went to the living room._

_"What happened there? I didn't expect his condition to be that serious…" Lacus worriedly inquired._

_"I can only guess that to him this shirt has some connection to Athrun Zala, that was the name of his partner, right?"_

_"Yes," the songstress answered, "but why? And if his condition is that dire, would he make it for the five or six months till the operation?"_

_"Neither I, nor Erica Simmons have any idea why this occurs, but it does. So when we warned you that nothing which has anything to do with his sister or lover should be brought up, it was exactly for this reason. And yes, the operation should be performed in due time, now it won't have the required effect." Lacus' face betrayed her curiosity and desire to ask further questions, but got no chance. Raniya calmly interlaced her fingers and added. "Don't ask. This is something that we don't know enough about, and besides it is among the questions that should not be asked and would not get answers."_

** end of flashback **

Lacus still feared that Kira's health might suddenly worsen and the changes that Athrun's words had made her notice were causing her to worry.

A hand touched her forearm and brought her back into reality. "So, is it his silence that has you worried? Is this that what his friend commented about?"

Lacus shook her head negatively.

"No. Athrun was staring at a picture of Kira and commented on his funny dress habits. We all used to bug him about his love for buckets and belts. It kind of clashed with his calm and silent nature. Yet lately he would only wear baggy clothes. Almost as if he is trying to drown in them," she paused fro better wording, "even hide in them." She also wondered why she had not noticed it on her own, but kept that part of her thoughts for herself. She kept a lot of things for herself lately. And it made her feel bad. She hid things from Athrun and Cagalli. She kept things from her teachers in the hospital. She had to constantly mind her words in front of Kira. She had not been so alone in her thoughts even during the war. She had people she could trust and confide in back then. She felt lonely now, dispatched from the others. But that was hardly the moment to revel in those thoughts. "But that is not so important. It's not even about his silence. He has retreated to himself on other occasions. No, what has me worried is his physical appearance." She stopped to think how to explain the small things that just seemed out of place.

"What about his physical appearance makes you worry?" Okina Raniya had wondered how long would it take the girl to see what was already becoming rather obvious.

"I don't know. If I have to be honest, he looks fine. Somehow, even better that before, I can't explain how though. I noticed that his skin looks better and his hair is a bit shinier. Yet he has put on weight, especially around the waistline, otherwise he just looks healthier. I don't say he is getting fat, though," she added hastily, then realized she was starting to chatter and stopped.

Lacus waited for some comment or explanation but none came. So she decided she would ask straight away. "Is something wrong with him?" When no answer came she insisted. "What is going on with him? Is it his illness?"

The doctor looked her in the eye and calmly answered. "You know that anything to do with his condition is considered a forbidden topic. So don't expect to get any answer form me or from Erica. But I won't stop you if you decide to ask Kira-kun. Just remember not to mention his sister and Athrun Zala.

"OK, I'll ask him. Is he in his room?" the Coordinator stood and headed for the door but was brought back by the other woman's next words.

"No, he is not. He's gone for one of his walks. Again." Okina Raniya ruffled her hair in a rare exhibition of nerves. "I am really starting to hate those. He goes away for hours. He doesn't say where he goes."

Lacus nodded absently and added "Yes and it proved impossible to follow him too." And with her experience of hiding she knew most of the techniques, so she should have been able to do it. After a week of futile attempts she just gave up. It was more than obvious Kira didn't want to be followed. "This is something else that has changed about him. He has always loved to stroll to clear his head, but before he would tell people where he was going." She sat again. "When did he leave?"

"You just missed him. I guess he'll be back in an hour, an hour and a half at most." The doctor replied. "If he takes his usual time."

"I'll wait for him here, if you don't mind."

"No," The older woman smiled and waved her hand in invitation. "Feel at home. I'd love some company."

* * *

Sixty-eight days. Athrun stared at the calendar. Sixty-eight days since Kira had disappeared. A hundred and six days since he had last seen him. And one hundred and seventeen days since they had made love. Sometimes he wondered if he was masochistic to keep track and be so stuck up in the past. But then again he didn't really have anything in the present that was worth caring for. Well, he had his friends, and they should have been a reason enough but they were not. For him it had always been all about Kira. And ever since meeting him again in the war it had been even more so. 

So now he felt like something that had somehow kept his world sane and upright was taken away from him. And he had lost his balance.

All he did every single day was wake up, if he slept at all, to go to Kira's place and find it empty once again. Then to just bear the day, dragging along as he concentrated on his job to keep himself distracted. It didn't work that well, but the small problems that occurred sometimes made him forget his heartache for a minute. …If they proved tricky enough.

He had replayed that fateful recording so many times that he could see it in his mind's eye now. He had examined every expression on his beloved's face and had learned every gesture. And every time it made him feel both happy and angry.

Happy, because it was Kira, his love, there and angry, that things had developed as they had. And he tried to keep his hopes alive. To believe that the next day would be the one when the most important person in his life would come back to him. Only to have his hopes crushed. And slowly he was starting to give up. Consciously he knew that he should get his act together, but on some level he just couldn't muster the internal strength or will for that.

He knew his friends were not fooled by his façade but was grateful they didn't push him. The other people knew nothing.

He had done things he was not proud of, but desperate times called for desperate measures. He had hacked into ORB's personal files in search for all Ai's and there had been a few of them. He had managed to locate the one he needed checking the pictures of the women only to find that her file was practically empty. And the person who had done that had left the file just to verify the person existed but everything else was classified as secret of highest level. When he had broken through, the information was actually gone – no address, no parents' names and no birth place. It was meant to be obvious that it was missing on purpose.

The blue-haired Coordinator didn't need to wonder to know who had done it. Kira had written most of the state software and even Athrun had had some problems to hack his way into it. Nothing he could think of had brought results. No dental or medical record. No school record, no diploma registered to the girl, no credit cards or bank accounts, nothing. Kira had made sure he had it all covered. Nothing surprising here, his beloved had always been a genius with computers.

The green-eyed man had tried to follow Kira's credit cards and bank accounts to find those cleared. And what had worried him more, was that even the trust-fund which Cagalli had made for him, the same Kira had practically vowed he wouldn't touch, was empty as well. It all pointed to one thing – his beloved had gone away, probably permanently. And he had made sure that he wouldn't be located.

Athrun had asked the brunet's parents but they had also claimed that he hadn't called. And they seemed worried enough to trust them. He had left them after they had said they'd tell him should they find something out.

He had tried to confide in Lacus, but she had for some reason picked up nursing courses and spent very little time with him or the others. And even then it seemed like she didn't feel comfortable in their company.

Athrun felt empty. Worse then what he had felt after the war. At least then he had had Kira's presence to make him want to work things out. The only feeling that compared to his current state was when he had been in the hospital, by Kira's sickbed hoping that his beloved won't leave him alone on the world. Now he simply existed with the ever diminishing hope that his beloved would come back.

* * *

"It's been two months already, why is he still not calling or coming home?" Yzak asked the two other people in the room. He, Dearka and Cagalli were in the Natural's apartment at the Palace discussing the thing that had them most worried – Athrun's condition. 

While most people would not have noticed it, Athrun was not well at all. Oh, of course he did all his work and he never looked out of it or act strange, but they all saw the signs that indicated he was not well at all. He had dark circles around his eyes that indicated he was not sleeping well. He had lost some weight, not much but enough to make him look haunted. And he rarely smiled, unless he was watching pictures of Kira or was talking about their childhood.

He was drowning and they were helpless. Lacus was not there for him. She tried but her schedule seemed to be so full that she barely had time to meet anyone.

The once happy and united company was falling apart and those three felt impotent to change anything, the only one who had the power to bring the pieces back together was missing.

* * *

Kira opened the door and stood at the door step. The enormous studio type apartment was full of women. Pregnant women! Women with babies! It was more than just a bit unsettling. By instinct he took a step back and stepped on someone's foot. He jerked his own away and turned to see a young pregnant woman looking at him. She was not beautiful, but very cute with her childish face dusted with freckles. She cocked her head to the left, smiled at him and asked. 

"First-timer?" She pointed a finger towards the room to illustrate her words.

The brunet nodded embarrassed and smiled in apologize.

The woman extended a hand at him and presented herself. "Hi, I am Ryona. And you?"

Kira shook her hand but at the mean time his left one flew to his neck and he padded it while shaking his head. He saw the moment when understanding sparkled in her brown eyes.

"You can't speak?" She said it as something between a statement and a question.

He nodded, but lightly touched her hand to indicate that he didn't need to be pitied.

She dropped the topic.

Kira dug in his pocket and retrieved a notebook. _'Ai'_ he wrote and turned it for Ryona to read.

"Oh, hi, Ai. Nice to meet you." She flashed him with another smile. "How far along are you?"

_'19 weeks'_

"Me, I am 24 weeks, boy. Do you know the gender, they should be able to determine by now?"

The brunet shook his head 'no'.

"Did you want to know?"

Kira considered for a bit and wrote _'Never gave it a thought, healthy would be enough.'_

"And the father, what about him?"

The woman beside her stiffened and Ryona knew she had asked the wrong question.

_'No father!'_

The exclamation mark, the slightly sloppy handwriting and the cold demeanor told her the topic was closed. She decided to relax the atmosphere.

"So, are you ready to step in? Or should we continue to occupy the entrance so that nobody walks in or out?" she joked and was glad to notice the immediate relaxation of Ai.

Kira dared another look around the room behind and still felt insecure. A quick glance at a mirror that reflected a better part of him showed that he hardly had a reason to worry. Plus he was well used to dressing in female clothing by now. He swallowed and then made the fateful step towards the room.

Ryona walked in beside him.

"Hi, girls, look I bring you a new future mommy here." All heads turned in their direction and a few hands waved in greeting. "Here, Ai, sit down and I'll present you to the ladies."

The brunet sat tentatively at the end of the sofa, but found it was rather uncomfortable for his belly and settled a bit further into the moderately soft piece of furniture. He was grateful it was not one of those soft things that one could almost sink into, they had proved to be really bad for his condition. But with so many others in the same situation, he guessed they knew what would be best.

He scooped around the room at the women who were now looking at him. He hoped he had not let some minor detail slip from his attention. His hand flew towards the wig on his head to determine it was on its place and hoped the others would think it was a gesture of vanity. It felt OK. A glance at his breasts showed no problems there too. Plus no one had shouted _'Hey, look she is a HE!'_ so he relaxed a little.

"Ai," the brunet lifted his head at Ryona, "let me introduce to you a part of our community. Here's…"

Kira was surprised that the women here were presented in a rather strange fashion – by personal name, term of pregnancy (or if the woman had already given birth – the age of her baby, or both if she had a second/third on the way) an the gender of her offspring, future and/or present.

The women talked all the time and he shied away, but they found a thousand ways to include him into their conversations and he found himself enjoying being among them. He did blush a little when one of them opened her cleavage and breastfed her baby but managed to divert his attention.

By the time he looked at his clock it was long after his usual two hours outside. He could only guess that everyone would be worried sick for him, but it had been the best time he had had since _the incident_.

On the way home while he slowly walked the back streets – he took those since that way he didn't get to see the big TV screens that broadcasted the news and the government's announcements or the newspapers on the kiosks – Kira thought that he would be happy to continue going to those meetings. He felt good among others in his condition or as close to his condition as it was possible.

He had progressed a fair bit since his moving in with Okina Raniya. He was able to think of Athrun now without getting strange reactions, but he had kept it to himself. It was easier like that, since they might try to talk him into meeting him or Cagalli and he just didn't want to talk about them. He didn't think he would be able to hold his anger and grief if he was forced to converse about his beloved.

It hurt him a lot. He had thought that he would be able to accept that Athrun was actually in love with his sister and then move on, letting them be happy together, but he couldn't let go. He still loved him. And even thought he had not received any promises from the blue-haired boy, he couldn't help but feel betrayed. So in the end he took the path of the least resistance – the denial path. He preferred to pretend life was just about him and his baby. His hands lovingly caressed his belly as he approached his current home.

* * *

Rey had gone to report and bring the new bunch of photos to Gilbert Dullindal. Shinn had wanted to do it, but the boy had never been a patient one and that mixed with current curiousity was an explosive mix. So he had remained on duty. He didn't get why he had to follow every step of Yamato. He was actually one of habits and his daily routine was rather predictable. But he didn't dare disregard an order. 

Currently he was waiting to his partner to return and hopefully tell him something that would shed light on the strange dressing code of the object.

He was however disappointed as his questions once again remained unanswered.

"Rey, he is a nutcase. I mean, I know there are those men who enjoy dressing up as women, but to go as far as posing as a _pregnant_ woman is rather extreme." He paced as he talked. "And don't tell me you don't find all this absolutely freaky."

"Shinn, behave!" Rey was calm as always. Really, someone had to be. "When will you learn to do what you are commanded without trying to second-guess your orders? This will lead you into trouble some day."

"I am talking to you, not to the Commander. Can't I at least ask you?"

The blond sighed and then took a deep breath to calm himself or he might snap at the black-haired Coordinator.

"Look, Shinn, we are asked to appear before Gilbert Dullindal tomorrow at 10:00, you might get some answers then, or ask if you think that you have the right to. But let me be for now. I really don't care about the strange kinks that Kira Yamato has. I have to track him, not act as his shrink. He could walk naked for all I care, as long as he doesn't pull another disappearing trick on me I wouldn't mind it one bit."

Shinn rest his case. It was really unnerving how calm and composed his partner was managing to be.

On the following day however he learned the answer to his question, though he had never expected it to be anything like that.

* * *

When Kira opened the door he was greeted by a rather angry Lacus and the reprimanding gaze of Okina Raniya. He didn't know which one was worse. But he just ignored both of them and went to his room. Tori cheered him with enthusiastic chirping and landed on his shoulder. 

Lacus wouldn't have it that way and followed him.

"What is going on, Kira?" She said as she entered and closed the door behind herself with a determined click.

"Nothing really. I just walked around and lost track of time." He didn't really believe this would do, but he gave it a try just in case. His friend's facial expression told him she was not buying it.

"I know something's wrong with you. If you don't tell me on your own, I'll drag it out of you." Her calm and composed tone more than anything told him that he will be answering to a lot of questions before she let him be.

"I guess I am just rather restless since I am kind of confined here till the operation. By the way how are your studies going?" He knew that was a lame attempt to change the topic, but he didn't feel ready to tell the songstress what was really going on. Even if he realized that the evidence of his 'condition' was getting more and more obvious by the day.

"Won't work! I'm doing fine. And we are talking about you here."

Kira sighed in defeat, but still said nothing hoping that Lacus would drop the issue. Yet deep down he knew she wouldn't.

"Tell me, where were you. And where do you go every day?" She didn't fold her arms but she could as well have. Her words indicated that if she was the type to resort to such gestures she would be in that pose already.

"I usually go to a park, but I today I joined a group of people who have the same interests as me." He answered honestly but avoided her gaze by looking at his slightly trembling hands. He could feel that it was time for her to learn the whole truth. It was getting harder and harder to keep his belly from her and he could just as well get over with it. She had proved that he could trust her. She had done so a long time ago. If he had to be honest to himself the reason he didn't want to tell her till now had much more to do with his own insecurities. He didn't want her to know what kind of a genetic freak he was. He was afraid she might pity him and that was the last thing he needed.

When he lifted his head he saw that she was watching him with an expression of patience that said that she would listen to him, no matter what he said and how long he took.

And then something in him broke. A dam that had held so much for so long finally gave away and he suddenly felt an inexplicable urge to actually share with her. She could actually understand. He moved to sit on his bed and gestured for Lacus to join him.

Her eyes examined him and she sat turning her upper body so that she would face him but kept her silence waiting for him to speak. He loved her for that, for her endless ability to know just how to act with him to make him feel better. In such moments he felt sorry he never learned to love her as a woman. But she had come to his life too late, when his heart was long since taken.

Only now did Kira understand how Erica Simmons had felt when she had to tell him of his pregnancy. Well, at least he had a rather obvious evidence right under his shirt.

He decided to offer his friend one last chance to back away, before it was too late.

"Lacus," he reached and caught one of her hands and held it firmly, "the truth you want to know would make it harder for you. Right now you can still walk out of here never to come back and you can even drop the nursing courses and it will be fine, as long as you keep your promise to protect my secrets." He stared intensely in her eyes to increase the impact of his words. "But once you hear my confession you will be burdened with a secret that will weigh on your shoulders. One that you'll have to keep no matter what." He squeezed her hand in his and asked, "Are you sure you want it?"

Her eyes leveled with his and she nodded with determination. "Speak, Kira."

He took a deep breath and opened his mouth. "I am pre…" He couldn't say it. It just stuck in his throat and wouldn't exit it. "I am…" His hands started to tremble and he felt Lacus' supportive squeeze. She didn't try to pry the words out of him. She just waited for him to say it.

Kira closed his eyes and took another deep breath. Then with his eyes still closed made it in one phrase. "I am pregnant!"

Only then did he dare open his eyes.

Lacus stared at him with an expression Kira didn't remember ever seeing on her face before. She didn't laugh or look as someone who doubted his sanity. She was just absolutely stricken.

She blinked a few times and finally a smile graced her lips. "OK, I admit it was a nice one, definitely managed to take my attention for a second. But it is time you told me the truth, Kira. No more tricks to weasel out of telling me what's wrong with you."

Her voice reminded him of how she had sounded when the nuclear missiles had flown towards the PLANTs and she had told him and Athrun that they were to not let even one strike their target.

He sighed. He had not really expected it to be easy. After all, how could he expect her to believe him if he had had troubles himself.

He took one of her hands and spoke again. "Lacus," his eyes looked intently at hers as he moved her hand towards his belly. "I am pregnant." He let her hand land on the swell in his midsection and heard her gasp as well as felt her involuntary jerk back.

She quickly composed herself.

"I don't understand." She spoke the words slowly as if unsure of her abilities to voice her thoughts. She reached and lifted his shirt to stare at the flesh below. She fixed the lump where his child resided and her fingers carefully reached for it. Short of touching she looked at him and asked "May I?" As she got an approving nod she touched the stretched skin and moved her hand over it.

Her mind tried to wrap itself around the idea. It just didn't sum up. It didn't happen.

Then, Kira had managed to do so many things that normally were considered impossible. And still, this was different.

However it did make some of the things that she had thought completely unimportant about her nursing courses suddenly make sense. All the obstetrics she had been taught now seemed so logical, while she had considered them pointless, considering that she was only going to assist in Kira's operation.

All the secrecy about the procedure itself… It all added up. Yet the most important question was still how. How was it possible for a man to be with a child. And who…

She gasped again. Of course. She didn't need to ask who the father was – Athrun. Most probably back then on the island. And in a swirl everything that had happened since then started to fall into places as pieces from a puzzle. This also explained the strong reaction Kira had to the meeting between his sister and his beloved as well as his unusual reactions to anything connected to them.

She braced herself. Then she collected her wits and smiled at Kira. It took her a while to realize that her hand was still pressed at his belly. She caressed the lump one last time before she took it away. She couldn't resist to ask "Does it kick already?"

He smiled and his own hands went to lie on his belly. "Not yet, but soon."

After that they just talked. When the two doctors joined them she got an explanation of the mechanics of Kira's pregnancy. And before she left she was told that any of his 'crises' could lead to an abortion, and that was the reason they had to keep a watch on their words in front of the brunet.

Lacus was having another internal battle. She had felt bad for having to keep Kira's residence from Athrun, but now she felt even worse. She had to keep her ex-fiancé away from his child. Not that she really had a choice. She had promised. She would have one more reason to avoid the green-eyed man now. It was getting awfully difficult to watch him in the eye or see him get more and more depressed. Sometimes she feared that he would snap and knew that if that time came she would be forced to choose between staying loyal to her promise to Kira and saving Athrun's life. And she didn't want to consider whom she would decide to betray and at what price.

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**Author's Note:** I am sorry, I took so long, but I want to reassure you I am not dropping this story. I am however afraid to promise that the next chapter will come son, since this only seems to make things worse. 

Thanks to everyone who read and especially to those who took the time to drop a review. I am sorry I didn't reply to any reviews.

Thanks to:

**DarkMetalAngel of Destruction, Lazy-Hime, konekokitten, lilplayer, darkriku01, Jade Cade, animelover6000, gravitation gig, mystiewolf, Hatsuharu Keikoku, question mark, Black Magician Girl3, emeraldeyes1029, shattered lies, krad, RannaXD, momoko, Blue weary black angel, Reinamariposa, Ashly, Sovereign of Silence3, MangaMonger31261, heeroxduosdaughter**

Just as a side note, Kira and Athrun will finally interact in the next chapter.

Oh, and by the way, if anyone is interested, I have updated my profile page with the working link to the NC-17 version of the story, where chapters THREE and EIGHT include the lemons

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